My ex-hubby passed May 19th. The day of my niece’s wedding. The kids took it well. Me I have not been able to grieve. There has been no closure for me. I became sick 2 days after and have not been able to get well even with all the medicines and Dr. appointments. Finally the Doctor told me it was nothing medicine could fix. He said I had Survivor’s Guilt. Well, he told me to talk 10 minutes a day to cry and grieve. This has not worked for me. The closest I can come is this letter I wrote to my ex the other day, that was step one. Posting it here is step two……… (By the way, I am beginning to get better, who would have thought) anyways, here I go………
Well where do I begin, it seems I have so many things not handled. I still pick up the phone every few days and begin dialing your number then it hits me, you’re not there to call anymore. I can’t call you and say hello, or tell you how the kids are, or ask your opinion, or just hear your voice. I find myself seeing things I know you would get a kick out of and I think I need to tell Billy about this one. But I can’t.
It took me a month and a half before I could make myself go to the grave yard. And well I was upset the people had not been out to redo the grave after it settled. As you know I spoke to you just briefly, I could not say the things I needed to say and I’m not ready for goodbye yet.
I miss my friend so much. Since we started the separation I have held so much guilt for letting you move out. And I have punished myself in so many ways. It took me a long time but I know we did the right thing for the boys. Knowing that the boys were suffering by not being able to have a normal life and giving up so much for your cancer and the days you were so mean and hateful because of the medicine. It was my breaking point and I choice not to break. I know in my heart we did the right thing, If only I could go on with my life. The boys made a great recovery and are doing well, and still love you just as much as they always have.
.
The love affair we had ended a few years ago but the friendship remains and it is the friend I miss and am having trouble-saying goodbye to. Goodbye my friend. May you rest in peace. The fondest memories I chose to keep, the others I bury with you today.
Always your friend,
JJ