We all want what’s best for our kids, right? Sadly, no, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes there is a parent that doesn’t think about the needs of the child. Mind you, it’s not always the absent parent who thinks like this. But when it is, the custodial parent needs to be able to step up before the self-esteem of the child involved comes crashing down.
Your first emotion is probably going to be anger. How dare someone hurt your child? In line with this comes that protective instinct that makes you want to lash out at the other parent and coddle the child. The good news is that these are sure signs that you actually care about your child. The bad news is that someone actually has to be an adult here and that person is probably going to have to be you. That means you need to think rationally and leave your ex out of the equation for the moment.
Coddling isn’t going to help anyone and neither is being aggressive to the ex, even indirectly. This isn’t about you; it’s about your child. Sure, your child might need a hug and expressions of how much you care about him or her, but be sure not to be lax in the guidelines of the house in order to try and make up for the absent parent. More than ever, your child needs to know they can rely on you to be stable.
It’s one of the most difficult things you’ll ever have to do, but stop stewing about whatever the absent parent did or did not do. It just adds fuel to your fire and doesn’t do anything productive for your child. Your son or daughter needs to be able to talk to you about how they feel, rather than worry about how you feel.
Expect some acting out. Children who have hurt feelings or repressed anger tend to act out a little bit more. They might even take their anger out on you. To be fair, who else do they have to take it out on? When they do this, don’t remind them that you aren’t the one that hurt them. Remember that it’s hard for a child to be angry with a parent. It’s even harder when the parent is unstable and sends mixed messages because the child never really knows what to do to please that parent. You can make it easier on your own child by being the parent you have always been. Validate their feelings, but don’t talk negative about the absent parent or seek to look better than them. Their failure as a parent is not your opportunity to shine. You already do just by being there every day.
More from this contributor…
How to Use Child Support
How to Help a Child Through the Death of a Parent
5 Ways My Life Changed After I Became a Parent
References: Personal experience