Women deal with a lot of problems and men better be aware. Here are some things that women do not want to hear from their husbands. Most of us, anyway. Hope this gives you a laugh. Enjoy.
Are you wearing that?
Yes, I am wearing that. Why would I be wearing it one second before we are to walk out of the door, if I wasn’t? Since you dared to ask me that stupid question, I will immediately proceed to the nearest shopping mall and find another suitable outfit. I will meet you later. You will regret that question. Trust me! When you get your next credit card statement, do not say a word.
I thought you did that!
That is your answer for anything that you were supposed to do, but forgot to. No, I did not do that. You know that you were supposed to do it. Acting like it was my fault that it did not get done does not fix it. It only makes me angry. And, no, it still is not done! I am waiting for you to do it.
That outfit makes you look fat.
This is my body. You married me. I had it then and I have it now. You are no small fry yourself, buddy. All of your clothes make you look fat, by the way. I just would never be tactless enough to say it. However, you made me. All of my clothes are the same size and you can just buy me a year membership at the local gym, if my size bugs you that much. You will be going with me.
Do you have to take an hour just to get ready?
No. I could come out with no make up, my hair not fixed and have you ask me to fix myself up. I am just saving you the trouble. If you want to see an unshaven woman, go to another country. Meanwhile, I will take the time to present myself in a manner of which you do not deserve.
Are you going to eat that?
No. I am not. I was going to, but since I see your tongue hanging out, drool and begging eyes, I will give it to you. Like I always do. You are not worthy.
More wine?
Well, since my glass is empty, yes, I bet I would like some more. That should be obvious. Especially, if you had to ask that question. I see your glass is full.
Women can’t drive.
Since I have driven you around for twenty years without one single accident, I would bet that we can. I would also point your attention to the times that this woman drove, when you were smashed, scared of the snow and afraid of ten lane traffic. Just saying.
How could you let us run out of coffee?
Gee. I have no idea. Since I just drink a few cups a week and you drink gallons a day, I can’t imagine. I must be the worst wife in the world. Just shoot me.
Do I have any clean underwear?
Well, I know you did yesterday. The answer depends on how many pairs you go through in one day. I am not even going there.
Do you have my car keys?
Since I have my own car and do not drive yours, no, I don’t. And, you already knew the answer to that question, before you asked. The next question is if I have found your car keys. I begin a search of your dirty jeans, in which I will find them in the pocket. You could have done this, but I do not say a word.
Have you seen my?
Yes! I am often seen with your power saw, your tire tool, your hammer and your tool box. I live to hide them all from you. You have caught me. I put your whatchamacallit by your whatisthis. Have fun!
Do we have to go?
Yes. We have to. It is not like I want to go, either. I am not your mama. I should not have to drag you to see yours.
Look what your son did!
I know. I got pregnant all by myself and he has none of your genes. He is all me. Until he does something good, in which he will become your son again. Go figure.
Could you drive any slower?
Well, I could, but then that police car might be able to pass us.
I am horny.
Zap. I have turned you into a horny toad. Now, you will have no trouble finding mates.
I wish you could cook like my mama.
I have tasted your mama’s cooking and it ain’t that great. You just do not know any better.
Are you trying to kill me?
This could be said in the car, about your new recipe or about most anything. The answer is no. If I were trying to kill you, you would be dead. Be assured.
Did you remember to send my mama a birthday card?
Yes. Who do you think has been doing it for all of these years?
You look better naked than in clothes.
This fact is obvious. It does not need stating. Unfortunately, we all need to wear clothes once in a while. Deal with it.
I never know what to get you.
Let’s see. We have been married for twenty years. If you don’t know by now, you will never know. A gift card will be just fine.
Why can’t you look like that?
Because she is not married to you. Why can’t you look like him? And by the way, you would never let me walk out of the house dressed like that. That is why.
What?
You know what.