How do you move on from the loss of a love in the form of death? This is a question that I often find myself pondering about. Recently, I dealt with this heart wrenching discovery in my own life. I’ve had people who have meant the world to me pass away before, but there is difference when you lose a lover or significant other from anyone else. It is one of the most unbearable and devastating feeling in this world.
What I quickly came to realize is that there are many other young women of all races are going through this same grief. The question that I’ve been asked and have asked is,” How do you go on?” Some days the very thought of getting up and not hearing that special someones voice, feels like your heart has been ripped out of your body and no one can understand your pain. In February of this year I lost the love my life. Despite our issues, I knew he loved me and I loved him. Distance and years couldn’t stop our love. Sometimes it’s the little things that would just make the tears flow and you can’t stop them no matter how you try. I have quite a few of my friends that have gone or are facing this same situation and the common thing that many of them have said is that there’s no amount of words that are able to fill this void. The void of looking at them in their eyes, their touch or just hearing a simple “I love you”. Those are all now just cherished memories.
The unexpected death of my late fiance David (Terry) in February, basically took me on an emotional rollercoaster. I remember when I woke up the next morning after receiving the news; I thought” this has got to be a dream”. As reality kicked in, I wanted to run, hide, yell, and scream!! I kept saying “God,please, please just bring him back”. I spoke to him two weeks prior to his passing via email and didn’t speak to him again. All I could think about was the very last time that I saw him, which was in 2008. At that time we were on the verge of planning our life together. He lived in Trinidad and I lived here in New York. And as time passed, things happened. There were times when we drifted apart and times when we reunited. No matter what happened, I loved him and he loved me like no other. Our love lasted for 12 years. I recall seeing him in the casket looking so peaceful and serene and I thought “my God, please wake him up so I can tell him one last time and I can hear him tell me one last time that we loved each other”.That never happened. I returned home from the funeral and I felt as thou i was truly alone. Yes, my kids, family and friends were there but they weren’t Terry. I wanted him here with me.
When you’re in a low place in your life, especially if you’re a believer in Christ, you start to question him. The bible says” For I know your thought of good and evil” and I began to question God. I started getting angry at myself, at everyone around me. So I turned to alcohol to numb my soul. The thing about that is that when the devil sees you at your lowest he begins to play on your mind and make you doubt yourself but more importantly doubt God. One day I had a dream and Terry was in it. I tried to talk to him but he couldn’t hear me. I tried to touch him, but he moved away. At that moment I woke up and began to cry. I mean uncontrollably and I asked God to heal my heart. Give me a peace about the whole situation. And he has. I know that no one can replace the love that Terry and I shared over the years but God. In his timing, a pure and refreshing love will come.
Each day is a challenge. Some better than others but I know time heals all wounds and my heart is beginning to heal. Each day I encourage myself by remembering that the Lord will be there even when you don’t deserve it. Love, joy and pain. These are attributes that make a woman who she is. Recently, I heard a song by one of my favorite singer name Ledisi. The words simply say” When you look at my face, you gotta know that I’m made of everything love and pain. These are the pieces of me. Like every woman I know, I’m complicated fo sho, but when I love I love til there’s no mo. These are the pieces of me.” I started to cry. And I remembered that I’m a delicate flower and so many other women all around the world are. I’m made up of different colors but the love I have in me is genuine and true.
So to all my sisters’ cherish the love that was left to you. Never compare it to another. In time God will send you that everlasting love.
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