AMESVILLE, MA-24-year-old Brian White describes himself as a “go for it all, live for the moment, no regrets” kind of a guy. “Life is out there man, you just gotta grab it by the throat! It’s right there! Take it!” he said enthusiastically yesterday. However, his enthusiasm was somewhat quelled when his doctor informed him that the pain he’d been feeling in his lower back is a kidney stone that he will have to pass in the next few weeks.
White, who either begins or ends every sentence with “man” or “bro” (or “brah”) [Ed note: Each instance, all 124 of them, had to be edited out for content and coherence], evidently does not have the zest for passing a kidney stone as he does for cliff-diving or snowboarding down a mountain. However it did not spur his enthusiasm for spouting empty cliches by which he lives his life. “It’s all about attitude,” he explained. “I just go. Live life to the fullest.”
Reminded that as a result White will have to live this kidney stone to the fullest, his enthusiasm dampened considerably. He did manage to force out, “It’s just one of those challenges life throws at you. It’s life, I just go, live life to the fullest, and I love to have fun.”
When asked if he had ever developed the capacity to say anything other than meaningless cliches, White promptly collapsed to the ground sobbing, crawling into the fetal position.