In every relationship I have been in, I have been the Stand in Girl.
Wait, what? Yep, that’s right folks, the Stand in Girl. That is, we both like each other enough to have good conversation, and like each others friends, and have a lot of the same interests, but overall it’s really just a mild flame of hand holding and kissing and even-tempered dates of movies and dinner over and over again instead of a hot burning passion that drives you crazy when you aren’t together and makes you wild with desire and makes you want to do everything in your power to see that person no matter what you have to do. Nope, never had that.
Sure, when my plane malfunctioned on the tarmac in North Carolina and my flight was canceled and I wasn’t able to make any connecting flights on New Years Eve 2010 to Seattle to see my then boyfriend, I was wild with anger that our plans were ruined. But in the back of my mind even then when things with us were still good, I knew for a fact that he wasn’t the “one” for me. Everything we did was luke-warm romance. I knew that he was in fact what my mother had warned me of: a man who had been looking for a girl on the rebound (which I was). I was his longest relationship of 6 months, and that should have been a red flag given the fact he was 30 and I was barely 22. All he was looking for was a girl to fill the empty space in his life for a little while until he found something he wanted for real.
Another guy told me on a regular basis how “awesome” I was and how it was good to have someone to “hang” with. (Again, red flags I should have cared to notice.) We went out with his friends, and he met mine. All and all it was lovely. We had sleepovers nightly, and every day it occurred to me to ask him what the hell we were. But, wanting to maintain my “awesome” status, and not be that pushy girl, I never did and ultimately lost out because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by asking the hard questions. Turns out the other girl did ask the hard questions (and comes to find out he had been seeing her all along), and she got what she wanted: My sort-of boyfriend. However, he got what he wanted as well, which was the girl he had been looking for while I was standing in keeping his bed warm at night.
After a couple of disastrous and awkward dates recently I had a good long talk with myself and then each of my three best friends trying to make sense of my “Stand in Girl” situation. Why on earth had I let myself become that girl? No one likes that girl. That girl has a new guy every other month and even though she knows she will never marry him, she continues to see him anyways. I realized I’ve been doing this because having someone is better than having no one. I do it because it’s nice to have someone around to do things with. And with being the ultimate Stand in Girl, I know there are other guys out there waiting to just use and abuse me and my emotions because I’m a Stand in Girl and that’s what we Stand in Girls do. We let ourselves be used because we don’t care enough about ourselves, we think that we’re not good enough for anyone else long-term, or simply think that a real passionate relationship could come of this luke-warm fling that has absolutely no substance and is founded on a few commonalities.
Ladies, if you’re reading this and see yourself in this situation as well, stop. Stop right now. You and I both know he isn’t worth it, and neither is the emotional roller coaster he has you on. We all know that Stand in Girls never make the final cut, so why drag out situation? Even though it’s not a red-hot love affair it hurts just as badly when it ends. You my dears are worth more than that. You’re worth more and you deserve more than what he “gives” you. (That being strung along playing mind-games and ultimately being told “You’re a cool person and all, but this just isn’t working for me.”)
Ladies, it’s time to take that power back, and we are the only ones that can make it happen. Know your worth and know you deserve more than that guy who offers you nothing more than a lack-luster Stand in Girl Relationship.
I’m doing it. Are you?