Sapphire Samurai’s Ten Commandments of Cats

I’ve come up with these commandments based on my advanced years and skilled training of humans. At seventeen, I think I know a thing or two about how cats should be treated.

1) Let Sleeping Cats Lie. If we’re asleep, no matter how cute we look, we don’t want picked up, cuddled, petted or otherwise annoyed. The only times you can break this rule are when you are offering a special treat (like butter) or there is an emergency that requires immediate evacuation of the room I’m in. 2) Feed Me Now. I don’t want fed when *you* think it’s time. I want fed when *I* think it’s time. For instance, right now would be ideal. What — just because you’re typing my story does not mean you shouldn’t drop what you’re doing and cater to this demand. 3) Dignity, Thy Name Is Cat. I don’t care if your pastor is watching. If it’s time to clean certain delicate but important areas of my body, I will do it right in front of him. In fact, I might even make an issue of it and do it facing him. Calling me undignified is not right. I am always dignified. 4) You Eat Salad, I Eat Grass. So what if I hurk the grass up on your favorite, freshly shampooed rug? If I feel like eating grass, it’s no different than you eating salad. The fact that salad doesn’t cause you to hurk has nothing to do with it. 5) Thou Shalt Not Abandon Me. I don’t like it when either of my humans is gone. It’s even worse if both are gone at the same time. Even though you make arrangements, you are necessary to my health and wellbeing. 6) Cats Do Not Need Metalmonsters. If you think about it, the only places a cat would go in one of those monsters is somewhere he or she would rather avoid. A prime example is TED. The Evil Doctor does things to me that I do not approve of. 7) No TEDs! Speaking of TEDs, we should not have to go to that torture chamber. I don’t care if it’s in what you call my best interests. I don’t like shots, having my temperature taken nor do I care for the blood pressuremonster. 8) Turn The Rain Off Already. You keep the weather inside the house nice, why can’t you do it in the Out? A nice, comfortable seventy degrees with a slight breeze is perfect. 9) I Decide When I’ve Been Petted Enough. You may not stop too soon, nor pet too long. Disobeying either could cause me to bite you. 10) Cold Weather Means Warm Laps. When it’s cold, one of you should be seated at all times to provide said warmth. I don’t care if you have to go to the bathroom or make dinner. Keeping me warm is more important.

See how easy it would be to follow these simple rules? Your life will be a lot simpler and your cat will be much happier.


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