The difficulties involved in merging with another family after marriage are so well-known that in-law jokes are a cliche. While most married couples are eager to adopt one another as members of their family, it’s easy to forget that when you marry someone, you’re also marrying their family. Dividing holiday time, accepting family traditions and beliefs, and managing complex relationships with your in-laws can all prove challenging, especially in the first few months and years after getting married. However, the quality of your relationship with your new family, and the quality of your spouse’s relationship with your family, is largely dependent on the choices you and your spouse make, so merging the two families should be an explicit goal. Here are five steps you can take to make the process easier.
Your Family Is My Family
Too often, couples think of their families as discrete units and have difficulty accepting their spouse’s family as their own. When you think of your spouse’s family as a rival unit just itching to steal your family’s Thanksgiving or Christmas time together, you set yourself up for failure. Instead, both you and your spouse should accept one another’s family as your own and treat them as such. This can help prevent turf battles over where to spend the holidays and makes it easier to accept the unique idiosyncracies of your in-laws.
In-Laws as Friends
It’s much easier to merge your families together if your spouse’s parents are friends with your parents. Encourage them to talk on the phone, to send e-mails and to go on outings together. If the two sets of parents like each other, you may be able to escape holiday tug of war games and simply spend time with the entire extended family.
Drawing Boundaries
When you get married, your spouse should be your first priority, no matter what. This might mean drawing boundaries with your family. You and your spouse need your own separate space and your time together must be respected. If your spouse has difficulty getting along with your family, it’s your job to fix the problem, and your loyalty should always be to your spouse. Similarly, your spouse should deal with his family about any problems you have. Establishing a zone of privacy around you and your spouse can seem counterintuitive when you’re trying to merge the families. But, by creating your own separate lives, you make room in your mind as well as in your home for your parents and in-laws.
Kindness at all Costs
So what if your in-laws really, truly are crazy? Repeat this mantra to yourself: It takes two people to fight. Your in-laws may be able to berate you, to get in subtle digs, and to make life more difficult. But you will not be able to fight with your in-laws unless you choose to. Show them kindness no matter what they do, and encourage your spouse to intervene if things get too heated. Similarly, if you notice that your parents are unkind to your spouse, it’s your obligation to intervene.
Changing the Focal Point
Most people go home for the holidays until they get married. After marriage, however, consider making your house the prime location for holiday dinners. This can help you avoid the stressful back and forth between parents, and encourages warm relationships between your in-laws and your parents. By creating your own holiday traditions, you make it easier to establish your own autonomy while still fostering warm relationships with your extended family.