After watching tonight’s installment of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” I know this much for sure: Cynthia Bailey really should look into cutting the puppet strings that NeNe Leakes has hooked into her back and Sheree Whitfield can be counted on for a few witty observations in her interviews and for throwing you under the bus when she feels like it. Oh and Marlo Hampton is crazy. But we already knew that.
Yes, we’re still in South Africa, but mercifully, this lackluster Trail of a Thousand Screaming Matches is almost at its end. The trip to the orphanage has left the Housewives feeling humbled and inspired and Kandi Burruss in particular feels like she needs to do more overall. As the Housewives ruminate on the life-changing visit (over a gourmet dinner, no less) Marlo’s dissatisfied with her undercooked shrimp. Marlo flicks her weave over her shoulder and snaps her acrylics for the garcon. The ladies can discuss the extreme poverty they encountered later. Uncooked shrimp will wait for no spiritual revelations.
Phaedra Parks, who’s deemed herself as the Cultural Ambassador for this trip, takes the ladies for a tour of a local museum. Included in the tour package is a session with an herbalist. He’s going to read the human bones for insight into the Housewives wretched personalities. After chastising the women for trying to touch his herbs (only men can touch his “medicine” which it turns out is used bathwater that you’re supposed to drink but smells like urine. Mmmkay.) he’s ready to proceed.
Phaedra the Phuneral Director isn’t trying to touch human bones unless she’s lowering them into the ground and wishes she had her Holy Oil and prayer cloth. Gotcha! The “human bones” are just seashells. The herbalist starts speaking in tongues as he prepares his diagnoses. Sheree is too old to get married again – she should just stay in her house and skate around the roller rink at Chateau Sheree by herself. NeNe’s husband is a good man, but she’s not happy, so she should leave. Cynthia is happily married (I think that was news to her.) Marlo hasn’t found a man to love her yet and A.J. Jewell’s spirit is still with Kandi. Per her usual, Marlo tries to stir up some mess, but the herbalist will get her goat later.
Marlo and NeNe invite the ladies over for a Tupperware party aka an evening filled with oohing and ahhing over all the acquisitions for Marlo’s Musuem de Chanel, which are out on display. Purses, scarves, jewelry and shoes as far as the eye could see. Marlo brought 29 pairs of shoes to Africa. 29. As Sheree pointed out, “unless you’re giving some of this s$&t away, what is the purpose?” True dat. After curling each other’s weaves, fluffing out each other’s wigs and painting each other’s toe nails, the Housewives get down to the real deal, honoring a slumber party tradition as old as time: dirty talk. The laughter, wine and sex tips flow and for once, prude NeNe doesn’t run screaming from the room with her hands jammed over her ears. All was going well in the Land of the Talls until Kandi calls Marlo out for being phony because of her incessant label-dropping. Marlo rears up on her hind legs to roar about how she bleeds fashion and everyone looks at each other, panic-stricken. Is she about to go raging off the cliff again over something stupid? Cynthia steps in and soothes Marlo’s savage breast and disaster is averted.
The ladies are up bright and early the next day for safari (another one?) Marlo’s been bent over various toilets and trashcans all night, so germaphobe NeNe volunteers to stay behind and play nursemaid. An all-knowing Phaedra knows what’s up; that “medicine man put the hoo-joo” on her because “the shaman don’t like to be mocked.” With two of the Talls out of commission, Cynthia is left to tower above the Smalls by herself. NeNe’s nervous – will they try and woo Cynthia to their team? The suspense mounts. Cynthia and the Smalls bond and Kandi believes it’s because the supermodel’s “real” side comes out when NeNe’s out of the picture. In fact, Kandi spends so much time fawning all over Cynthia, the ladies miss much of the attractions their perturbed tour guide is trying to point out. Kandi’s particularly impressed with Cynthia’s modesty when it comes to talking about her money and her success. Cynthia lets everyone in on a little secret; she’s cool with Marlo, but she doesn’t want to spend all day talking about Christian Louboutins. Whew! What a load off!
For some reason, Kim Zolciak’s name is invoked and Cynthia says she just can’t see Kim at an orphanage holding “African babies.” That gets a good laugh from everyone. Well, Kandi just can’t see Kim doing Africa, period. Let’s be honest – can YOU see Kim hanging out at museums with herbalists and tromping around in the bush? I have no doubt she’d have been the first one buying supplies and playing with the kids at the orphanage. However, you know she’d have been worse than Marlo with most of the activities the Housewives did on this trip.
NeNe joins the Housewives for lunch and inexplicably, Kandi tells NeNe that everyone was giving their opinion of Marlo. Why, Kandi, why?? NeNe goes on a diatribe about how awesome Marlo is and if she wants to wear Chanel this and Prada that and shout it from the rooftops, good for her. And why should anyone have a problem with that? All of a sudden, Cynthia, who claims to be more than the pretty, vacant face staring out from a magazine cover, pipes up that she doesn’t “have a problem with it.” Phaedra, Sheree and Kandi are flabbergasted by that trick Cynthia and her two-faces.
Later on, the Smalls figure Kim must miss them (um, no) and decide to give her a call. Kim wants all the scoop and is shocked (rightfully so) that NeNe brought Marlo along. Thank goodness for Bravo’s flashback machine, which reminds us of the wrath NeNe rained down on Kim’s head when she brought Sweetie and Don Juan to Miami for the weekend. Out of nowhere, Sheree puts Kandi on blast and says she didn’t think Kim would dare hold black babies at an orphanage. Everybody’s head snaps and Kandi has to defend herself. Sheree, who’s talked all kinds of trash about Kim (um, hello, wig shift, anyone?) and all the Housewives, is now holding herself up as the arbiter of truth, justice and the Hotlanta way.
It’s our last night (I think. I hope!) in South Africa and Kandi’s not dragging this 5,000 pound elephant back to Atlanta with her. She wants Cynthia to admit she’s the one who said Kim wouldn’t hold any “African babies.” Cynthia concurs and NeNe’s amused to hear they “reported back…to [the] boss,” which rankles Kandi. Kandi’s the boss of Kandi, but NeNe wants to take this time to finger-wag the Smalls for always claiming she’s Cynthia’s puppet master. “You guys make your own decisions?” NeNe turns to Marlo and Cynthia, who both nod on cue with equal parts fear and meekness (actually, I think Marlo was still feeling the effects of her Pepto Bismol). Marlo weakly chimes in that she’s the boss because she wears Louis Vuitton to McDonald’s, while Cynthia continues to sit mute. Too late, Kandi realizes she’s bailing out this ship on her own, as Phaedra sits by like the High Priestess, while Sheree shoots daggers. Kandi’s left to try and convince Marlo stop bragging all the time, who can’t understand why Kandi’s not pumping up her hit songs more. Wow. Can we go back to Atlanta already and put all these babies in a corner?
Next time, going to America, Peter plans a party and Sheree’s not through with Kandi just yet.