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Question
How can I get my kids to be less clingy? I’m a single mother of twin boys who just turned 5, and a new baby is on the way. At the moment, the boys are acting really needy. It seems they have regressed a bit emotionally. I left them with their grandmother, whom they love, and they cried until I came back. Does this involve the new baby? I don’t think they were too happy when I told them they would have a new brother or sister. I try to encourage them to welcome the baby and tell them that nothing will change, but they are not interested. What can I do to make them want the baby, and to make them less clingy?
Answer
The new baby will require the boys to adapt. You can take some steps to ease the transition, and I list some below. But your children have enjoyed the bulk of your attention for all five of their years, and they know that a new baby will siphon off a lot of that attention. Don’t try to deny that, not to your sons and not to yourself.
Babies will hog your time, and telling your sons that their lives will not change erodes your credibility. Even at age 5 they know better. Their lives will indeed change, and you can expect jealousy and resentment. No, it’s not fair to the baby. But such feelings are both common and understandable. Many children will regress to babylike behavior, perhaps in the hopes of capturing Mommy’s attention.
Rather than try to convince your children to get excited about the new addition to the family, try some of the following strategies to address your sons’ concerns:
Look at it through 5-year-old eyes. To those boys, bringing a new baby home might look like a man bringing another woman into the house and introducing her to his wife as a new girlfriend soon to be joining the family. How would you react to something like that? Some children make the transition to a new baby easily, but your sons might feel betrayed. Don’t get angry with them for those feelings. Be patient with the regression. You don’t want to turn back the clock and give up years of hard-earned progress. But your older children’s need for affection is real and tangible. Give them what you can, and don’t allow the baby to monopolize your time to the point that you don’t hang out with the older kids. Combat this trend by involving them in baby-related activities. Appoint them as helpers, and shower them with compliments and thanks for their efforts. Assign them to fetch and carry, teach them how to play with the baby, and otherwise involve them in the baby-care process. Set aside some time with the older kids. Of course, you won’t have as many hours to spare. But make it a point to spend some private time with each child every day, even if you just take a few minutes to read a book or play a game. Remember that there are no stupid questions. When your older children ask about the baby, give them straight answers about what babies do, what they want, and how to treat them. Don’t push the issue. If your sons don’t want to bond with the baby, they won’t, even if you force them to spend time together. Instead, let them get used to the idea of the new baby. Give a few gifts. Babies often receive showers of presents. The older kids won’t need a steady stream, but if you periodically present your sons with some gifts of their own, it should blunt the jealousy.
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