This is the third in a series of guides targeted specifically to self-loathers. The first, Tutorial: How to Sabotage Yourself, is a general beginner’s guide. The second, Self-Loather’s Guide to Dating, is assured to transform you into a truly disturbed person. The first two guides, along with this third guide, will have you wallowing in self-pity, all of your waking hours. For something truly advanced, check out my forthcoming Self-Loather’s Guide to Sleeping. Keep all four guides with you on your phone as a set of handy checklists, for 24/7 self-sabotage.
Following are 20 simple steps to depleted self-worth, and total loss of respect. Finding a job and actually working is beyond the scope of this guide. As a self-loather, you are likely unemployed. Working as a full time professional poker player does not count unless you are famous for it, which you’re not.
1. Include a lot of happy faces throughout your résumé and cover letter. They will want to know that you are a happy person.
2. Once you have created the perfect résumé (complete with smileys, and every job you have ever worked, including that weekend in the lemonade concession stand at the fair for which you were paid under the table), post it to LinkedIn and Facebook, then send it to all of your family and friends, and tell them to start sending it to all of their friends. If you can get it to go viral, you could get a ton of quality job offers.
3. Contact SEIU about becoming a full time Occupy Wall Street protester. This is the best job ever! You get to stand around with a sign, take breaks whenever you want by simply sitting down, and there’s no dress code. The big plus is that you can include this on your résumé! You don’t even have to take a shower!
4. Speaking of dress codes, always wear a midriff to job interviews. This applies whether you are a man or a woman. The interviewer will appreciate your excellent sense of style, especially if you have great abs.
5. In the winter, wear a very thick coat to job interviews, then flash it open quickly as soon as you walk into the interview room, to show off your midriff. The interviewer will love your great sense of humor.
6. Bring extra copies of your résumé, printed on fanciful butterfly or angel paper. The interviewer will be mesmerized.
7. Write a cheat sheet on your hands and arms. It’s good to be prepared.
8. Bring a 32 ounce bottle of Caf-Pow! It’s good to stay hydrated in tense situations.
9. Have a camera with you so you can take pictures with everyone you meet. This will make them feel special, and you have the added benefit of being able to post the pictures with short descriptions of what you think of each person to Facebook while being interviewed.
10. Try to bring a few pets with you to every job interview. The interviewer will think they are cute, it will show how good you are at multitasking, and you’ll be seen as kind and accepting of those creatures that are weaker than you.
11. Make sure to tell everyone you meet how happy you will be to work with them. They will be really impressed by your confidence.
12. As soon as the interviewer sits down, stand up and give a prepared speech on a topic related to what you will be working on in your future job. For example, if you have applied to become a receptionist, you could give a speech on the value of receptionists in a down economy.
13. Offer the interviewer some chewing gum about five minutes after the interview begins. The interviewer will be glad to know that he or she is not alone in the fight against bad breath.
14. Secretly press buttons on your phone during the interview every couple of minutes, then say, “Oops, sorry, another text message!” The interviewer will be happy to know that you are so well connected.
15. Feel free to use large gestures and stand up to show the interviewer what you’re talking about to get your point across. For example, when the interviewer asks about the line dancing skills listed on your résumé, stand up and do a little line dance to some loud country music on your phone. Some things just can’t be explained with words.
16. Tweet about anything interesting the interviewer says during the interview. He or she will love to be promoted to all of your Twitter friends.
17. Tell the interviewer how sexy and good looking he or she is. This applies whether you are the same or opposite sex. He or she will be extremely flattered.
18. Give the interviewer a big hug at the end of the interview to show them how much you care.
19. If the interviewer, inconceivably, gives you the job on the spot, jump up and down screaming as if you just won a million dollars. He or she will be ecstatic to see how happy you are about your new job.
20. As soon as you get home after the interview, send a funny animated Thank You e-Card from Jib-Jab, using the photos you took of everyone at the building where you had your interview. The interviewer will appreciate your creativity and sense of humor. Be sure to close your e-Card with a variety of emos.