It probably wasn’t the best idea I had to start off my day with, every now and again stupidity prevails and you just have to go with it. I wasn’t completely aware of my clumsy attempt to making a wave in my life. Still, I figured out how to surprise even myself.
It all started when I got tired with my predictability. Sure, not many people would admit it, nor call it by its more common name boredom. According to family folklore, when I get bored the earth changes it’s axis. Very unfair assessment, I will assure anyone of that. However, the few who speak the loudest are usually heard first and some days I just don’t have the strength to shout it over a loud speaker.
I guess it would be best if I digress by about ten minutes. Might be a little helpful in explaining why the earth is changing on its axis.
I had the odd feeling that my cell was about to ring. I was looking forward to chasing down a hurricane at Pat O’s in the quarter with my best friend Kat which we hadn’t done in years. And that’s when; yeah shocking I know the phone rang. “Don’t look and maybe it won’t be her.” I told myself. “Stupid, stupid, stupid” I looked.
“Hey Kat, what’s wrong?” I knew my voice was low and lingered into the air that I was going to be disappointed.
“Why do you always assume that it’s bad news?” When her voice is taut and tight it’s bad news and that is exactly how she sounded.
“I don’t but we are leaving in 30 minutes and I really am getting a feeling that you are about to say — — ” She cut me off.
“Really, you think I am going to cancel. Just remember I NEVER cancel?” It wasn’t the canceling I was afraid of it was the steps leading up to the canceling I hated. Because she was right in a sense she never canceled — .Her steps made me cancel.
First there was the; I am running a few minutes behind. Followed by a half hour later with another phone call which I refer to as; I had to take this call but I am getting ready right now pick me up in twenty minutes. Usually it takes twenty minutes to get to her house, so once you get there, you then hear; somebody else called but I am almost ready. Now let’s talk about the last one for a second. Almost, the definition is; Adverb: Not quite; very nearly: Being still in your PJs with your hair in a ponytail and no make-up on is nowhere near the definition of almost!
Finally, the end of the day after I have waited nearly three hours on the word almost, her phone rings again and it is her husband needing her immediate attention. This is where I say “Ya know what let’s do this another time.” And she’ll mouth to me her sorry and I just roll my eyes and blow it off.
If everything is a go, then I simply get a text saying; where are you? That is the cue I wait for. Today I didn’t get a text I got a call. Three hours waiting for the green light would put us at the one o’clock hour leaving Baton Rouge and two o’clock for New Orleans and then the; we need to leave before rush hour speech. That turns out to be one expensive hurricane drink from Pat O’s.
All this was going through my head while Kat continued to talk about how I cancel all the time. I placed in my proper, uh-huh’s and I see, an occasional I gotcha. “Kat, do you still want to go?” I said exhausted from her current rant.
“I want to make one thing clear — .you just don’t show up!” She made a strong argument.
“Good point. Doesn’t really answer the question does it?” She was throwing up a stall tactic and I wasn’t playing with her.
“Just come and I will be ready. Promise!” She sounded convincing but I couldn’t be sure, I needed to ask one more question and I would have my answer.
“Will you be dressed when I get there?” My fingers were crossed for the elusive yes, but a deep breathe from her mouth said it all. “It’s okay we can go another time.” I said.
“I knew you would cancel. No get your sorry butt over here and we are going!” I am shutting off my phone right now!” She was pissed. Good this means she just might be ready.
On my way to Kat’s house I played Golden Earrings’ Twilight Zone and jammed. I was thinking this was going to be fun if we get there crappy if we don’t. The drive to Kat’s seem like it would take forever. Traffic seemed usually heavy for the nine o’clock hour. When I looked back in the rearview I saw a police car and then the lights flashing I pulled over to let him pass but he was still behind me. I was really beginning to hate driving to Kat’s, this just cemented to deal.
I looked behind me and realized he was walking to my car; I rolled down my window to address the officer.
“Good god you are still alive.” The voice said behind the aviator glasses perched on his nose. This was not the response I was expecting from law enforcement and I was suddenly feeling that I was on a police version of reality television.
“Huh?” Squinting at the officer I couldn’t see anything the sun was right in my eyes from the reflection of his glasses. “Okay officer I don’t know what I did that you have to blind me but I swear, whatever you pulled me over for I will gladly pay the fine.”
“Daphne, you haven’t paid a fine in your life. I hardly think you are going to start now.” The officer said.
“OMG! Phil I didn’t recognize you since you were blinding me and all. How are you?”
“Fine. Saw this piece crap you drive and was wondering why you were not at work?” He was using his official tone of voice.
“Ahem, excuse me I owe you an answer?” I looked away from Phil for fear of having my retinas burnt to a crisp. He started laughing while I was swatting my hands over my eyes as if I was giving magical sign language for him to remove his glasses.
“Daph, just ask you nut.” The implications being I should have said hey dumbass take off your glasses you’re burning my eyes. Probably would have worked faster then the swatting.
He removed his glasses slowly revealing his baby blues and a real good shiner under his left eye.
“Ouch what happened?” I pointed to his eye.
“For the love of god Daphne, no more sign language. Answer my question first.” He smiled with as much wattage as the sun. However, this was far more pleasureable than retina burning.
“Kat and I are going to the Quarter.” I said with a slight grimace.
“Riiiight — not gonna happen. She’ll take to long and you will cancel. Remember her husband is my best friend. Oh, and the black eye is from getting to close while training a rookie in subduing a prisoner”
“I thought the population here grew?” I said looking at his now puzzled face.
“Yes it did, but what does that have to do with what we were talking about.” Phil was really confused.
“This town has gotten way to small if you know Kat’s and my habits. People should have other hobbies.” His smile was a tad off. I knew this from the past when we tried dating. After a month we were both bored and wanted something –actually other people. It was a clear case of better friends than lovers. Back then when I told him how I felt his smile was a tad off. Something was amiss. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Damn it Phil, you big dummy. I cannot believe you think you’re that smart and I am that stupid. What? Do you need a date for the policeman ball? Kat told you I was going to her house. Aghhhhhhhh. Try using the phone next time and not my tax dollars. ” I shook my head, rolled up my window and took off. Too bad, he could have been given a second chance. I looked back and saw him throw his hands in the air. Again, too bad he was good looking.
Kat was not getting ready if she had time to call Phil. I dialed her number. I knew she wouldn’t answer but leaving a message felt pretty good. “Phil? You told Phil I was on my way to your place? You should have told him pulling me over wasn’t the brightest ideas. I will be at you house in five.”
No sooner did I hang up the phone when a text message popped up. I couldn’t look at it while driving, one; it’s against the law and two; I have a hard time reading and driving anyway. My text message alert suddenly went wacko it just kept going off. I pulled in to a gas station to see what going on. As I flipped through the 14 different messages to realize my daughter was having a minor melt down. Then my phone rang.
“Mom!” She said in a very tense voice.
“What’s wrong?” I used my very best motherly tone. She suddenly began talking like an auctioneer at a Flea Market. I was having trouble with her audible but I was beginning to get the gist of it.
She was out of cash and needed money for gas, food and what ever else she auctioned off. “Please mom can you stop by work and drop off cash, please!!!!”
“I am on my way to Kat’s can’t this wait?” I looked at my left hand and noticed my fingers automatically crossed. It was a strange involuntary reaction to my grown child asking for money. Every part of me wanted to tell her no, but I am not that strong. Sounds easy enough to say NO, and yet I can never seem to get it out of my mouth when it comes to the sound of my child’s voice.
I lost my own argument. The whole time I was thinking how to say NO, she counter punched with “Mom, you wouldn’t want me to get stranded somewhere, would you?” That was all I needed to hear.
I changes directions and headed to the mall where she worked. I stopped at the ATM and grabbed some cash for her. As I was walking towards the store she worked at I couldn’t help but notice that my favorite store was having a huge sale. Naturally, I wandered in.
Not sure how long I was there but long enough for a familiar voice to come up behind me. “Mom I work one store over.”
Blushing, I pointed to the giant sale sign. Then I realized it was my money and time not hers. Sensing, that she was there for a reason I looked down at my hand and the two twenties in it. Then I gently placed the two bills in her hand. Sarah looked into my eyes and flashed her perfect smile. She should flash it; after all it cost one trip overseas and a year’s college tuition. When I look at her I insist she smile no matter what. I want my money’s worth. Kidding aside she was a beautiful girl with a bad shopping habit AND she works in the mall. Recovery is not in her immediate future.
I left the mall not taking advantage of the big sale but also I wasn’t suffering from buyer’s remorse. Mother’s enabling guilt yes but not buyer’s remorse.
I made it to my car realizing time was drifting from morning to afternoon and I had not made it to Kat’s house yet. Again with out hesitation I looked at my phone it was kismet. “Hello?” In truth I didn’t really want to know. Maybe it was an opinion poll. Better still work or my mother, either one would not interrupt too badly with my getting to Kat’s house.
“Hey it’s Margie. Do you remember that report you wanted me to send to the main office?” This conversation was sinking like the Titanic. I had thought way too soon.
“I’m jinxed.” I grumbled.
“Wait. What?” Margie was a little confused. “Jinxed? I just want to know where you put the report so I can send it.”
“I gave it to you yesterday.” I sighed.
“Uh, no you didn’t.” Then she sighed.
“Yes Margie, I did.” I was now rubbing my temples and starting to feel the Louisiana heat get the best of me.
“Well if you did I can’t find it.” Sink, Sank, Sunk — — I have officially given into Dr. Seuss’s way of thinking.
I jumped into my car and was headed at rapid speed to the office. Rapid speed at lunch time by the way is only 20 miles an hour. My drive crept along as I noticed another 20 minutes off the clock. “Damn it.” Frustrated I spewed labored profanities in the air to go with all the Love bugs flying around this time of year.
I grabbed for my phone and left Kat another message. “Running to the office. I will call when I leave, sorry.”
When I arrived Margie was standing in the door way waving a file at me. “What are you doing here?”
“You can’t find my report I worked three weeks on. Nor can you access my files to send it.” She was looking displeased, but at this point I didn’t care.
When I opened my office I saw the stack of reports still on the corner of my desk. Spinning quickly around to look Margie in the eye to show her my disgust.
Margie looked at me and then it all became clear. Far more clever then clear. I smiled back, and then pointed at the reports. Without a single word spoken between us she removed the reports from my desk and left my office. When she turned back to look at me, I winked.
I finally got it.
I left my office and got back in my car. I didn’t look at my phone until I pulled into Kat’s driveway. It was now one o’clock. I strolled into her house and could hear her rummaging in her bedroom. I quietly shut the door and turned my phone on silent. I felt the vibration in my hand. I didn’t need to look at the text. I knew what it was. I went into the kitchen and pour myself a diet soft drink and sat at the breakfast bar. Tangling my feet off the barstool I began to count. One, Two, Three Four — my cell once again vibrated in my hand. From the bedroom I could hear her. “Damn it, answer the phone.”
Laughing quietly, I walked out of the kitchen and to her bedroom. I watch from the door way as she punched my number again on her phone. She had not yet turned around. I slid my finger on the top of the phone allowing the ring tone to be heard.
The blasting sound of Linus and Lucy ringing caused Kat to jump a foot in the air, and her tossing her phone over her shoulder into my waiting hands. Grabbing her chest she slowly turned around.
“You scared the living daylights out of me. What is wrong with you?” She tried to look serious. However, I wasn’t buying it.
“So let’s just see the favors you called to keep me busy today.” I said as I began looking at her calls made. “Oh look, one to Phil, one to Sarah and one to Margie. Hmmmm been busy I see.”
Her serious look gave way to an evil grin. “You know I am not a morning person and I take forever to get ready. I just thought I would keep you busy so you wouldn’t cancel.”
And there it was. My best friend came up with a devious plot to keep me on her schedule so that we would still head out to New Orleans and she could sleep an extra hour or putts around the house in her PJs.
“I know, you don’t have to tell me. For the record I’m not either. I will give you credit you had me until I went to the office.
“Over played it, huh?” She said with a chuckle.
“Yep pretty much, you went one destination too far.” I said laughing.
“Why do we have to go to New Orleans anyway? What is so important?”
She made a good point. I look at her, started to speak changed my mind and started to speak again. She reached both of her hands up to my mouth and started a mime pulling string out of my mouth routine. I placed my hands on top of hers and said “I got nothing.” Truth was I didn’t have a reason I just want to do something different.
We caved into to a rousing explosion of laughter and didn’t stop. No, we didn’t get to Quarter but we did have a good time. Because of my predictability or boredom if you will, my best friend was able to pin point my reactions to various situations and get help from the lovely insane people, who’s world also needed a quick pick me up in another ordinary day.
Later I would find out Kat sent out updates on my locations and her crack team would send updates back. The world changed its axis alright it leaned a little more to the side of humorous encounters and clumsy exchanges. I guess everybody needs a best friend who can yank your chain every now and again. Just wait her turn is coming! Do I hear an evil laugh somewhere?