What is grief? Google it and get the definition that grief is the reaction to a major loss, and that it is usually a painful and an unhappy emotion. That doesn’t seem to do justice to the complexities of it. It is described as an emotion, which to me almost makes it seem like something transient. But as anyone who has grieved knows, it is a process that takes a substantial amount of time and energy and almost always goes on longer than we think it should. We somehow always think that the easy things should last and the hard ones pass quickly.
How we react to grief is deeply personal. The way each of us copes may not always be the most functional way. Sometimes we withdraw, or make bad decisions, or become immobilized. People have a lot of different ways of coping with grief, some good for them and some not. The most important part seemed to be acknowledging the experience and not judging it. Many people need to do something so that they feel their loss has some reason. We recently passed the 10th anniversary of September 11th. As I watched the survivors’ families talk about their grief and their lives now, I have been amazed at their resilience. Many of the families that have lost loved ones on September 11th have worked very hard to do something positive to honor their family member’s memory. I have seen books, camps, groups, and foundations all formed in the memory of a person lost. Those families that turned their loss into something positive were able to move forward in their lives without their grief, crippling them forever. It is a testament to them and their family members.
But this level of activity can be challenging in a society that has trouble acknowledging grief. Our family and friends can be supportive for a period of time, but then most people do not know what to do anymore. They somehow feel people should just get over their grief, and starting a camp or writing a book can be seen as not letting go. It is understandable because it can be difficult to be around someone that is unhappy or depressed. It makes us feel helpless which is not something most of us are comfortable feeling. I know one of the hardest things I do as a therapist is to sit with someone as they are struggling with their pain. To just be with someone who is sad and not try to do anything to make it better is very challenging. That is what people need, someone to let them have their feelings without judgment. When we try to make someone feel better or solve their problems it invalidates their experience. This is why people that suffer from grief do best with either individual therapy or a support group. You either need to have been trained or to have been through it to be able to sit quietly with someone suffering.