As I was sitting in my car waiting for my children to get out of school, my mind wandered to the experience of having relapsed dysgerminoma and chemotherapy treatment to cure it. October and November are difficult months for me with October being the anniversary of my diagnosis and November being the anniversary of my relapse. Looking at my teal colored fingernails, colored that way for ovarian cancer awareness month, I realized there were some positive points that came out of chemotherapy treatment.
The first and most obvious benefit is I am alive to write these words. The chemotherapy saved my life yet spared enough of me to be able to have two beautiful children. More of my life has been lived after cancer than before. Obviously for anyone diagnosed with cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery to cure or delay the disease is the best reason and effect of undergoing the treatment but there are smaller benefits as well.
Many comments were made about my hair when I went through chemotherapy. At fifteen years old, I learned hair is just hair when it fell out. A year before my relapse, I prayed for the money to be able to dye my dark roots blonde. Within two weeks of my first treatments, I had two small hairs that waved in the wind even when I held my head still and that was it. The relapse taught me how trivial hair is. In addition to this, I saved a lot of money in shampoo, conditioner, and hair dye.
I know my vomit like no one’s business. My mom said I had a lot of nausea from birth through discovery of the first dysgerminoma. I had periods of vomiting off and on regularly before the relapse was found. Following chemotherapy I had vomiting because of morning sickness in two pregnancies, vomiting on trips due to motion sickness, vomiting from pain due to a mastectomy, vomiting from acquiring every single flu that came around (it seems) and the list goes on. I am such a champion vomit master that I can time when it will happen down to within two minutes. This type of ability is handy for long car rides when motion sickness sets in.
Another benefit of having undergone cancer treatment and chemotherapy is the constant awareness of life not being something you can take for granted. It is difficult to be full of pride when you are humbled by losing hair, dropping (or gaining through steroids) a lot of weight, and looking/being very ill. Having had chemotherapy and cancer forced me to look at life day to day-something a lot of people miss out on.
Being diagnosed with cancer and undergoing treatment gives you an immediate master’s degree in “the school of hard knocks”. In my opinion, the only doctorate in that school belongs to those who lose a child. I I call it an MSE-master’s in stinky experiences.
My therapist once used a Charles Swindoll quote I have tried to live by. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. There is always a rainbow there–it just takes time to find it on dark occasions.