Sitting on the toilet, it was no further from my face than a paperback would be, if I were so inclined. It held all the answers for the day, the week, for the rest of my life. That’s how it seemed at the time. Now I know better. It was seven fourty-five in the morning, the wife had left for the day. All that needed to be done was to get two precious little girls to and from their elementary school, and get to the restaurant by 4:00. But there it was in front of me. “What’s it going to be”? I could make a clean start, if I really wanted. More importantly though, the shakes were beginning to show themselves. It had been four hours afterall. So I tipped that plastic pint bottle back and almost instantly felt new life course through my veins. Yet another chance had gone by to put an end to the hideous drinking cycle my life had become.
The expression the mirror sends back every morning in that little bathroom says it all. Exhausted, frightened, ashamed and oddly enough, relieved. Relieved that there wouldn’t be any delirium tremens for the day, assuming I procured more to add to my stash. Relieved knowing that the only real chance of embarrassment would be from slurred speech in the middle of the day. And besides, a nap or two always seems to help that anyway.
Things seem to move along at the restaurant with a nice flow. After all, I’m doing two things that I’m good at: drinking and waiting tables. We make our own drinks for the paying customers, and ourselves. So it’s a home away from home really. It helps pay some bills, and it helps me stay sedated. Keeping me in the comfort zone, or at least a buffer zone from the dreaded withdrawal symptoms that constantly follow me around. “One of these days I’ll kick it” I keep telling myself. “When I’m ready”. But until then, I’d better leave in time to hit the store by midnight, as one of my hidden treasures is running dangerously low. Besides, the bottle my wife and I drink from, and the only one she knows of, is getting a little low as well. What I would give to not start tomorrow out sitting on the toilet. What will I give?