Job Hunting

Job hunting has never been fun or easy. Even in the best of times, when in what’s called an employee’s market, it can be a challenge. Now it’s an employer’s market and to a job seeker, it’s like a Hieronymus Bosch painting.

Everyone I know is combing the want ads, the internet, and networking. Networking seems to be a great idea until you realize that everyone you know is (a) unemployed too, (b) working at the bottom rung of a company and has no influence whatsoever, or (c) has a secure job and no longer remembers your name even if he is your brother-in-law.

As near as I can figure, employers want someone who is 27 years old, has 35 years experience and at least a 4 year degree (preferably a graduate degree) in the one-year-old technology just installed in their business. They prefer someone who will work a 30-hour week at sub-minimum wages with the proviso that they be on call to put in 65 hours a week at the 30 hour “salary”, with no sick time, personal time or insurance. They prefer someone who has no family or children that might provide a distraction to the employees’ focus on their job. They also would prefer that you not date or have any type of personal life. Employers are looking for someone who is physically fit and mentally alert, but not smarter or better looking than they are.

Employers are seeking people who will be absolutely devoted and loyal. At the same time, preference is given to applicants who are currently employed. Apparently the way to find employees who will give 100% to a company is to hire someone who will skip out on their current employer. If this doesn’t give you a brain cramp, nothing will. Someday when I reach enlightenment, I hope to understand this.

In my humble opinion, the most difficult thing about job hunting is the silence. After you submit an application and resume, there is silence. Lots and lots of silence. If you call the people you’ve listed as references, you’ll learn that no one has been contacted. If you call to see what progress there is regarding your application, you might get an answer like (a) the job is no longer being offered, (b) the job has been filled by a more qualified applicant, (c) company policy prohibits giving out that information, but mostly you’ll leave a message and get silence. Even after first and second interviews, you’ll hear only silence. I understand that HR departments are overwhelmed with applicants and that contacting unsuccessful applicants is not cost or time effective. I get it. I do. But being ignored is disheartening at best and psychologically damaging at worst.

Unless I feel that my blood pressure is exceptionally low, I avoid reading the job seekers advice columns. I have to wonder what planet these folks are from. No matter what question a reader has submitted, the advice is that the reader obviously did something wrong on their resume, in the interview, or on the job so of course they’re unemployed. I always wonder whose side these advice givers are on. They will frequently contradict themselves in the same column with advice like “don’t take just any job to keep body and soul together-you have to keep your professional goals in mind, but don’t be unemployed for more than a month.” Okay then. Thanks for the valuable advice. How much are the columnists being paid? Could they get a job with their own advice? I can give lame opinions too. Can I have their job?

Inevitably, the advice columnists recommend networking and researching the company offering the job. This is great advice, except that many online postings are blind ads like this gem from Craigslist:

general office duties Location: City Name, State Compensation: TBD This is a part-time job. Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job!

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
How do you research or network that?

If you are job hunting these days, you know that what an employer advertises as a position will frequently have very little relation to the actual job itself. Since I’ve been at this a while, I thought I’d give you the benefit of my hard-earned wisdom with:

HANDY-DANDY-TIPS-ON-HOW-TO-TRANSLATE-A-HELP-WANTED-AD

Flexible hours:
This refers to the employer’s hours, not yours. As a new hire, you might be needed from 7 a.m. until 9 a.m., from noon until 4 p.m., from 8 p.m. until 10 p.m., and 1 a.m. until 3 a.m., including weekends. If you even think about thinking of overtime, you will be fired.

Experienced:
If you haven’t done this job before don’t apply. EXACTLY THIS JOB. But don’t apply if you’ve worked here before. There has to be some reason you were let go and it was probably your own fault.

Team player:
You will be one among many doing this job. This makes you easily replaceable. Don’t forget that.

Self-starter:
You’d better be able to figure out what you’re supposed to do because no one will tell you until you’ve done it wrong. Once you’ve done it wrong, EVERYBODY will tell you about it. They just won’t tell you how to do it right.

Own transportation:
That’s self explanatory. But they also might mean that you will use your personal vehicle and off-the-clock time to run personal errands for anyone in management. (see team player)

Proficient with office systems:
It is rare (actually, finding a live dinosaur colony in your backyard would be less rare) to find anything more specific in an ad. This is because the person writing the ad has no idea what sort of hardware and software is used and probably wrote it out long hand on parchment with a quill pen. You may find that the computer is an old Kaypro, or that they’ve just bought all the stuff from shut down NASA facilities at an auction, or they got a great deal on the Screwball 9000 running the WTF operating system, and your job will be to make it work with their cash register and website.

Equal Opportunity Employer or EOE:
They don’t care what your race or creed is, or how old you are so long as you don’t look different, act different, and agree enthusiastically with everything they say and do. Individuality is not encouraged. Advanced degrees are desirable, but given no consideration when it comes to pay scale. You and your double Master’s degree will be earning the same as the acne-encrusted high school dropout who is your supervisor.

Unlimited earning potential:
This phrase is seen mostly in ads for commission-only sales jobs. It means you can work yourself to death and starve to death at the same time.

Customer service opportunity:
Your job will be to answer the phone and let customers yell at you for (a) the length of time they’ve been on hold (b) the billing error that is still on their bill after 18 months (c) service cancellation even though they are still being billed (d) the weather (e) their mother-in-law (f) all of the above (g) anything else they can think of. Your responsibility is to be sweetness and light. Unless you’ve been nominated for sainthood, prescription drugs are helpful. See your doctor.

Some lifting required:
This means you need a Y chromosome to apply for this job. Possible exceptions are: Olympic weight lifters and steroid users.

Pay rate DOE or Compensation TBD:
DOE stands for Depending On Experience. TBD stands for To Be Determined. You will either have too much experience and it will be assumed that you won’t be happy and will want to move up, thus scaring the stuffing out of the management team who has less experience than you. If you have too little experience you don’t know enough to do the job. It doesn’t matter. If you have just the right amount of experience and get hired, you’ll be starting at the bottom of the pay scale.

Now that you’ve fortified yourself with these pearls of wisdom, go out and find your perfect job. And let me know if they are hiring. Happy hunting.


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