Stop here every day for a new question and answer, practical help for busy parents.
Question
I recently got married again. My husband has a 14-year-old daughter, and my son is 17 years old. Before we got married we knew they were dating, so we told them to break up. But they don’t listen. We even caught them having sex several times. Besides the obvious age difference, she is also his stepsister. He doesn’t understand that he can’t date her because of that. He keeps telling me how they have been together for four years, while I only have been together with my husband for a year. They even said they wanted to get married. She’s his stepsister! How do I break them up?
Answer
I sense that you really want to blast your son for this. But if you want to find out who’s to blame, look in the mirror. You knew your son was in a relationship with this girl years before you got involved with her father.
Yes, the age difference is a problem. Unfortunately, you didn’t deal with it four years ago, when the problem would have been far easier to handle. Because of that failure to act, I suspect you never really had much issue with the age difference.
Let’s look at a few facts:
Your son and your husband’s daughter are not related. As such, they can legally marry if they wish. You simply instructed your son to end a long-term relationship because you wanted to marry his girlfriend’s father. How did you expect him to react? The fact that you didn’t make an issue of the age difference – or the fact that the two kids were having sex – until you got married cost you just about all of the moral authority you once possessed. Of course, the two of you as parents do have the right to restrict the kids’ relationship. But to your son and your stepdaughter, you and your husband look like bullies. Given that all of you are living in the same house, it will require literally all of your spare time to keep the two kids apart. You can start implementing draconian punishments, and if you get tough enough, you might be able to delay the inevitable. But right now, your son and stepdaughter are united with a common goal, and a common enemy. This situation is impossible to fix entirely. You should have put a stop to the relationship four years ago, but you can’t put this genie back in the bottle. Now the two kids have had four years to cement a relationship and even consider marriage, so you will have a very, very difficult time ending it now. And by marrying the girl’s father and peremptorily demanding an end to the kids’ relationship, you exacerbated the problem.
Normally I would suggest that parents get tough on the punishments. But in this case, you truly have no leg to support you. So instead, split the difference. Don’t try to end the relationship. You probably can’t, and if you try, both you and your husband may permanently damage your relationships with your children. Perhaps you could send your son to live with his father. But knowing nothing about the father, I acknowledge that this could create a bunch of new problems. And it doesn’t change the fact that your son may very well never speak to you again.
Instead, set some new parameters in your home.
Acknowledge that the children have a right to be involved (because legally, they do), and that you support their desire to get married later. However, you and your husband must set some ground rules. Your house, your rules.
No physical contact in the home. No sex. Set limits on conduct.
And for the sake of the relationships of all four people in the house, I think your family must get a lot closer. Eat together. Play together. Travel together. Work together. Try to craft the model family and rebuild the bridges between parents and children. And if along the way your proximity limits the opportunities for inappropriate conduct between the kids, so much the better.
–
If you’d like to submit an Ask The Dad question, send it to [email protected] . If you’d like to read more questions and answers, visit www.askthedad.com .