On Bullying, Fighting Back, Trouble at School, and Whether Children Must Pay Dead Parents’ Debts

Stop here every day for a new question and answer, practical help for busy parents.

Question

Should a child be allowed to hit when attacked by a bully? My 6-year-old was pushed to the ground by a little boy at school. She told the teacher, and the boy got into trouble. I’ve said if it happens again, I will go down to the school to make them do something to stop it. But if it happens a third time, I would tell my daughter hit the boy back. My friend said this isn’t fair and may “upset” the little boy. Should children be allowed to hit back, if someone else starts the fight?

Answer

The answer to your question is yes, with a few caveats. But before I get down to details, let’s clear something up.

What do you mean by “make them do something to stop it?” Do you expect the school board to hire a full-time bodyguard for your daughter? The school did take action. A girl got pushed, and the bully was punished. That’s how problems are solved in real life. It’s not practical to expect the school to prevent all bullying from the start. However, you are well within your rights to insist that if bullying occurs, the school will step in and take action.

If the bully persists in his conduct, the school should step up the penalties. If it won’t, then by all means, get involved. But there is certainly a chance that another bully – there are some in every crowd – will pick on your daughter. Allow the existing disciplinary system to address the problem before you get upset with the school.

Now, on to hitting back.

I don’t promote fighting in school. Most adults understand that fisticuffs are not the best way to solve problems. Those adults generally teach their children the same thing. But some parents go too far on the issue of avoiding fights, as excessive pacifism can backfire. No, kids shouldn’t start fights. Nor should they respond to a bully’s goading and throw the first punch. Many bullies use that strategy to beat people up without getting in trouble. However, once the bully takes a poke at a kid, he or she cannot simply let it slide.

In school, children run in packs, and everyone knows the hierarchy. Once a child allows a bully to mount a physical attack without fighting back, that child shoots to the bottom of the pecking order. At that point, even the wimpiest of the bullies (yes, there’s a hierarchy of bullies and well) may target the kid unwilling to defend herself.

Teach your daughter to avoid fights when possible, but not to simply stand there and allow herself to be beaten up. Seriously, who benefits from that kind of conduct? Train your daughter to stand up for herself. Fists, of course, are the last resort. But only a fool doesn’t act to protect herself when threatened.

Question

If a parent dies, are the children responsible for the parent’s debts?

Answer

In most cases, no. Have you co-signed for a mortgage or other loan? If not, your parent’s creditors have no legal claim on your assets. Of course, they may still try to collect from you.

Creditors, particularly debt-collection firms, frequently try to bully surviving children into covering a deceased parent’s debts. However, they cannot force you to pay unless your name is on the contract.

That said, the debts must still be paid out of the estate. The executor of the parent’s will may have to liquidate property or other assets to cover any debts. But if an adult dies without sufficient assets to cover his obligations, the creditors generally end up taking the loss.

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