The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Have you heard this saying before? I, Dr. Mandragora, can personally attest to the fact this often quoted quip is dead-on accurate. I mean, come on, you think have a plan all ready to go, be it for the day, for the week, or for your entire life, and all of a sudden, WHAM! Out of nowhere you are tackled by an alpaca wearing a polyester sweater. Now, I know what you are thinking, gentle reader. How the devil did an alpaca get a sweater on with out opposable thumbs? All I can say is, that is my point exactly! You are moving forward with your best plan to get laid, and suddenly, alpacas make an evolutionary jump forward. Or something like that. It’s craziness!
As an illustrative example, have I ever told you the story of the Wizard King Nebuchadnezzer’s Hanging Gardens? The Wizard King Nebuchadnezzer was a man of infinite jest. Or was that his son Yorrack? Well, either way, Nebuchadnezzer, or as I use to call him, Chad, was simply wild about plants. Every room in his palace had to hare plants displayed in some shape or form. Sometimes the plants were in pots and placed in corners of rooms. In other instances, the plants were cunningly and creatively hidden amongst furnishings. Perhaps the weirdest example of this was the guest restroom. Chad has used his magic to create a wall of toilet shaped topiaries. Unless one knew the secret as to which of the 20 commodes was real, his guests could easily relieve themselves into a bowl shaped plant. Though, now that I am thinking about it, I suppose the plant would have welcomed the additional, shall we say, “plant food”? I know! EWW! But I never said Chad wasn’t insane, just that he had an infinite collection of jests. Or something like that.
Anyway, not being a man to do anything halfway, Wizard Chad decided to create the largest above ground garden ever constructed. And when I say he was going to create, I mean that he, of course, asked me to do it. After all, when you want something done right, you do it yourself; when you want something done with creativity and panache, you call me.
It happened to transpire that Chad’s 30th birthday was fast approaching, and he was planning a major soiree, a very good affair. Despite the fact that I told him I needed at least 6 months of planning, Wizard Chad wanted his Hanging Gardens to be completed for the party which was to be held in 2 weeks time. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “But Dr. Mandragura, 2 weeks to plan, build, and enchant the most fabulous garden ever conceived by mankind? How did you do it? “
Well, let me tell you, gentle reader, there have been times my intelligence and wizardly acumen amaze even me. Sadly, this time was not one of them.
You see, I thought I had designed a perfect garden and had planned the construction and magical words with my usual eye detail. For the general layout and measurements, I went to the only man of consequence, the dwarf called Dworkin. Now, when Dworkendrafts up something, you can rest assured that everything will be measured and remeasured a dozen times, and the land will be graded to perfection. And everything was. Unfortunately, once the actual plants themselves were installed, and hanging quite beautifully I might add, a very basic problem surfaced. Since the plants were all suspended in mid-air the irrigation system that would normally have provided them with water would no longer reach. In short, there was no way to get water to over a hundred acres of greenery short of carrying it by hand. I mean, what is the point of having hired hands if they aren’t going to use their hands?
Anyway, it was left up to me to find a solution to watering the acres of foliage. I looked around the area for inspiration and, lo and behold, I notice the moat around Chad’s palace. Sitting there doing absolutely nothing was thousands of gallons of water I mean really, could the solution have been anymore obvious? Besides it irked me that the hired hands weren’t working; I wasn’t going to let the water in the moat do the same.
So, I cast the appropriate enchantments and diverted the water to flow in and around the Hanging Gardens. It made for a nice effect, actually; the plants hanging gracefully with streams of water flowing in the air. Altogether, it was a magical sight and an elegant solution to a unique problem.
That night, Chad had his soiree. Every noble, statesman, and high end merchant was there. Everyone was exclaiming over the Hanging Gardens. I heard one lady exclaim, “I am just losing my head over these plants!” and sadly, that’s exactly what she did.
Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a hungry piranha in the moat? That simple fact would have saved us all a of of grief. You see,, when I diverted the water to the plants, the piranha went along for the ride. And what with the lights and sounds and smells of the party, the hungry little things were driven to a frenzy. They flung themselves at the guests, biting and gnawing, while the guards were rushing about swinging at the fish as if they were pirates. All told, we lost 63 guests and 12 piranha, and I was worried about what Chad would say. Those piranha are expensive to replace you know!
Well, anyway, as I said, you can plan things out to your heart’s content, but it really does no good. Events will transpire as the creator wishes, and that damn alpaca will always choose polyester no matter how many wool sweaters you buy him. All I can say is, I hope each of us has the grace to accept that which we cannot change and the wisdom to make the most of that which we are given.
And remember, there simply is no accounting for taste.