Our parents are our first models for how to conduct a relationship, and the things they teach us stick with us for the rest of our lives. Fortunately, many of us had parents who were basically good role models, even if they made some mistakes. Even parents who had successful marriages, however, pass on a few bad habits to their kids, and no one wants their relationship to be exactly like their parents’. And if your parents’ marriage was abusive or ended in divorce, you are particularly susceptible to repeating the negative patterns of your childhood. You’re not hard-wired to end up like your parents, though, and with hard work you can begin creating your own life and relationship.
Name the Mistakes
It’s easy to say you don’t want to end up like your parents, but to truly prevent this from happening you have to know what it means! Get specific in thinking about the habits you don’t want to repeat. For some people, it can be difficult to criticize their parents, especially if they have a close relationship. But knowing what you want to improve upon is the first step in actually improving.
Examine Similarities
Take some time to examine the potentially destructive traits you share in common with your parents. Are you overly anxious like your mother? Excessively critical like your father? It is these traits that are most likely to cause problems in your relationships. Being aware of them and actively working to correct them is the best way to avoid ending up like your parents.
Listen to Your Partner
Many of us are instinctively defensive when our partner criticizes our behavior. But you can learn a lot about yourself by taking time to consider your partner’s complaints. If your partner frequently airs the same grievance, this is a problem that can ultimately destroy your relationship and that may be learned from your parents.
Talk to Your Parents
Your parents are invaluable resources. Talk to them about the things they wish they had done differently in their own relationships. The particular circumstances under which a problem occurred are especially important. You may find, for example, the financial problems or excessive work sparked a snowball effect that led to unhappiness. Avoid the life circumstances that led to your parents’ problems and you’ll be less likely to repeat their mistakes.
Think About Your Own Role
Sometimes people don’t imitate their parents, but instead repeat the role they played with their parents. For example, if you lived in fear of your parents’ arguments, you might choose an argumentative person and live in fear of his outbursts. Avoid repeating the patterns of your own childhood. When you see them spring up, as they inevitably will, confront them head-on rather than denying the problem. Choose people that encourage you to grow rather than to repeat the patterns of your parents or the patterns you learned in childhood.
Sources:
Avoiding Mistakes of Parents
Parental Legacies