I have heard many times that praising good behavior works much better than “don’ts”. And I understand the logic, it really makes sense. But using this rule in real situations consistently is a little difficult. Sometimes I think that you must be an expert to use the rules when dealing with toddlers and tantrums. I am happy every time I succeed. And from my experience it is not the expertise but love that you need to help you rule out conflicts.
My 18-month-old son Ian was playing with our matryoshka, which is a Russian hand painted wooden doll, which has four scaled down copies stacked inside it, one inside of the other. They are quite famous in Russia and even around the world and children love to open the doll and see an even cuter one inside, and so on. But the wood is not too thick and the doll can crack or even break if thrown too hard. Not really a toy for toddlers especially rough ones like my boy.
This particular matryoshka was quite fancy, more a decoration than a toy and was a gift also. But I feel that kids should be allowed to play not just with toys but with real things as well, even more fragile objects. It is a great opportunity for them to learn. And it is a good one for me to learn my discipline strategies as well.
So I was watching Ian stack the dolls inside each other, scream with surprise each time I opened one and arranged them on his little table. He was quite fascinated and intrigued. Perhaps this is why he was pretty careful and gentle.
But all of a sudden the energy level changed one hundred percent and he started throwing the wooden dolls on the ceramic floor one by one, cleaning out his table. Sure enough my first reaction was to tell him to stop throwing. Well, instead of stopping he threw the next ones even harder. Well, I thought, it is easy to talk about praising good behavior, but what if you are in the middle of the “no-no” behavior?
Then I remembered that words might not mean too much for him. So I went to grab one of the dolls still waiting its brutal destiny. This went even worse. He screamed and pulled the doll closer to himself, hugging it tightly. He was pretty mad, tears in his eyes, twisting his lips and stepping back slowly. At this moment I did not really care about the dolls. But did not want to lose my chance to give my little I-do-what-I-want a lesson. After all, I have to learn disciplining toddlers as well.
So doing my best to keep calm I took one of the remaining dolls and softly put it down on the floor saying “Here, gentle, we put the dolls on the floor gently”. And I pulled back to stop him walking away with sobs.
After a moment Ian came back still very sad, looked at the doll in his hand and threw it on the floor. I almost jumped to save it and grabbed him but I remained still and calm. After seeing that there was no reaction Ian took the next doll from the table. And to my great surprise, still very serious, he put the doll gently on the floor.
And here was my chance to praise the good behavior! Sure enough I congratulated him big time, hugged him and sincerely told him how well he has done with a big smile. You should have seen the little face light up with a big smile. He laughed and was definitely pleased. The remaining dolls were carefully arranged on the floor and the remaining dolls were picked up to join the gathering.
It might be a small incident not even worth too much attention for more experienced mothers. But for me being a first time mother it was a big victory. It was my victory over my impatience. My little son showed me that he is happy to learn. And with a little patience and lots of love I can think of a way to turn a situation so that instead of criticizing bad behavior I can praise good one.
This incident showed me that I do not have to be an expert to discipline my son the right way. My love and patience can help me find the way to deal with dangerous situations, even when being bombarded with dolls and mad glances.
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