“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.” Just running out of breath vocalizing every word in that title is enough to give some guys the willies. Your girlfriend — or maybe even your wife, if you live in Appalachia or Salt Lake City — wants to see how things will turn out for poor Kristen Stewart. Will she smile? Frown? Show any emotion whatever as she chooses between Team Edward and Team the Other Guy? If you have come into this relationship sometime between the last “Twilight” movie and the upcoming opening salvo in the conclusion and your sweetie demands you get up to date, here is what to do: lie.
Lie like you never have before. Tell her you’ve seen all the “Twilight Saga,” from that first indication that these vampires twinkle to the last indication that Kristen Stewart may be giving birth to some kind of Big Bad who, alas, isn’t so big or bad. But before you lie …
You watch the entirety of the “Twilight Saga.” Crazy? Crazy like an otter! Build that indestructible dam that only allows the love you want to trickle through like a sieve. Yes, it is possible for you to catch up on the entire “Twilight Saga,” guys, and enjoy it to boot. Not much can be done about having to be dragged along to the multiplex for enforced torture, but until that dreaded moment arrives, you can laugh your butt off and not just because of the insipid dialogue and less than emotive actors at the center of “Romeo and Juliet Meet the Wolfman.”
Rifftrax, baby! Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about. Rifftrax is run by many of the same guys at work in “Mystery Science Theater” who skewered movies that, while not necessarily worse than “Twilight,” certainly operated on a significantly less robust budget. Between Mike Nelson and the gang at Rifftrax, you may even find yourself looking forward to the next installment of the “Saga.” Each successive effort by those placed in charge of making Stephenie Meyers palatable even to those without a delicate digestive system is made all the more enjoyable courtesy of the running commentary from the Rifftrax gang.
Place your trust in Rifftrax. You will get over having to pay big money to watch “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.” You might even want to feign illness — long-term, along the lines of a broken leg — and then suggest ever so politely that you two wait until it appears on DVD. How you manage to slip in the Rifftrax version without her realizing is entirely left to your heightened sense of creativity.
For more articles by Timothy Sexton, check out:
Rifftrax Makes Blockbuster Dramas Funny, Jack!
Michael J. Nelson Returns to Riffing
Enjoying the Star Wars Holiday Special with Rifftrax
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