The First Annual Turkey Bowl Lineup

Week 17 always needed to be spiced up. Sure, nowadays the NFL crams important games into the final month of the season just to make sure season ticket holders continue returning to stadiums with the hope that their team can somehow pull off four wins in a row against division rivals (Buffalo fans just lit themselves on fire), but up until a few years ago the final weeks were basically worthless.

We would tune in to see Peyton riding the bench since there was nothing left to play for, or Kitna throwing balls end-over-end because there was no reason to bring Romo back in week 15 if you only have three wins. Betting was impossible due to players resting during meaningless games (as opposed to every other week during the season when I’m a ringer picking the spread. Sigh). And fantasy football became Russian roulette, as opposed to skill, with as many as 10 starters sometimes sitting when seeds were locked up.

Something had to be done.

The way I figured, if teams were going to put their crap on the field during week 17, then why can’t we? So, my fantasy league and I got together and pulled an idea out of our ass that could probably never be thought of again, even if we tried.

We created a game in which the goal was to set a fantasy lineup that would NOT score points.

The rules are simple. Play your guys that are basically worthless. However, if you start someone that’s on IR, or they don’t get a touch during the game, you’re penalized 50 points (keeps everyone from starting backup quarterbacks and injured players just to guarantee a score of 0).

The idea took off. Now, the winner even gets a small taste of the pot. Little did I realize, though, that the Shit Bowl (you can tell we really didn’t try when naming it) would be fun AND somewhat relevant.

Past records have proven that the team that usually wins the Bowl is also the team that usually finishes in last place. That final week ends up summarizing one unlucky team’s season rather than having the champion continue his winning streak. And since we’re a little over three quarters of the way through the season, I’m figuring that most people already have their Shit Bowl lineup in mind.

So, in tribute to the holidays, I present to you the 2011 “Turkey Bowl” lineup (see what I did there):

(Note that’s too long to be a footnote: When I asked my entire league about which guys have disappointed, I got not one, but two responses that simply said “Painter”. Too easy. I wanted to use bigger names that have disappeared on a weekly basis, and guys that you start but make a point not to watch because you know they’ll do next to nothing. Also, I decided to go fantasy lineup and not a real life Turkey lineup. That, like using Painter, would be too easy. All we would have to do is throw John Beck behind the Arizona line, spread Dez and Plaxico out wide (with the exception that Bryant ONLY plays three quarters. We all know he only shows up for one, so just imagine how excited you would be if he didn’t get a touch through three and then you had the option to bench him. This could definitely work), and make Hillis and CJ split time in the backfield (if it wasn’t a guarantee that Hillis would fake an injury and be out for half of our imaginary season, we could just use him and avoid watching CJ run directly into the line and fall backwards). I’m pretty sure that offense couldn’t even score on the Pats D.)

QUARTERBACKS

Starter: Mark Sanchez

Backup: Joe Flacco

Because He Shouldn’t Be Left Off Any List That Qualifies Players As Terrible: John Beck

(Fitzpatrick is lucky he had an outstanding first month, otherwise we would immediately extend his contract for this team.)

Honestly, we should’ve seen it coming. Being the big DVOA fan that I am, I knew all about Sanchez and his Adjusted Quarterback Rating, a statistic that showed the young QB should have thrown 11 more interceptions than he actually did last season, only to be saved by defender drops. I knew all about the Jets cutting most of their cap and talent just for the chance to nab Asomugha. But I stilled believed. And now, not only do the media take shots every chance they get, but even his coach won’t talk to him .

When the Jets and Ravens played a few Sunday nights ago, I got to witness first hand Sanchez and Flacco rear back and fling poop at each other. Take a look at the box score of that game next time you get the chance. Then sterilize your eyes.

I realize Sanchez’ postseason numbers are glamorous, but this season he’s been everything but.

RUNNING BACKS

Starter: Chris Johnson

Backup: Peyton Hillis

In one of my more important leagues, Jamaal Charles and CJ were my first two picks (you can stop throwing up now). Though Charles doesn’t qualify for this list due to injury, CJ can be the torch-bearer. With only two 100 yard games under his belt this season, Johnson has been everything that we didn’t hope for. Whether it was the money, lack of training, lockout conditioning, or all three, something has definitely hindered his performance. Honestly, the Titans would average more YPC if they just allowed Hasselbeck to sneak it up the middle for every run play.

Hell, Johnson even had us believing the old CJ2K was back after his performance against Carolina. But then we were reminded why our teams suck after he scuttled his way to a 12 car for 12 yds display vs Atlanta. Alas, if you own him to this point, he can atleast guarantee you a starting spot in this lineup.

WIDE RECEIVERS

Starters: Santonio Holmes, Reggie Wayne

Backups: Stevie Johnson

I’m a bit unsure if these guys are copouts due to their QB play (or lack thereof), but all three were not only highly touted and drafted in the early rounds, they also have had subpar seasons. Stevie started by helping his owners with three straight TD games, but has slowly withered with the Buffalo offense down the stretch. In fact, he still doesn’t have one 100 yard performance this season.

And don’t even get me started on Santonio and Wayne. The thing is, if you actually watch Jets games (and unfortunately I have), Holmes is wide open on 80% of the snaps he plays. It’s just too bad that the only way he’ll ever get the ball is if we turn Sanchez into Junior from the Little Giants and give him a toilet paper roll to throw (which reminds me, have you seen the Icebox lately?? I definitely would’ve played tackle football with her if I knew how she would turn out…….even though she was like 11 at the time……….I should really stop talking).

But as you’re sitting around filling out your lineups and hoping you don’t have to start any of the aforementioned guys, just remember that days like today are about much more than The Harbaugh Bowl or the Cowboys winning by 7. Enjoy the time with your family and friends…

(but still hope the Cowboys win by 7).

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.


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