Carrie crouched in a corner in her bedroom and sat immobile. She didn’t want her mother to come into her room. Her room was her sanctuary; a quiet solitary place. It was a place where she felt relaxed and could forget all her problems by daydreaming. They were always nice, the daydreams of course. It seemed that all she did was daydream and fantasize about the “what if’s?” She knew her mother would come, though. It did not matter how many daydreams she brought forth, reality always came back with a brutal slap to the face. Same routine nothing changed. Nothing would ever change.
As if on cue, Carrie heard her mother’s rough footsteps ambling towards her doorway. When the door creaked open slowly, Carrie froze and quickly became impassive. Her mother stood in the doorway waiting for Carrie to look at her. Carrie remained hunched in the corner without looking at her mother, not to even acknowledge that her mother had just stepped in her doorway.
Her mother slowly walked into the room, her eyes on Carrie’s small figure in the corner. Walking straight towards Carrie happened to be no feat, since there was nothing in the room, besides four white walls; she had no maneuvering to do. When she reached Carrie, she quietly patted her on her head and squatted down to look at Carrie’s detached expression.
“Hey, Carrie,” Her mother said in a raspy voice. Her nose was red from sniffing and her breath reeked of beer. The revolting smell hit Carrie square in the face, but Carrie didn’t strain away from the repugnant smell. What good would it serve except to get hit quicker? This galled the mother a moment. She stood, angry, then slapped Carrie across her gaunt cheek with such force Carrie’s head snapped back and collided with the wall. She made no sound, however. No sign that she just felt her head being slammed into the wall behind her.
Frustrated, the mother began to viciously beat Carrie. She twisted her small arms and tore at her legs and face brutally. Still nothing issued forth from Carrie’s mouth. The mother, furious with the lack of response from her daughter, snatched Carrie by the hair and dragged her out the room to the bathroom. She threw Carrie into the tub carelessly and began to fill it with hot water. As the tub filled with scalding water and burned her skin, Carrie’s mind became conscious of the burning sensation. She whimpered slightly and lifted her head as the hot water poured over it.
“Na, ah, ah.” The mother replied and shoved Carrie’s head back under water. Carrie grappled with her mother’s arms, digging her fingernails into her mother’s wrists. In desperation, she tried to pull herself up for air, but her mother shoved her back under. She tried in vain to shout, but the scorching hot water filled her mouth and clogged her throat; bubbles were the only gurgling sound produced. The scalding water seemed to suffocate and press her down from every angle. It continued to shoot up her nose, instantly burning and clogging it. Carrie gasped for air and only received more water. Over and over again, blistering water covered up her nose and poured into her open mouth. As she choked on the water and inhaled more, it quickly filled her lungs. She tried once more in desperation to remove her mother’s arms that were placed over her face and neck, but her mother had a firm grip and was unrelenting. Trying…trying…trying so hard! The water was killing her quickly.
Help me! Carrie screamed inside. She struggled once more, but as her breathing began to dissipate and her arms weakened, she began to feel a blissfulness; a floating sensation as she slowly slipped into unconsciousness. Suddenly, the mother jerked her out of the water and slapped her on her back forcefully, and Carrie regained consciousness again.
She sputtered, choked, and coughed up water. She breathed in air deeply, gasping. Her heaving gasps came in ragged breaths as she tried to access as much air as she could. Her mother just might decided to dunk her again. The question was “would she care?” She remembered the blissful feeling of not worrying and just floating away…away and realized that no, she wouldn’t have cared if her mother decided to drown her again. She hoped her mother would do it once more.
“I’ll bet that’ll teach you to look and answer me when I address you.” The mother’s raspy voice said roughly. “You think you’re better than me? You think you’re so good you don’t have to answer me??? When you’re good for nothing! Nobody will ever want you!” The mother started to sob at this part, but recovered uncharacteristically quick and gazed at Carrie.
“So, since you’re nothing, you’re going to answer me.” Her blonde greasy hair slid across her face as she cocked her head and squinted at Carrie.
“Now let’s try this again, shall we?…Hey Carrie.”
Carrie blubbered and ran her small hands over her face, wiping the water out of her eyes. The mother smacked Carrie’s hands away from her face.
“I said, hey!” She spoke sharply. “Answer me!”
“He-hel-hello.” Carrie whispered. The mother punched Carrie on the side of her head and she fell back into the scalding water banging her head on the bottom of the tub.
“LOUDER.” The mom snarled, looking down in the tub at Carrie with disgust. Crying in earnest, Carrie managed to say the greeting louder. Her mother stood up.
“That’s more like it. Now clean up this mess! And you’d better be finished by the time I get back!” She left, slamming the door behind her.
Carrie sat in the tub for a minute crying silently. She rubbed her runny nose only to find it wasn’t snot or water, but blood that drenched her hands. She dunked them in the water to rinse them off. Finding blood from her body, after her mother did what she wanted with her, was the norm. She reached for the rim of the tub to step out. Although she struggled with her weak arms, she was able to push her body over. Sliding onto the floor, she leaned against the cabinets under the sink. Her entire body was red and felt as if it was on fire. She sobbed harder. Her little shoulders, shook violently as she cried. Her whole body was trembling and quivering.
She was still quiet, she didn’t want the woman to know or hear her. Carrie pulled her knees to her chest and hugged herself tightly. She felt utterly alone. Then she knew. She was alone. None was here for her, to help, guide and understand. No friends, no father, and certainly not God. No one. She was in this by herself. A deep pit seemed to be gnawing at her stomach as she cried soundlessly. A dark black hole that felt as if it would never be filled because she was loved by no one.
Nobody cared and no one would ever care for her. She was unwanted. A piece of filth. She cried harder, if possible. If her own mother did not want her, what made her think anyone else would? She gripped her stomach and a moan so deep and bitter slipped from her lips. But if no one would hold her and tell her everything was going to be all right, that was okay. She had herself. “Shhh…Shhh.” She placed her index finger against her lips as she rocked back and forth. She hugged herself tighter, whispering to herself. “It’s okay, I’m here for you.” But was it enough?
…..
The mother stood on the outside of the door and listened to her daughter as she slid out of the tub, still sobbing. Felicia stared at her bony hands, then softly touched her face. How she hated herself! She was nothing too. Jack had not wanted her, her mother and father did not want her, and there was so much pain corroding from the inside. She remembered the classes and the word “self-gratitude,” something of the sort, but it was all a lie. People do need others to love them.
She was doing to her daughter the same things that had been done to her. If she had not been loved, what gave Carrie the right to be loved? No, she would have to see what it felt to be unloved, unwanted and left alone. By everyone. But did she want to continue life this way? Wasting away? Is this how she wanted to live life? She slowly walked to her room and closed the bedroom door. Drugs littered the place. On her nightstand, dresser drawers, bed, bathroom floor, and book shelves. She walked to her drawers and shoved aside clothing until she found what she was searching for.
Slowly, she pulled out a revolver and held it in her hand. A bit heavy, it was. The last time she had seen this was when Jack had pulled it out on her and told her he would kill her. He had lost a huge deal and needed money to pay it off. She had been a heck of a beautiful woman once upon a time too and Jack was no fool. So, she went and offered herself.
Money was made and Jack became used to the steady stream. He made her continue and that’s when the drug use began. The drugs were evoked to forget what she was doing and maintain some dignity and self respect. She had promised herself she wouldn’t become her mother, but that promise had been broken, as had so many others. She took drugs so she would not be reminded of the men that hadn’t been her husband.
She became addicted faster than she thought she would. Soon no one wanted her anymore, not even Jack. Left with none of the money she earned she had to start over. God, it had been difficult, but she got a legal job, a small apartment, and a car. When Carrie was born, life really hit the fan.
Thinking back over her life, it gave her a sense of purpose to stop the pain. No one wanted her and what purpose did she have here on earth? Can’t say it was to live for her daughter. Her daughter hated her so much by now. There was nothing to live for and she couldn’t go on like this any longer. Shooting herself would be best for everyone. Yes, she could see now. No job, no husband, forget the child; hopefully she would be better off than she had been.
Quickly, she grabbed a piece of paper and pencil and began jotting down her life story. When she was finished she slowly folded the letter neatly. She wrote down her daughter’s name after writing the word “for” and smiled one last smile because bliss was coming shortly. She laid the letter on the dresser and walked back to the bed where the gun lay. She picked it up, placed the revolver towards her temple and, without any hesitation, pulled the trigger.
…..
Carrie jumped as she heard the gunshot go off. She moaned and rocked harder. She looked up at the ceiling, wondering “why?” then placed her head between her knees and sobbed. She thought she had been alone before. She was definitely alone. Somehow, deep inside, she knew. She knew her mother had just killed herself.
…..
The neighbor next door, stood up from his couch, forgetting the movie he had been watching. He wondered what had happened now. He could have sworn he heard a gunshot. Or possibly, it was his imagination. He had heard many sounds coming from this complex before but…without placing any more thought into it he quickly pulled on a jacket and jogged to the next apartment complex.
He knocked on the door, but all he heard was a soul-wrenching cry. There was so much pain and suffering in the sound of that wail, he barged in. His police instincts went on high alert. The whole house was pitch-black dark, and stunk. This was definitely a druggy’s house. He walked slowly and wished to heck that he had brought his gun along or ear hugger so he could call for back up.
The wail continued and he followed the noise upstairs and around a corner towards a bathroom. He cautiously pushed the bathroom door open with the tip of his shoe and looked in. Sweat popped out onto his forehead.
“Shoot,” He muttered. He had seen some scary stuff before, but nothing like this case of child abuse. He was in the narcotic’s division and always asked to be removed from the case that might involve child abuse. But this? This was just cruelty.
The heat that came from the bathroom overwhelmed him. Steam poured out of the room when he opened the door. He squinted and waved his hand around until the air fanned out and glanced down at the small child. What was a child doing in a bathroom that had so much heat in it? Her head was in between her knees and she was rocking back and forth, wailing nonstop. As his boots thumped across the floor towards her, she jerked up and John looked into the saddest eyes he had ever seen.
She wore limp wet clothes and her entire body was beet red; as if she had been in something hot far too long. Her nose was red and bleeding, she had a huge bump on the side of her face, and her thin legs and arms were turning purple and black. He could not understand how anyone could do something like this. He looked her over, making sure nothing else was wrong and noticed skin under her finger nails as if she had dug into someone. He touched her slightly and she stiffened under his touch.
“I’m not here to hurt you, ” he whispered to the girl reassuringly. “As a matter of fact, I’m a cop.” Receiving no answer, he reached out and wiped her hair gently away from her face. He had a niece this age.
“How old are you?” The gentle gesture must have triggered the girl’s emotions again. She looked at him and whispered. “Nine.” She was mighty small and rail thin for a nine year old. He had figured her to be six. That’s how old his niece was.
“What’s your name?” He questioned softly.
“Carolyn Anderson.” Was the tiny reply.
“Well, that has a nice ring to it. My name is John Allegro. You can call me Mister Policeman.” He smiled at her and she tentatively smiled back.
“Okay.” She said shyly as she folded her hands and hunched her shoulders up. Her gaze went back down to her lap.
“Do you know where Mommy or Daddy is Carolyn?”
“No.”
“No?”
“I have no father. My mom is in her room. Dead, I think.”
John startled. “Why do you think that?”
“I heard the gun.”
She looked at him again and John received a chill up his spine by the haunted gaze.
“Can you show me the room?” Carrie nodded. Looking so pitiful that John had to pick her up. She must have weighed no more than 40 pounds.
“Lead me to your mommy’s room,” Mister Policeman said.
“Straight down the hall and turn right.” John dreaded the scene his eyes would meet. He hoped to God that the child had been wrong and the mom had just busted something on accident. He walked down the hallway and Carrie buried her face in his neck whimpering. He pushed opened the bedroom door and almost threw up at the scene. Carrie looked up saw her mom and began crying again. John covered her eyes quickly and rushed out the room. Time to call for back-up.
…..
Later that day, Carrie stood in the front yard watching the paramedics carry her mother out to the ambulance in a stretcher. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion as her eyes traveled after her mother. Her mother had been covered in a bag and Carrie’s last view of her mother would be her dead body. She choked on her rushing tears and continued to stand in the middle of the yard, feeling small and unimportant.
She remembered her mother’s last degrading words and a bit of gratefulness shined in her heart. Then, Carrie was smothered with guilt as it washed over her. Slowly, she looked up and wondered if her mother was in heaven. She noticed how the dark clouds were gathering and knew a storm was coming soon.
Sure enough, rain poured down from the sky and streamed onto the running policemen and paramedics. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere. Everyone, but her. She had no place to go. People from the neighborhood, who had stepped out of their apartments to see what was causing the commotion, rushed back in to take cover from the rain and watched from the comfort of their windows.
Carrie continued standing, becoming drenched, and wondered about her future. She only knew of lies, pain, and hurt. She was fearful, what would happen to her now? Would life ever be the same? Could she go on? Thoughts poured into her mind and she never realized she was in the way of a detective moving towards her.
“Excuse me!” The detective shouted over the rain, “But you have to move forward so that we can move and pass by quickly.” She stepped forward and to the side quietly, head down, making sure she made no eye contact. She may have done something to anger the man.
“Thank you.” The guy called out as he moved pass.
After standing for a few moments Carrie realized he had said thank you. No one had ever noticed her enough to pay her any attention. She also realized that he had given her the answer to her burning questions. She knew what she had to do. No matter what happened after this, she was to move forward and not look back. She had to move forward. That was what life was all about, moving forward. Even if she did not, everyone would still push on without her, but this time she would not be stomped on, forgotten or undermined.
She looked around and noticed Mr. Policemen. He motioned to her to come to him. Her feet felt numb, but she moved towards him without a struggle. He opened his police car door.
“Hurry and get in, Carolyn. It is time to go. I am going to take you to the station and we will work everything out for you.” He smiled at the pretty little girl in front of him, while his heart was breaking simultaneously.
“Here…” He paused, for he did not know if he should give it to the girl just yet, “Your mother left this for you.” He slipped the folded note into her small hand and watched it tighten. The girls’ only remembrance of her mother. Carrie climbed in the back seat and buckled up without making a single sound. She slid the note into her wet pant pocket and as the policemen drove off. She didn’t wonder about the note, her future, or what she would do, and she did not look back at the place where she had only known pain and suffering.
Child Abuse is becoming more and more frequent. Please, contact local authorities if you notice suspicious activity of any kind. Saving a child, saves a life.