Zombies Ate My Neighbors

“Remember what happened last time you tried this? You made it through about a day and a half and then you broke into that convent and slaughtered a dozen people. You didn’t even eat all of them.”

“I thought we agreed that we would never mention that again.”

The two zombies shuffle out of the cemetery gates. Shuffle not because they are zombies necessarily but because they had just spent all of the daytime hours cramped inside coffins six feet under the ground’s surface. You would walk a little stiffly too at first.

The street lamps bath small patches of the sidewalk in artificial light as the two zombies make their way to their next victims.

“This is a nice neighborhood.”

“Yeah, it looks nice, but I hear there’s a lot of crime.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. A lot of punk kids living in the suburbs. They’ve got nothing better to do.”

“That’s a shame. How about this house?”

“It’s yellow.”

“So? I’m not asking if you like the color.”

“Who would paint their house yellow? I can’t get over people who paint their houses yellow.”

“Well, all the more reason to pick this house, right?”

“I’m not going near that house.”

“Then maybe this one suits you better? It’s blue.”

“Wow, yeah it is. It looks just like my grandmother’s house used to.”

“So do you like this house?”

“Yeah, I love it.”

Johann walks up onto the front porch of the blue house.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re going in, right?”

“No.”

“Why aren’t we going into this house? I thought you said you liked it.”

“Yeah, I liked it because it reminds me of my grandmother’s house.”

“And that means we’re not going in why?”

“You can’t just break into a house that looks like your grandma’s.”

“So I’ll break in. She wasn’t my grandma.”

“Dude, we’ll just find another house, alright?”

“Fine. There are lights on upstairs in that house.”

“See, now that house is a better choice.”

“Why? Because it is a color you like and doesn’t remind you of any relatives?”

“Who cares? This is the one.”

“What if I said I hated brick houses?”

The two zombies step up to the front door of the brick house which contained the residents. Max twists the doorknob and sure enough it is locked. But that is just as well they think. They know that once the inhabitants hear the breaking of glass from upstairs they will immediately be thrown into a heightened sense of awareness. Which in turn will fuel the zombie’s hunger. Johann chucks a large stone through the living room window. By the time Johann has finished crawling into the shattered window they can both hear the simultaneous sounds of heavy footsteps coming down the stairs and screaming from the second floor.

“I’ll get the guy coming down. You go get the Missus.”

When the heavy-set man wearing longjohns reaches the living room he sees something he obviously hadn’t expected. His eyes bulge out of their sockets right before Johann rips a chunk of bleeding flesh from his neck.

Max rushes past the fresh corpse and up the stairs until he sees the one and only door that is shut. Max bashes in the door with his shoulder and the Missus turns to run away from him but as she does Max sinks his teeth into the back of her skull, revealing the soft, grey brain beneath.

“I’m stuffed. I think I would puke if I ate one more bite of this guy’s brain.”

“Should we head back then?”

“Let’s check out the upstairs.”

When the zombies make it upstairs they walk into the bedroom of the now deceased couple. While Johann searches for the TV remote, Max takes it upon himself to dig through drawers.

“The controller has got to be here somewhere.”

“You could just turn it on from the TV itself.”

“Yeah, but then I would have to stand there until I found something good, wouldn’t I?”

“Check under the pillow.”

“Who leaves the remote under their pillow?”

“Just check.”

“I hope there are cartoons on this late at night. Whoa — “

“What?”

“Dude, what are you doing?”

“Nothing. These are really silky panties.”

Max moves on to the closet. He swings open the wooden doors as Johann continues to channel surf. When he looks inside he laughs a bit.

“Somebody digs flannel.”

“Come on. I know cartoons have to be on somewhere.”

“This is sorta nice.”

“Isn’t there a cartoon station that plays cartoons all the time?”

“It might fit.”

“Stop talking to yourself.”

“This is going to be hilarious.”

“What is?”

Johann shifts his vision and sees Max struggling to put on a bright blue dress.

“What the hell are you doing now?”

“Just give me a second.”

“No, it’s not funny at all. It’s just strange.”

“You don’t find anything funny whatsoever about me wearing a dress?”

“No.”

“You can just sit there looking at a zombie in a sparkly dress and honestly say you don’t want to laugh?”

“Am I laughing?”

“But it’s so damn funny. A zombie in a dress. It’s almost as if I’m ‘dressed to kill.’ Only I’m a rotting corpse.”

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“I don’t know.”

“Put it away.”

“Yeah, OK.”

Max slips off his dress and throws it into the corner of the closet, but as he does Johann sees something hidden among the clothes.

“Oh, heck yes!”

“What is it?”

“It’s a Ouija board, idiot.”

“Oh, cool — I’m hungry.”

“I know, but there’s no more left.”

“No, I think I might just want some of those Pop-Tarts I saw downstairs in the kitchen.”

“Do you realize how hard it is to find one of these anymore?”

“Man, I used to see those in the bargain bins at Salvation Army stores all the time.”

Once in the kitchen, Max opens up the box of Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts sitting on the counter. Johann busies himself setting up the Ouija board on the kitchen table.

“So, what are we gonna ask it?”

“I don’t know. Does it matter?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey look, there’s sample questions on the back of the box.”

“How about — Is there an afterlife?”

“We know that answer, don’t we?”

“Well, we need to ask something.”

“Here’s one from the box — Will I ever be tall enough to slam dunk?”

“That’s not a good question.”

“Here’s another — Does Tommy really love me?”

“Dude, stop. I think I remember something about how you’re not supposed to ask stupid questions.”

“Will I get an A on my History test?”

“Seriously, I think you should stop.”

“What came first, the chicken or the egg?”

“Did you hear that?”

“How much change do I have in my pocket?”

“I’m getting freaked out, man.”

“About what?”

At this moment a loud crash comes from the next room. Both zombies stand straight up, look in the direction of the noise, and begin backing away. Then the zombies hear rapid footsteps thudding down the stairs. When the footsteps reach the last step immediately the footsteps begin running down the steps from the top again.

“About that!”

“What the heck is that?”

“Let’s just get outta here!”


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