Sir Elton John is one of the greatest musicians of all time. The piano man stands tall alongside peers like Elvis Presley, John Lennon and Paul McCartney. However, throughout his 40 years in music, he has released some stinkers. Here is a list of Elton John;s 10 worst songs of all time.
10) Jamaica Jerk Off
A funky song that goes nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. The song comes off the impeccable “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” album. Jamaica Jerk Off is the worst song on the album, and barely listenable. The song was written in haste, after Elton John and his band tried to record the album in Jamaica. It didn’t go well. The result was “Jamaica Jerk Off.” And the song is just as funky and raucously awful as the way Elton has explained his experience in Jamaica during 1973.
9) Poor Cow
In 1988, Elton John released the album “Reg Strikes Back.” As most fans know, Elton John’s real name is Reg Dwight. You would think an album like “Reg Strikes Back” it would be full of rock songs. A giant screw you to people who didn’t think Elton still had it. We couldn’t be more wrong. The album was full of stinkers, with “Poor Cow” being the highest peak on the mountain of steam. The song is extremely fast and hyperactive. It just doesn’t work.
8) Religion
Elton John made a big return to form in 1982 with the hit album “Too Low For Zero.” The song was full of hits such as “I Guess Thats Why They Call It The Blues,” “I’m Still Standing” and “Kiss The Bride.” But it also housed a miss, namely “Religion.” Now “Religion” isn’t the most awful song in Elton’s catalog (we’ll get to that one later), but in comparison to the other grade A tracks, “Religion” just comes off deft.
7) Feed Me
The song “Feed Me” is a long drawn out song that is absolutely boring. Although the song isn’t about suicide, it certainly does make the listener want to jump out a window. Even the lyrics are boring. It’s like tofu for the ears. The song claims to be an Elton John song, but it tastes nothing like it.
6) I Cant Steer My Heart Clear of You
From the critically panned “The Big Picture” album, “I Can’t Steer My Heart Clear Of You” is a boorish and dramatic generic love song. It’s the type of song that Elton John could right in his sleep. In fact, it’s quite possible he wrote the majority of these songs in his sleep. “I Can’t Steer My Heart Clear Of You” is full of typical overblown Broadway Elton John, and a lot less musical arrangement.
5) Cartier
A one minute song that Elton John wrote about his love to expensive Jewelry. One of Elton John’s worst songs of all time. A slap in the face to his poor fans. It came off very self centered and selfish and really made Elton John look like an idiot.
4) Passengers
Elton John saw some success in the 80s, and the album “Breaking Hearts” was a part of that. It heralded a huge hit “Sad Songs Say So Much.” But it also had “Passengers.” The song is ludicrous. The song has a catchy beat, with Elton John and the background singers “Deny the passenger, who wanna get on.” They sing it in a weird tongue, though I’m not sure which accent they were trying to emulate. As if the song is not bad enough, try looking up the music video on Youtube. I had never seen so many painted African American men in my life.
3) Big Dipper
You would think a song written about America’s favorite Constellation would be awesome, right? Because we all love songs about astronomy. Except, on this song, from the unfavorable “A Single Man” album, “Big Dipper” is a term used for a males private part. Going even further, the song tells the story of a “cute little slip of a sailor” who might be hooking up with a male, rather than a female, on any given night. It was certainly a bit risque back in 1976, but the song was awful.
2) Solar Prestige A Gammon
This song came off the 1975 album Caribou, which is considered Elton John’s worst early 70s album. As one Elton John biography wrote, the song was written as a “up yours” to the critics, who looked too deeply into the lyrics. The song is just a bunch of nonsense.
1) I Am Your Robot
The quintessential bad Elton John song. This song does not have one redeeming quality. One of the actual lyrics to the song is “My serial number is 44357.” I’m sure Elton John wrote it as a gag, as he did with “Solar Prestige A Gammon.” But that doesn’t give him carte blanche at selling a bull crap song and calling it listenable. Extremely poor choice of a track.
If you can think of any other bad Elton John songs, feel free to comment.