Last time, I noted that the “till death us do part” is not the entire vow given during the wedding ceremony. The way to get to the goal of a lifelong relationship known as marriage is to keep all the vows that were given in the presence of God and keeping them in the presence of God during the entire marital relationship.
While we are still focusing upon the marital relationship on the physical plane, the ceremony constantly points to the spiritual, which we will explore in the next part.
For now, let’s look briefly at these vows, focusing upon the bride and the groom. While vows differ widely, and it is common these days to write your own, I’m going to present these traditional vows as written by David Padfield in “Wedding Sermon, Ceremony And Vows”, which is a pretty typical example of a traditional wedding sermon.
The groom gives his part of the vows first and then the bride. Then, the exchange of the rings, the groom gives the second part of his vows, followed by the bride. This is reflective of the man usually is the pursuing party in the relationship. Just as importantly, by the groom giving the vow first, this adds security and comfort for the bride before giving hers.
Love
Think about how the other person shows their love. Do they willingly show affection? Do they call you during a break just to see how you are doing? Do they kiss you goodbye without being asked? Do they greet you cheerfully when you get home? Or, do they seek you out to see how you are as soon as they get home? Do they pay attention to you? Do they eagerly share their day with you?
And how do you show love to them? Do you do these things? Do you look forward to your workday being ended so you can see the other? Do you remember things about them? Show you care?
There is something interesting, though. Everyone needs love and respect, right? However, the ratios of love and respect are almost invariably split along gender lines.
“33 Nevertheless let each one of you [men] in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
~ Ep 5:33 (NKJV used unless otherwise specified)
Respect
What of respect? Women usually have a difficult time understanding this, but if a man is given a choice between love and respect, almost all will choose respect. Conversely, a woman will usually choose love, which can be difficult for men to understand. Love and Respect Ministries writes:
“Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved. We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? 83% of the men said ‘disrespected.’ 72% of the women said, ‘unloved.’ Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!”
Men down to their core tend to feel inadequate in some way. Proper respect (not flattery, but genuine respect) enables the man to recognize his good traits and use them to overcome what he perceives to be significant weaknesses.
You have probably heard the saying, “Behind every successful man is a (good) woman.” Perceptions are an interesting thing. How many times have you heard that behind every successful woman is a (good) man? Perhaps not at all, as I haven’t.
Even though love and respect are important to everyone, a man will usually need respect more than love, and a woman will usually need love more than respect. If a man imagines how he feels when he perceives he is being disrespected, then he can imagine how a woman feels when she perceives when she is being unloved. Flip it around for the woman, and each should have a better idea of how the other feels in a given situation.
Cherish
Both husband and wife promise to “cherish” each other. No person on the earth should take precedence over our spouse. Mother, father, sister or brother should not take more importance than this new family.
“29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.”
~ Ep 5:29
The groom actually vows twice to “cherish”, the first one to “cherish and keep” his new bride. This is a reflection of what is stated in the very first wedding ceremony.
“24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
~ Ge 2:24
A man not only cherishes his wife above all others, but he physically leaves mother and father and separates himself to mark that this is the beginning of a new family.
Keep
The groom vows to “keep” his bride. “Keep” is a somewhat antiquated with varied meanings. What is interesting is that one definition is to “maintain — as by care and labor”. A husband must do his best to maintain the relationship. Men are exposed to so many things, not all sexual, that can distract from the relationship. He must active in trying to maintain the relationship.
It can also mean to guard and protect, and that is usually what is thought of. It is a reflection of the fact that the husband is the head of the new household (Ep 5:23). As such, it is his job to protect the family from various threats. The man is to provide security, which tends to be a high need among women in relationships.
Some view this as being antiquated, but it is a reflection of how God created the sexes. It also has practical applications. The wife protects the children while the husband protects the wife. This puts the strengths of each sex in its role.
Obey (vs Submit)
The wife vows to “obey” her new husband in the traditional wedding vows. This is controversial in this world, but it was not always. Having said that, I did a separate blog article on “Royals Wedding Vows Distance Them From Tradition: No ‘Obey’”, which points out that there is no (that I’m aware of) direct command for a wife to “obey”. The correct term actually would be “submit”.
“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
~ Ep 5:22-24
I’m not going to repeat the entire article here, but “submit” means much more than obey. Employees can obey. Servants can obey. Slaves can obey. Children are commanded to obey, but a wife is not a child. Submission is a voluntary act, and it involves the inner self not just the physical. Obedience is physical, and it is often done because the situation forces the obedience. Submission is an attitude, and it is done in order to please the other person.
The husband promises twice in the vows to “cherish” his wife, while she only does once. In a similar fashion, wives are told to submit in Ephesians 5, but the entire church is told to submit “to one another in the fear of God” (v 21). Since husbands and wives are also part of the church in this scenario, it stands to reason that there must be times when the husband will submit to his wife’s desires, yet in the overall context, wives are reminded again to submit.
Of course, submission on the part of either party is a natural reaction if they truly cherish their partner.
Yet, there must always be a tie-breaker. God designated the husband to be the head in order to keep unity within the family unit. Could He have done this differently? He certainly could have, but He did not. Rather, there is a spiritual connection we will explore in the next section.
For Richer or Poorer, in Sickness and in Health –
You’ve heard of “fair weather friends”, referring to people who stick around when things are good but take off when things get tough. Well, you don’t want a “fair weather marriage”!
Loss of job, loss of limb, no matter what, marriage is a commitment. It is more than a commitment, actually. It is a covenant before God!
The next part will concentrate what these vows mean in regards to Christ and the Church.