The most commonly accepted psychological theory says the opposite, that familiarity breeds liking, but there is at least some truth to the contempt option, and especially when it comes to marriage or other long-term relationships. I have noticed something in intimate relationships, which does not seem to be present in friendly or working relationships. That something is the seeming inability to control negativity towards one’s partner.
In general, people usually control their negative reactions in public, in the workplace or even with friends. But, for some reason, their partners, especially after longer relationships, become fair game for what is essentially petty sniping. The longer a relationship goes on, the more we become pros at reading the wrong thing into our partner’s actions or words and then using it to start an argument. The question here is why? Why is it that long-term relationship familiarity manifests itself in such a negative way? Things we would never say to our colleagues, random people or even our friends, we spout off to our partner whenever we feel like it.
Unfortunately, this type of negativity, if allowed to go on, is certainly the reason many long relationships eventually end. It is a part of taking one another for granted. By taking offense or getting upset at something that would be innocuous if said by anyone else, you are essentially telling your partner that you take them and their reactions for granted. An argument may result, but deep down you know and believe that it won’t matter because they will stay with you. However, in the business or friend world, you might lose your job or your friend as a result of that argument over nothing. They may believe that you are a person with thin skin who can’t control their temper. Again, the question becomes why? Why do we believe that it is okay to treat our long-term partners this way when we would not treat our friends or associates like that?
There is a certain disconnect in this way of thinking, or not thinking, as it were. I say this because I believe that people are truly not thinking about what they say when they decide to make a nit-picky or sarcastic remark at their partner. So, the next time you feel that rise of anger at something your partner has just said, stop and think about it. Ask yourself a few questions. Would you take offense at the statement if it was uttered by anyone else? The reaction you are about to have, would it be the same if you were in public or if this person were someone else? If the answer to both questions is no, then you need to take a deep breath and forget about it. Instead, say something nice or change the subject.
Petty fights kill relationships and furthermore, the logic behind them is faulty.