Dealing with Divorce and Custody Issues: What to Do when Your Ex is Emotionally Abusive to Your Kids

When we go through life and imagine marriage and children, no one thinks that divorce will happen to them. Oh sure, you see divorce cases all around you but both of you agree that the fate of others will not befall you. Then the day comes. The children are here, looking to you to guide them and you are just trying to be strong enough to wait for the world to stop spinning underneath you.

It’s the nasty “D” word, and it is happening to you. For whatever reason, you find it necessary to go through with it and try to find peace on the other side of war. It’s a traumatic process. One that is tough enough without any kind of abuse added to you or the kids by your ex. What happens when your ex is emotionally abusive to your kids?

Emotional abuse is scarring. It can have detrimental effects on the psyche of children, especially if committed by their parents. Children learn their self worth from their parents. When they are getting only negative feedback they assume that they are the ones who are wrong or not good enough. Nothing could be further from the truth.

If your ex is emotionally abusive to your kids then the first thing you should do is try to talk to your ex. In a non-threatening way try to make them understand that the things that they say or do is having a negative impact on the children. If you do not have the kind of relationship with your ex that is conducive to sitting down and talking, then maybe a close relative of theirs that cares about your kids can help. You can talk to them about it and maybe they can relay it to your ex in their own way that sounds less threatening to your ex.

Make sure that you try to stay as calm as possible. Any personal feelings about it can lead to anger on your part. This only incites a battle between you and your ex. If your goal is to communicate then this can be counter-productive. However, it is a good idea to keep detailed records of every incident that you witness and those that your children tell you about. Emotional abuse IS abuse and if your ex is being abusive to your kids, the courts will want to know about it. This is especially true if you are in the middle of a custody dispute.

I caution you though, make sure that you are telling the truth always and documenting things that actually happened. It does no good to exaggerate because if you are caught even one time doing that, you lose all credibility and no one will be sure if your documentation is accurate. Do the right thing at all times and utilize the court systems when necessary without any personal anger getting in the way.

The last thin you can do is talk to your children about your ex’s behavior. Be careful not to throw your ex under the bus. It cannot turn into a scenario where mommy and daddy are talking bad about each other because this just throws the kids in the middle. Stay neutral with your personal feelings about your ex and try to explain that sometimes adults have experiences which make it difficult for them to handle things the right way. While this does not excuse the behavior and treatment of others, it can help to understand a little better and therefore, you can all disengage from what the person is saying a little better.

This is a very difficult issue to tackle. Sometimes there are people in this world who are not strong enough to do the work on themselves that it takes to become a better parent. Their personal pain is so great that they will never stop running from themselves. While this is unfortunate, it is unacceptable when their pain turns to abuse and is put onto others, especially their children.

Source: Amber J. Cabrera

Inspiration from: Using divorce mediation : save your money & your sanity / by Katherine E. Stoner.
Berkeley, Calif. : Nolo Press, c1999.
http://www.nolo.com/law-authors/katherine-stoner.html


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