Divorce is Very Common and Happens to all Kinds of People
Divorce is not a happy event, but one that happens in many marriages these days. It doesn’t discriminate against only the poor or only the rich. It affects all kinds of people and it can be very stressful for all parties involved in the marriage. It is a very complicated event at times. Couples must decide how to divide the assets, how the living arrangements will change, and how the shared money will be split. Most aspects of divorce involve the husband and wife. Most of the couples beginning the divorce process also have children. Children react differently to divorce. Parents need to be sure to inform the children and follow certain protocol when doing so.
It’s Best if Both Parents Can Sit Down Together to Talk to the Children About the Divorce
Divorce is not a happy event and sometimes the result of years of fighting among Mom and Dad. Once the decision to divorce is finalized, the parents should both sit down with the children to tell them. It’s best if both parents can do this together, so the child can see that both parents agree. It’s important to not blame one parent during this conversation. Tell the child that both parents want the best for the child and right now the best thing is that if “mommy and daddy don’t live together anymore”. Divorce is not a bad word, so don’t be afraid to say that “mommy and daddy are getting a divorce”.
What to Say to Your Child
Depending on the age of the child, the conversation may be a little different. Children like stability and structure and when a divorce takes place that structure is disrupted. Tell the child what things will remain the same. Some important things to discuss with the child are: School, toys, pets, their bedroom, weekends, and holidays. Children love their parents, but at such a young age, they are less concerned that mommy and daddy will be happier. They want to know how their life will change and how it will stay the same.
Tell the child that they will spend some time with a happier mommy and some time with a happier daddy. Even though they might not be sleeping in the same house every night, they will always be a family. If possible, tell the child that sometimes both parents will still spend some weekend time together every now and then.
Be Ready to Answer any Questions Your Child May Have
Your child may or may not be ready to ask questions right away, but someday your child will begin asking questions. Be prepared to answer the questions in an honest way. Your child may want to know
-Where will I live?
-Where will you live?
-Will I still go to the same school?
-Where will my pets live?
-When will I see mom/dad?
-How will Santa know where I am on Christmas?
Children may Feel it’s Their Fault
Children may feel it’s their fault the parents are getting divorced and sometimes may not express this feeling. They may think, “If only I cleaned up my toys, this wouldn’t have happened”. They may have heard the fighting and didn’t understand what you were fighting over.
It’s very important to make sure they know it wasn’t their fault. Actually, it’s best if no one is to blame for the marriage. Even if one parent is at fault, some things don’t need to be shared with the child.
Do not say Negative Things about the Other Parent
Children love their parents unconditionally and it’s wrong for parents to say bad things about the other parent in front of the children. Even if you are frustrated that the other parent didn’t do something, don’t talk about it in front of the child. It’s natural to talk to a friend about your divorce and be sure to do this in private as well. Even if your child is only hearing one side of a phone conversation, it can be damaging to the child. Although the marriage may be over, there are still many happy memories to remember. It’s OK to talk about that family vacation you went on as a family three years ago. Telling happy stories reminds your child that you are a family and had good memories.
Feeling Sad is OK for Both Child and Parent
Children may feel sad or miss the other parent from time to time. Make sure the child understands it’s OK to feel sad. You can even share that you feel sad sometimes too. This validates that their feelings are real and acceptable. Remind them that the parent is only a phone call away. The child can call the other parent. Technology is amazing today and video phone calls are a great way to stay connected. It’s also a great idea to allow the child to make a card or picture to mail to the other parent.
Divorce Can Have a Happy Ending
If parents are honest and caring towards the child during the divorce process, it can be a positive event for the child. The child can see that the parents can make tough decisions and this is an important skill for children to develop. Dedicated parents that share responsibility in raising a child can still do a good job through a divorce. It’s much easier to leave the child out of the divorce process, but can be damaging. If parents are making the decision of divorce, it’s important to be responsible enough to properly inform the children involved.