Black Friday Deals Distract from Newt Gingrich’s Truffle Shuffle & TSA’s New While You’re Down There Campaign

While the most embarrassingly pathetic citizens of this country bum rushed shopping malls and corporate chain retail stores to spend money they probably don’t have, there was a very serious set of news stories that came out. Because of the overwhelming attention to getting deals on Black Friday, those news stories didn’t get the attention they deserved.

As America very literally falls apart (infrastructure: streets, bridges, highways, interstates), the number of unemployed Americans continues to rise, and the middle class, whatever is left of them, stampede over each other to get discounted TVs, stereo equipment, clothing, and leftover pies at their local Ralph’s or Safeway grocery stores.

While these deadbeat zombie shoppers should truly be thrown into a large pit and buried alive, they are already being punished by missing out on the very exciting news beat of the day. First, Newt Gingrich was pressured into doing the Truffle Shuffle before a town hall meeting in Iowa this morning. He had an early afternoon surge in the polls as the video went viral, but then the FCC banned it, calling it “nightmarish and offensive.”

Gingrich’s lone, unpaid staffer said Newt made the right decision by embarrassing himself, because that’s just the kind of attention that the GOP voters thrive on, and get excited over.

On the front lines of the civil rights battle, the US Dept of Health teamed up with the TSA in a campaign called While You’re Down There… which will make it mandatory for TSA employees to give male travelers a testicular cancer inspection if they are already searching them for contraband.

The TSA is already wearing latex gloves, and they’re professionals, so all they need to be fully certified is a two-hour course on how to check for testicular lumps. The Dept of Health will compensate the TSA for their extra time, a spokesman said, for doing a favor for young American men who are too distracted by other things to do regular testicular checks.

Conservatives everywhere have denounced the While You’re Down There… campaign, calling it a fascist move by Big Government and Big Brother. Conservatives don’t get testicular cancer, they said, and if they did, they’d rather die from it than have their balls cupped at the airport.

Everybody has an opinion. One doctor who wished to be anonymous called the campaign “a friendly, much needed service.” Ron Paul said he was one hundred percent against the campaign, and that young men can check their own testicles in the privacy of their own showers. Mitt Romney said however he feels about While You’re Down There… today, he will feel the exact opposite about it next week.

And all the while, nobody will care, nobody will notice what Mitt Romney said, or if the TSA is qualified to begin checking testicles, and what other cancers they will soon be searching for, because we’re all a little too busy shopping for deals on Black Friday, and Black Everyday.


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