Not all single dads shirk their parental responsibilities. In fact, many great dads are fighting custody battles to protect their children from neglectful mothers who are more interested in a support check than their children. Every child has the right to know both parents, and trust me, a child that has felt loved by both parents is likely to grow up to be a well-adjusted adult, but in situations where one or the other parent is irresponsible and neglectful, someone must step forward to protect the child. Unfortunately, many dads are clueless about the family court system and how to prepare for an ugly custody battle. Here are a few tips to help dads protect their children.
1) Always keep a level head. Understand that you are expected to take the high road in all situations related to your ex-spouse and children. You are the adult. You don’t have to like your ex-spouse but you are not allowed to lose your temper, even if your ex pushes every button in the book. There is a way to fight back without lashing out though. If your ex is physically or verbally aggressive towards you bring a friend with you to the exchanges and always meet in a well lit, public place, preferably under video surveillance. Limit communication with your ex to written correspondence. When writing an email or sending a text people are more aware of their message (or should be more aware) since everything they write can be used against them. You can document all text messages by sending them to your email then either file them so they’re easily found or print them out. Tracking correspondence also limits the “he said/she said” garbage that judges hate to hear. Proof is important when accusing an ex-spouse of neglectful or inappropriate behavior.
2) Find a good local female lawyer. I’m not trying to bash male lawyers but more often than not I’ve heard positive feedback from dads who’ve hired a woman lawyer to represent them. Mind you, you better be a good dad with your child’s best interests at heart because a woman lawyer might not be inclined to go to bat for a jerk. A local lawyer will also understand the nuances of local judges. I’ve seen women bring in big city lawyers who litigate everything, annoy the judge, give opposing counsel plenty of fuel for their fire, and leave the mother a big fat bill and little in return.
3) You can request a new mediator. In one case a father went into mediation expecting an unbiased mediator only to find the complete opposite. He felt the mediator immediately sided with the mother and even though he had valid concerns about the mother’s alcohol consumption, the mediator refused to acknowledge his concerns. If you feel your mediator is biased or doesn’t appropriately mediate the discussion, you can end the mediation and request a new mediation with another mediator.
4) Be prepared to spend a heap of money. Mediation is the cheapest route to go but if you cannot come to a reasonable agreement with your ex-spouse in mediation or if the accusations of neglect are severe be prepared to have to spend thousands of dollars in legal fees. Judges can assign who pays for these fees. For instance, if the child neglect is severe the judge may rule that the mother have supervised visitation. There is professional (paid) and non-professional (unpaid) supervision. The judge may order the parents to split the cost of professional supervision even if the mother clearly created a need for supervision. Drug and alcohol, psychological, and ability to work evaluations may also be necessary to verify the ex-spouse is mentally capable of caring for her children and able to contribute financially. Be prepared to have to pay for these evaluations.
5) Contact Child Protective Services (CPS) immediately after clear evidence of child neglect or endangerment. In one situation of neglect by a mother, the mother was arrested for DUI and child endangerment after striking three parked cars while driving with her son in the car. The uninjured child was put into his father’s care and the father was advised to contact CPS immediately. CPS is typically contacted by the police at some point but think about this…which father is more concerned with his child’s safety, the father that waits for the police to initiate contact with CPS or the father that calls CPS immediately? In this father’s case, calling CPS immediately was a Godsend. The social worker was able to drop in on the mother the very next day when she wasn’t prepared for a visit and other concerns were raised regarding the mother’s ability to provide a safe and stable environment for her son.
Custody battles can get ugly quick but you must keep your children’s safety the sole priority. Do not fall into a he said/she said soap opera. Document everything and stick to the facts. Fathers can prove they are able to provide the safest environment for their children but don’t forget the children will always need their mother, even if their visits must be supervised.