Although I was raised in a seemingly Christian environment, we were never far from our Native roots. My grandfather and father kept us close to the earth, never realizing how Pagan their spirits were. We didn’t just celebrate Christian holidays, and attend church. I had uncles that were preachers, who left their calling after many hours of conversations that were overheard by my young ears.
I even had the privilege of witnessing hypocrisy and grace through some of the same venues. Although one caused me to turn from the other in extreme ways, I had no doubt that there was a Creator God. Caught up in the mania of Revival, I had witnessed the “truth” of Christianity. Caught up in the depression of abuse, I had also witnessed the “truth” of Satanism.
Throughout it all, I felt a connection to the Earth that was beyond anything I could explain. I could hear the spirit held within some trees, just as I could sense the spirits exuding from certain people. As an avid researcher of the functions of the brain and how psychology was impacted by spirituality, my grandpa used me for some of his research. It may have been that he knew more than most people.
I remember asking Grandma once, as I was questioning the connection between spirit and psyche, if anyone else in the family had unusual experiences with knowledge, remembering how she was always able to find me in one try when I hid as a child. Although I had in mind the day Grandpa “called to me” before picking me up at the mall as he was reaching for his keys on the dresser at home, I did not know there was a significant family history of “other-worldliness”.
I believe that there is more than a correlation between psychological diagnosis, and spirituality; most individuals I know who have been diagnosed with a “psychological disorder”, such as Bi-Polar or even Fibromyalgea, also have had some kind of significant spiritual event, rather it is seeing a “ghost” or religious conversion. The method of revelation may vary as much as the diagnosis, but there is some kind of connection in ever single individual.
I grew up in a unique situation, going from an extremely loving and open environment until I was 5, to a neglectful (at best) extremely closed environment during my dad’s second marriage. During this time I experimented with the extremes of Christianity. I studied the Bible, and purposefully opened the doors of my mind to daemons. Rather it was through abuse, or DNA, I was diagnosed with “Manic Depressive Disorder”. During that time I attempted suicide on several occasions, never understanding why I did not succeed.
It was after that marriage ended, and I grew from an impressionable teenager into a questionable adulthood, that I began to explore more Earthly alternatives. Like I had with Christianity and Satanism, I read everything, questioned everyone. I opened my mind to knowledge I did not know was instilled in me through the celebration of our family history. Some people would define this as “Shamanism”, and though I actively pursued Odanism and Wicca, it was definitely a time of Pagan exploration.
But I did not give up my Christian teachings either. I had witnessed something greater through those teachings, and though I did not know how to fit together everything I knew, I was beginning to understand the limited abilities of the human mind, compared to the limitless possibilities of whatever else is out there. I found myself back at church, questioning who I was, what I was, where I needed to be.
By then I had realized the trance-like state music could induce, particularly when lead by a knowledgeable individual. The combined spirits of the group can sweep you up during a Christian alter-call, independent of your personal belief system. I was on a retreat at a cabin in the woods, and was in a prime state of being.
When I heard the words, my heart stopped: “Grace, Glory, Honor Wisdom”. I did not know what was meant, but I did know Who was speaking. I did not understand It as Christian, but I knew it was Something Greater than myself. Looking back, I might have dismissed it as a manifestation of the moment, except for the second time It spoke.
“Ya-SHEW-whea!” It was a warm breath that surround me and lifted me up. It became part of me, and made me part of everything.
A few weeks after the retreat, I was walking through the deserted halls of our very large church, and nearly passed by one of the many pastors without more than a, “Hello!”, but I had to stop him. I did not know any of the pastors well, and cannot even say that I had ever seen him in the halls, except for one other time. When I asked him if he knew that word, I did not give him any way to contact me. I had no expectation of receiving an answer, even though he said it sounded familiar to him.
The only other time I saw him anywhere in the church other than during services, he and I were again just passing one another in a deserted hallways on an off day, when he stopped me. It seems this voice had spoken a real word to my untrained ears.
“It’s ancient Hebrew. It is another name for God-meaning ‘I am here’. “
“I am here.” Now. God in current tense.
It was not long after this that I left. I left the area, I left the church, I left town. I did not understand anything any longer. My life was so full of extremes. My mind was loosing it’s grip on reality. The world I had worked so hard to create for myself was falling apart, and I had an offer to go help a loved one in California, so I went.
Between the initial conversation, and my moving date, was less than one month. I sold everything I could, packed what I thought I needed, and left Ohio on a long lonely trip to California.
Except that I was not alone.
At no point did I ever feel that God was not with me. We had many long conversations during that trip. God showed me many things about It’s creation; both the physical world around me, and myself.
Perhaps it was because of what It showed me, or maybe because of my previous experience, but the time I spent in California was full of Pagan understanding. This may seem contradictory after having received such confirmation of the Judeo-Christian Creator. I did not understand the things that were taking place around me, but I did not worry about it either. I had no doubt that God was with me in the here and now.
It was on the return trip to Ohio that I began to understand, “God” is just a word that we use to define Something we cannot possibly understand. As human beings, our brains are unable to function on that level. We understand in terms of our experience. That could be through direct interactions, or through input from other forms. However we receive the information, we are not capable of conceiving beyond what we have a control with which to compare.
Most people have some kind of spiritual background. For most American we are raised with some kind of understanding of Christianity, even if it’s just the celebration of Christmas and what our neighbors do. Some of us may have experienced something beyond the physical and intellectual input considered “normal” experiences. Perhaps that is a story of Extra Sensory Perception or a ghostly anecdote. Although outside the “norm”, even alien encounters are no longer as unusual as they once may have been. Very few laugh at another’s angelic experience, nor is the idea of spiritual evil obscure.
We, as humans, are limited, but that does not mean that the “truth” is. Humans once thought the world was flat, and that we were the center of the only galaxy. We now know the Milky Way is but one of many, and our world is but a tiny piece of a larger whole. Such is the way of divine understanding as well.
Shortly after I returned to Ohio from California, I found myself sitting in a Sunday School class listening to a gentleman accuse the Masons of being a Satanic organization. I do not think I would have evolved into an adult if not for my associations with the Masons, and, because as a child my grandfather learned his ritual by reciting it to me, (although this is not allowed), I have a greater understanding of the Masons than even many Masons. It is definitely not a Satanic organization, and in fact, has much of it’s ritual based on the Old Testament of the Judeo-Christian religion. Only a Christian who did not know the history of his own professed faith could have said such a thing, and I was in great turmoil because of these lies.
I left the room, and finding the sanctuary empty, I fell to my knees at the alter in a heap of tears and questioning; How was it possible that I should know such extremes to be real? How could all these things I had experienced be put together to make a whole?
From a life of confusion and doubt, I was graced with an absolute moment of understanding. Absolute certainty was something I had never previously known, yet in this darkest of moments, I found it. I had partial understandings of this and that, but never saw how they could fit together, and it was through this confusion that I understood: We are not intended to understand all things.
Our lack of understanding does not make a thing less true or real. It does not mean that God is anything less, just because there exists contradictions. God is limitless. God is beyond our ability to define.
That Which Created Us All understand s us all. What we call God (or many other Names) knows that we are all created unique and individual, understanding in ways that are unique and individual. Although some understandings may be grouped together, no two individuals see the same way. Because God is beyond us, It has the ability to be all things to all beings. It may, in fact, be many things and not just one.
In our vanity, humans want to define our Creator, and limit It to focus on us as the Divine Creation. There are some who have a truthful understanding of the way things are in this very manner, just as the Creator intended them to. They are no less wrong than those who have been given to understand the Creator through Its creations, just as they were intended. Not all human minds can accept that there may be many ways for God to exist, that are contradictory and absolute. Some people were not intended to understand much, while other are intended to understand more. Einstein is no less a genius for that he could not tie his own shoes. He simply was as he was created.
Just as we all are. We do not need to understand all things, but we do need to understand how to exist. This is by accepting that we are not all created to be alike, or to have perfect understanding. We need to tolerate the differences created in and around us, without trying to force our understandings on one another. Although there are some Religions who attempt this, I have not found any that I feel are successful. It seems an unfortunate characteristic of humanity that we need others to understand our perspective, even though they may not be capable.
For this reason, and with great conviction, I created the Church of Understanding. Through this church, all manner of faiths are welcome, with the insistence that respect be maintained, independent of different belief systems. I am ChoUist Pagan: My Creator communes with me through Its creations, but though I may hold this individual process of faith, I uphold the following:
Church of Understanding Statement of Beliefs
As Individuals of Understanding and Conscious Responsibility for Ourselves, and as a Unified Body Bound beyond this statement, We DECLARE the Following:
1. We Believe in a Divine Power Beyond Us and WithIn Us and the Creation around us, that is Outside the Understanding of our Human Minds and Without Boundaries.
2. Evolution is more than a Scientific Theory, but manifests itself in the Human experience as We Evolve to Understanding.
3. Free Will is nothing More nor is anything less than a Being who takes Divine Responsibility for the Choices they make, and Accepts the Consequences of their Mistakes.
4. Original Sin goes beyond Adam and Eve, and has Evolved into the Human Necessity to Experience Mistakes, that we may Learn Great Lessons.
5. Each being, having been Created Unique and Individual, has a unique and individual Understanding; God, being Without Boundaries, has the Divine Ability to shed Grace to Individuals in Unique and confusing ways to all of Its Creations.
6. Respect, Tolerance and Communication is key to Peace.
7. Balance and Moderation.
Like so many things, it took an act of extreme duress to initiate the foundation of the Church of Understanding. It is without time or boarders, and so it is not in standard formation with any human law. It is ever growing and evolving, just as humans themselves do. We are made up of many faiths, and though some may classify us as a “cult” we know that we are no less for the concerns of others, and are grateful for such, which allows us to temper any extremes within us. Through conflict we evolve, and anything important will experience conflict. We do not expect universal agreement, just hope that we may exist in tandem with others. We believe that through this, we will teach others to exist with themselves.