On Friday, October 14th, Anderson Cooper ran a quiz on Yahoo Shine for parents to take to see if they had a favorite child. I happened to be at my mother’s house and we talked about kids and parents playing favorites. I never felt like my parents had played favorites, however it brought to mind several people I knew who had felt somehow that they had never received their parent’s acceptance or unconditional love.Some of these kids were victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome or what is medically known as P.A.S.
Parental Alienation Syndrome
In an article entitled, ‘Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind, the author states that children of divorced and warring, unfriendly parents may face:
Badmouthing; limiting the other parent and their extended family’s contact with the children; withdrawing love or getting angry at the child; telling the child that their other parent did not love them, forcing the child to chose between parents; insisting that the other parent was dangerous; discussing adult relationships with the child; avoiding mention and removing photos of the other parent; forcing child to reject the other parent; limiting contact with the extended family; belittling the other parent; creating conflict; cultivating dependency; and throwing out letters and gifts.
The study goes on to stay that many children in this situation do not recognize that they are victims until they hit a major milestone in life, such as entering into therapy for depression or becoming a parent themselves.
Divorce counseling and limiting dysfunction
Being angry about a relationship is normal but what is not healthy is taking that anger out on children. One situation comes to mind that I will never forget. A mother and father decided to pursue divorce and began discussing splitting their assets. They had several homes, owned antiques, had time share property and had made some investments. As the discussions got heated, the mother refused to let her daughter see her father. I happened to be on vacation with the mother at one of their timeshares during Thanksgiving holidays. She had been dating one of my friends and had invited my family along for the weekend.
My daughter, just four, and also a product of a split home, spent some time with this young girl and later reported back to me that she couldn’t get her hairbrush to go through the daughters hair. Upon further investigation, I realized the girl hadn’t combed her hair in about six months, since the time her parents had begun fighting over their assets. She had a single layer of her hair that covered the top so that you couldn’t initially see the damage but underneath, her head was full of snarls. When I questioned her on why she hadn’t combed her hair in months, she told me that her parents didn’t care about her. All they cared about was their money.
Unfortunately, the message this child was getting, was not the intended one. Her mother was afraid without her father’s income that she would not be able to support her children. However the fear came out as anger and resulted in neglect.
Parents must keep their heads
If you see yourself in an angry confrontation with your spouse, remember that your children are watching. Step away and think rather than react. Always remember that we become products of our environment.