I have never known such loss and regret in my soul as when I lost my baby. The grief that followed having to lose a child that had passed away inside me, even though I’d only known of his or her existence for a month, carved a hole in my soul, a leaking cup that even appropriate condolences could not fill. It was a personality-changing event. If you know someone who’s lost a child through miscarriage or otherwise, know that this evokes a very real grief and chances are they’re suffering horribly whether or not they vocalize it to you. If you have suffered such a loss yourself, I cannot say that I understand your pain, that anyone except you understands your pain, but I would like to offer a few of the Bible verses that helped me deal with the worst of my grief. (All verses are from the New Living Translation, Second Edition of the Bible.)
1. “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.” Jeremiah 1:5 God knows your child, knew that little soul before he or she came to rest inside you. I found this verse profoundly comforting because it convinced me my child was not simply gone – if the Lord knew my child before I did, my sweet little angel must continue existing somewhere unseen by me. I believe my child waits for me in heaven, that I will see, hold, and name him or her someday. Your child existed, your loss is real, and it is not a permanent loss.
2. “God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 There’s no shame in tears or any of the other stages of grieving described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, including anger or bargaining. God knows your heart. Ask for His help to make it through moments when you’d give anything in this world in exchange for your child back or scream at the world (or those on it) in rage that it didn’t stop spinning when your own world collapsed. He will comfort you. You do not have to wade through your loss alone. There’ve been times I’ve laid down on my bed and sobbed, just broken down, before feeling a peace come over me that helped me get back up again. God will help you through this, but know the act of mourning is okay.
3. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31-32 The pain of grief can make it easy to lash out at those around you, especially if they don’t grieve in the same manner as you or don’t understand your grief at all. Don’t do it. Resist the temptation to alienate those who love and support you during this trying time. A study published in the journal Pediatrics stated parental relationships have a higher risk of dissolving after losing a baby by miscarrige or stillbirth versus those who have a live birth. Don’t lose two people you love. The act of missing someone neither equates nor permits hating someone else. My husband’s largest barrier to grieving and moving on in our relationship together revolved around forgiving me for expressing uncertainty about the baby, and my biggest barrier was regret that I ever felt a moment’s uncertainty. We moved past it with a little time and a lot of prayer.
4. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:34 Some days even living day-to-day is overwhelming, and you revert to moment to moment. There were nights I had no idea how I’d find the strength the next day to do all the tasks I needed to perform to take care of my own children – packing for school, overseeing homework, doing a good job at work so there’d be money to pay for the roof over our heads. Don’t worry about tomorrow, get through today. The realization this verse brought me was that all I had to do was lean on God and get through now.
5. “And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.” Hebrews 11:6 To me, this verse illustrated my part in helping God help me. Instead of waiting to be cleansed of my grief or the stages inherant to it, I took the whole messy bundle to God and sought his help. I prayed for it, yearned for it, and stayed faithful I would receive it. Don’t wait for your response to your loss to be neat or tidy before you lay it at the feet of the Creator of the universe. I find it difficult to travel back to a good place without seeking God’s help.
6. “…I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:13 I know I will never forget the child I lost, but this verse helped me realize I had to press forward to the future God has planned for me without that child in the natural world. As I said before, there’s no doubt in my mind I’ll see my little angel again, and moving forward with my life did not mean I loved or cherished him or her one ounce less. We have since had a joyful little girl I know will meet her brother or sister someday in a family reunion of celestial proportions.
May God bless you and your family.