I just emerged from my bedroom, Poe-like, bleak and bleary, (weak and weary, whatever,) after watching college bowl games continuously since mid-December. I can’t tell you much of what I watched, it’s one big blur, but I learned some new things. I learned that hiring a chef to fix Christmas dinner is extravagant, but buying a new luxury car is not; that the car insurance companies seem to be competing to see who can produce the most idiotic commercial. (This is where our monthly premium goes?)
A Hair of the Dog
While there was the National Championship, and other interesting contests, many of the teams competing in the games were, frankly, mediocre. And what becomes of the college football junkie now that the bowl season is over? You know, the fans who watch replays of the Beef O’Brady Bowl. (and you know who you are, or should I say, you know who I am.) Consider a new bowl game for those diehards who can’t get enough of college bowl games, no matter how bad: “The GodAwful Bowl.”
A Sponsor
A sponsor has already stepped forward. The official name of the game will be “The Creamed Chipped Beef Association of America’s GodAwful Bowl.” Catchy, huh? (astute readers, such as lit. majors and 2012 theorists, may pick up a recurring symbol here)
Additional Info
I say we do it right and go mediocre all the way. We locate the most mediocre city in the country. They will surely welcome the opportunity to host the game.
There will be no names on the players’ jerseys since they will probably wish to remain anonymous and nobody gives a damn who they are anyway. Special teams will have to be renamed because there’ll be nothing special about this game.
The crowd will be comprised of people on community service work. At the risk of violating their Constitutional guarantee against cruel and unusual punishment, they will be assigned to attend the game. Besides, it beats cleaning out storm sewers, if only by a little.
The Competition
The competitors will be two 6-6 teams and the team that loses, wins. That’s right, the team that loses and goes to 6-7 is the winner. There will be no prize money for either team. In fact, both teams will be required to pay in order to compete.
The Prize
As mentioned, the winner will be the loser. That team receives an all expenses paid tour of pay toilets across the United States, a week old bouquet of flowers picked out of the trash and the coveted Grand Prize: a year’s supply of creamed chipped beef. See you there!