Dad: Honey, I’m home!
Mom: Hon, I’m sorry I didn’t have time to prepare dinner tonight. Please call for something to eat.
Dad: Ok.
Mom: Thank you hon.
Dad: (Takes out his cell phone, selects and dials a number)
Operator: Hello, thank you for calling Papa Johns. You have just reached our new fully automated and integrated service. How may I help you?
Dad: Cool. Hello, I’d like to order some pizza please.
Operator: Hold on sir while I patch up your Caller ID number, pull up your National ID number and tap into and access all your personal information.
Dad: Sure. But is that really all that necessary?
Operator: I’m afraid so, sir. (Pause)
Operator: Thank you for waiting sir. And am I talking to Mr. Lee? Mr. William Lee? Male? Twice married? One child? 52 years old?
Dad: Right.
Operator: You last called us six months ago. You are currently located at 10439 Main Street. And you are calling from your personal cell phone number right now.
Dad: Correct.
Operator: What can I help you with today sir?
Dad: I’d like to order two juicy thick crust The Works Pizza with everything on it. Double up on the creamy butter dip and the jalapeno please.
Operator: Great sir. Let me put in the order. Opps. I’m afraid the system’s not letting me put in that order sir.
Dad: Huh?
Operator: When I punched the order in sir, a pop up screen told me that your doctor’s orders prohibit you from pigging out on this pizza, especially these late on the day or for dinner sir.
Dad: Huh? So what does your system recommend?
Operator: Let me punch that in. You can try our Most Famous Low Fat, Low Calorie, Low Salt, Thin Crust Grilled Lean, No Skin No Fat Mediterranean Chicken with Mixed Vegetables Pizza. I’m sure you’ll love it.
Dad: Huh? How do you know?
Operator: Your latest activities pop up list mentioned that you just googled about the Mediterranean and fit and sexy bodies, sir. And furthermore you just downloaded the Angry Chicken Game on your smart phone and have been playing it the whole day.
Dad: Ok. So, if you know that much about me, how many and what size do you recommend?
Operator: A large one would suffice for you and your family of three, sir. That would be 79 dollars plus tip for the driver sir.
Dad: Alright, please put in all on my account. And hurry, I’m in no mood to argue. I’m tired and hungry.
Operator: Okay. Opps. I’m afraid we would recommend that you have paper money on your person when you receive your pizza, sir. Your credit card on file is close to its limit and we have red flags on all your other credit card accounts sir.
Dad: Let me check. I don’t have that much on me right now. I’ll just use my debit card then.
Operator: Very well sir. Opps. A new red flag pop-up showed up on your bank record and it is showing an overdrawn notice last month and a bounced check the month before. All your other bank accounts are showing low balances either.
Dad: I see. Okay, I’ll get some from my wife and I’ll have the money ready by the time the pizza arrives. Thirty minutes, right?
Operator: Correct. And it should be free if it’s over that. The time will commence at the end of this phone call.
Dad: Terrific. (whispers) I hope your driver gets a flat or gets lost.
Operator: I’m sorry sir?
Dad: I said, I have a coupon for free pepsi. Can you add that please.
Operator: I was going to give you that for free sir. But when I punched it in, your medical record stated you should refrain from caffeine and recommended not to add it, sir. Sorry about that.
Dad: I see.
Operator: So, is there anything else I can help you with today sir?
Dad: Ok, so no soda. But I’m sure you’ll add the free dessert, correct?
Operator: Of course sir, I would sir. But your lab work reports pop up list recommends cutting your sugar input as you have just been recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic this past week. And this overrides the free offer sir. I did put in a free order of crunchy side salad with low fat dressing for you though. And you’re welcome.
Dad: That’s ridiculous, I don’t want that. Is there anything you don’t know about me and is there nothing I want that I can have and enjoy?
Operator: Sorry sir, please calm down. Our system is recording that you are having an elevated pulse and blood pressure right now. Your medical records state not to be aggravated and to be advised to stay calm at all times. I am pretty sure, this would not be good for your heart.
Dad: What the @#%*! You should *&^%$# @#$%& and *&^%#@! I’m not spending a hundred bucks just for one lousy pizza.
Operator: Sir, there is no reason for that kind of language sir. Especially because your criminal records show that you are on active probation for two other similar abusive reports on your rap sheet. You do not wish to add a third offense and end up in jail, sir.
Dad: (Yells loudly, throws phone on the ground, starts stomping on it and suddenly passes out)
Mom: What happened?
Operator: Hello? I just cancelled your order. Do you wish for me to call 911 now?