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Question
How can I get my boyfriend to stop screaming at the kids? The man is sensitive and sweet, but he has a short fuse. His children are 2 and 4, and he splits custody with his ex. He and I are expecting our first child together. We both came from abusive childhoods. He tries screaming at me and I won’t stand for it. When I voice my opinion, he listens, chills out, and apologizes. His kids fear him and won’t tell him he’s wrong, so he thinks he is doing just fine. He cusses at them and sometimes threatens them when they make him mad. He doesn’t treat me this way, so why would he treat a child this way? How can I get him to relax and enjoy the kids, and to open his eyes and see that he is repeating the same cycle he suffered through? I don’t want him to do this to our baby, too.
Answer
All too often, parents who can’t control their short tempers end up on the evening news, charged with child abuse. Or murder.
I don’t mean to frighten you too much, but you do have reason to be concerned. Adults who did not benefit from a positive parental role model during their own childhood may have trouble understanding how to be good parents. Not all of the abused grow up to abuse their own children, but studies suggest they are more likely to do so than adults not abused during their youth. Given that trend – and your pending delivery – you need to intervene now. Try becoming a visible and vigorous advocate for those children.
All children misbehave, and parents have a duty to correct their behavior and to train them to do better. But the process of discipline involves teaching and encouraging, not just criticizing and punishing. And while periodically pumping up the vocal volume can get kids’ attention, constant screaming will frighten and cow young children. When those kids get older and no longer feel the fear, they will learn to ignore the yelling and may very well resent their father for his treatment.
Does this man understand that the abused are more likely to abuse? If he does not, suggest that he read A Coordinated Response to Child Abuse and Neglect , prepared by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. If a suggestion doesn’t work, do what you can to make him read the document. Child-abuse risk factors connected to the characteristics of parents include a history of abuse, current substance abuse, knowledge of parenting, and age (younger parents may be more likely to abuse). I don’t have all the facts, but based on your question, your boyfriend may have several of the risk factors.
The good news is that he should be able to change. If he wants to change.
The bad news is that you can’t afford to leave that choice to him. You are having a child with this man, and you need to push him to become a better father.
There is no reason to use profanity with children. There is no reason to scream at them constantly. There is no reason to expect kids age 2 and 4 to always know the right thing to do. And most importantly, there is no reason to expect children that young to have the gumption to stand up for themselves and tell their father he is treating them badly. That is where you come in. If they can’t speak up, you must speak for them.
Your boyfriend may not have crossed over the line from bad parenting to abuse, but he’s mighty close. And with the two of you facing at least 18 more years of parenting, he needs to get off this track immediately. Push the issue. If he gets mad, he gets mad. But he needs to change.
I don’t normally recommend seeking help from psychologists or counselors. But if you can’t sway your boyfriend from his destructive path, recruit some help from a professional whose opinion he will respect.
I’ll close with a last piece of advice. In cases like this, I generally recommend going to the ultimate authority figure. Your situation cries out for prayer, and I advise that you start talking to God about this immediately.
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