COMMENTARY | I’m an atheist. It’s been my experience that this fact drives Christians absolutely out of their minds. They frequently think their beliefs give them permission to say anything they want to me. Here are some of the bizarre, insulting, or silly things they’ve said.
I thought you were too nice to be an atheist!
Thanks. I thought you were too nice to shovel your mythology at me.
You can’t prove there’s no God.
True. I don’t have to. If you claim there is a God it’s your job to prove it. As an analogy if I claimed Superman existed it would be my job to prove it, and you would be totally justified in thinking I was delusional. Get up, up and away from me.
Why do you hate God?
I don’t. Saying I hate God would be like saying I hate Flargle-Dargle, Grand Emperor from planet Zinky-Pinky. I don’t think about mythical figures enough to hate them.
The existence of the universe proves the existence of God.
No, it proves the existence of the universe.
Aren’t you afraid of going to heck?
No. I have a fire extinguisher and asbestos long johns. Seriously, why should I worry about an imaginary fire in an imaginary afterlife?
I hate you! You will burn in eternal fire!
I see that religion of love and turning the other cheek is working out well for you.
Have you heard the good news about Jesus?
No, I don’t watch FOX.
The Bible is the greatest moral work ever!
The Bible advocates murder, slavery, torture, rape, burning cities, and genocide. Good thing prison inmates find religion – reading that is sure to reform them.
Without God people would do horrible things!
Did you see those reports about atheist suicide bombers and the atheist inquisition torturing people? Me neither. It takes a deity to inspire that stuff.
Atheism is a religion.
Also, black is white, day is night, and up is down. No. Atheism is the absence of religion.
What if you’re wrong?
What if there really is a Santa Claus?
This is just a small sample of the things Christians throw at me. They provide a wealth of material to satirize. Thanks for the inspiration, folks. Let me have my beliefs and I’ll return the favor.