How to Deal with Back to School Nervous Feelings; And How Teenagers Resist

As I was surfing the Internet for tasteful pictures of beautiful beaches where bikini-clad supermodels had by chance wandered in front of the camera during the taking of the photograph (by mistake, no doubt) and lamenting the portion of the landscape their curvy, tan bodies were obscuring, I accidentally came upon the Associated Content main page. The featured article, (beside several recipes for summer drinks whose names were no doubt taken straight from a Lord of the Rings novel) was “How to Deal with Back to School Nervous Feelings: 11 Tips to Stop Back to School Nervous Feelings.” Being frustrated with the distracting models ruining so many perfect landscape pictures, I clicked on the article and read it. I was immediately shocked. This article, while claiming to be helpful and insightful, was in fact as insightful as a pet rock during a swim meet. Sure, these tips may work with elementary and middle school students, but it applied in no way to teenagers or reincarnated lamas. As the former makes up the majority of high school students, I set about to explain how each of the tips did not apply to teenagers. My findings, I have published here for all of you to read:

1. Talk to Your Child

One word: teenagers. They are difficult to talk to, assuming they are not shut up in their room or away at a friend’s house. Once you finally do manage to corner them, and talk to them about anything, their muttered responses will range from, “Oh, yeah, school (indiscernible muttering)” to just plain old “(indiscernible muttering.)” Chances are, trying to pursue any conversation beyond “Are you excited for school?” “Yeah.” “Are your friends in your classes?” “I don’t know.” “Do you have any teachers you like?” “I don’t know.” will drive you insane in the process. So we can chalk that one off.

2. Distraction

While distraction is fine for elementary, and even middle school, chances are if you distract your high school student long enough, you’ll find them up at 3 A.M. taking shots of Red Bull and Ben & Jerry’s, trying desperately to finish, no, start their summer reading list.

3. Wear Your Child Out Before Bed Time

Impossible. Teenagers never sleep. That’s a known fact, look it up. Also, this skill will not be useful very useful during the school year, as doubtless they will have to stay up until at least 10 o’clock doing homework (assuming they have no social life or extracurricular activities.) Not to mention they might, with such a rigorous internal clock, they will end up passing out into the punch bowl at the Homecoming Dance, or else leaving at seven.

4. Go Clothes Shopping

Well, how much of a disaster this will end up as depends on if your teen is a male or a female. And that’s like saying it depends on if they’re a Hiroshima or a Nagasaki. Allowing, never mind encouraging a teenage girl to go shopping will drive you past the late hours of the mall (“Just one more store, please! And then one more after that, and one more…” etc.) and into the red. If you plan to get any shopping done on schedule and on budget, forget it. Your other option, letting them go shopping alone isn’t much better. Kind of like deciding on death by cyanide or asphyxiation.

As for teenage boys, the chance of dragging them out of the house to the Tanger Outlets, or even your local Staples is exactly that of getting your teenage girl to leave the same store: zero. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don’t believe in euphemisms. I just call them like they are.

5. Reward at the End of the First Day

This can be interpreted as condescending, patronizing, coddling, over-parenting, entitling or inadequate depending on the aberration-I mean teenager. Don’t bother opening up dictionary.com six times, I can assure you none of the above are good things. None.

6. Hang Out or Play Date with Child’s Friends

This one I take personal offense at, so much that I paused the Metallica song I as carving messages in my skin to to take personal offense. If a teenager has friends at all, they will be hanging out with said hooligan friends at the time you are reading this article, and there is no need to arrange such a thing. If they are not hanging out with their friends, chances are they don’t have any. No need for denial, just let it all out. It’s fine, I understand. The article goes on to claim, “Most children are social and will want to hang out with their friends during the summer.” Aha, most children. A confession. So what about your anti-social, isolationist, escapist teenagers? What to do with them? Nothing. From experience, there is nothing to do with one of them. Arranged social interaction will only make them burrow deeper, like a tick you are trying to dig from your flesh. And, please, never use the phrase “play date” around a teenager, or you are guaranteed to not see them again for five to seven days. Seriously.

7. Have All of the Proper School Supplies

I was sure this was a given, but as it was in the original article, the laws of parody and spoof require me to disprove it. Teens don’t have… school supply lists per se. In fact, in high school, many times each individual teacher will tell you personally what you require for their class, and give you an either generous or strict ultimatum for when to have them. There is no middle ground. Done.

8. Rehearse

Say “Let’s rehearse next week!” to any teenager will guarantee at least a weird look and uncomfortable body language, with backing away and questioning your mental health being optional.

9. Pack Ahead of Time

If a teenager is not doing that themselves by now, I’m afraid there’s no hope for them. The kind of teenager who does not pack their own backpack in anticipation of going to school is not a functioning student. You can only pray they will learn from their mistakes in high school and wise up in time for college (Hint: they won’t.)

10. Emergency Contact Numbers

While this is a good suggestion, and I in no way discourage it (in fact, I discourage none of these, as this is a sarcastic spoof, if you haven’t noticed) I would like to point out some flaws. Firstly, if your teenager is not self-reliant enough to resist calling you while at school during lunch to make sure you’re still going to be home when they get back, they’re not ready for school, and nothing on God’s green Earth can make them ready. Second, most schools will discourage this, as well as any non-emergency (mortal wound, yellow fever, paper cut, etc.) texting/calling during school hours. Some will go as far as to shut down cell phone service on campus, as mine has. Third, if your teenager does not know your cell/work number, please see my first flaw in this. The same applies to them. Lastly, emergency numbers are by no means at or even near the top of anxieties the average teenager will have about high school, believe me.

11. Meet the Teachers Before School Starts

While very helpful, it may be difficult to get your teenager to do this, due to a ranger of factors including apprehension, shyness and desire to spend the remainder of their summer with family and friends (mostly the latter.) However, never fear, after some intelligent speculation and questionable testing, I have come to a conclusion on how to get your teenager to attend such a before-school meeting. The following describes exactly that.

First, lure your teenager into a cage or doggy crate. Metal containers are preferable. Use a Justin Bieber CD for females, a Playboy for males. Quickly shut and latch the door, while giving them a bag of chips or other snacks to ease their nerves on the ride to school.

Next, attach the container with your teen in it to a van or SUV (smaller cars can’t take the strain) with industrial-strength iron chains. No other type will do. Drive slowly and carefully to the school. Avoid being rear-ended.

Lastly, have a team of armed guards á la Jurassic Park escort the cage to the teacher’s room, and latch it down with the industrial-strength chains previously mentioned. Result: safe, stress-fee meeting! A word of warning, however: this will probably not help prepare the teen for the teacher or even vice versa. In the teen’s mind, like a dog going to the vet, the trip to school will become associated with pain and discomfort. The armed guards and industrial-strength chains probably won’t make the teacher think very highly of the student, either. Because of this, most parents find it more beneficial to avoid such a meeting altogether, thus making the teen, and their apprehensions, “the school’s problem.”

In all seriousness, I believe Josh’s guide was well-written and helpful. No offense to Mr. Tuliano, if he is in fact reading this, all is in jest. My final word to you is that your teenager will most likely be familiar with the experience, having done the whole “back to school” thing eight times. Any anxiety they have will likely be abated within a few days, as they become comfortable with their surroundings and discover high school is a place full of caring, experienced adults who want to help you and make your education as stress-free and smooth as possible, not a glorified hell hole which chews kids up and spits them out with hollow eyes and severe PTSD. If nothing else works, check your totem and spin a top. Good luck!


People also view

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *