Assorted Observations About Conservatives:

by on August 1st, 2010
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How many Tea Party folk does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven, but it would still be impossible.

Why seven?

One to write a bill protesting the shape of the light bulb…

One to scoff…

One to ask his rich, corporate donors what to do next…

One to suggest the activity should be privatized…

One to claim that light is not a constitutional right…

One to pray that God Almighty will solve the problem…

One to congratulate the rest of them for sitting motionless in the dark, because it’s such a new, and terrifically innovative, conservative concept…

How do you know when a conservative is thinking?

His teeth glisten.

Four Important Conservative Principles:

1. Take what you have for granted, all of that which has been granted by a fairy who can’t be gay.

2. Take what other people have away from them by belittling the concept of an entitlement.

3. Put people in the street, so they can experience their personal liberty.

4. Work for more, rather than for the good of others, because everyone knows a two hundred fifty thousand dollar salary doesn’t make you rich.

Why is Speaker John Boehner so tan?

He doesn’t believe in global warming, raising corporate taxes, doing his job, or sun block. Besides, he’s wildly passionate and emotional about doing nothing.

How do the conservatives define the American Dream?

My dad and your dad made some money. His dad lost some money. Therefore his character is lacking, and he’s not in our Club. And if he thinks he is, he’s dreaming…

Why is it oddly disconcerting to hear an audience of Tea Party members wildly applaud 254 deaths by execution?

Because no one applauds jungle beasts, not even the beasts themselves.

What’s so ironic about the birth of the Tea Party?

It occurred during a period of the lowest taxation in fifty years.

Who are the libertarians?

The libertarians are a group of people who believe that an idea should be taken to the point of absurdity, and when called into question, should be fervently defended. They are people who take pleasure in intellectual activity, at the expense of reason. We used to call them idiosyncratic, but now for some reason, they have been marshaled under the conservative banner. There, they are considered part of the whole, but they are still not taken seriously.

Who are the Young Guns?

Six conservative, Libertarian influenced Tea Party Republican candidates who were elected to the House of Representatives. Owing to their overweening ambition, they wrote a book about themselves, with that fanciful title. It was their goal to be out of control and make their mark, which they were able to do. They created an international financial crisis by refusing to raise the debt ceiling, which cost the United States its credit rating. The Tea Party took no responsibility nor did the rest of the Republican Party for the severe consequences. They will no doubt take their special place in history, somewhere between Benedict Arnold and Herbert Hoover.

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