I write this article from the perspective of a divorced single mother with two young boys (age 3 and 5) and an adopted stepdaughter (16). I work a part time job to supplement the unreliable income from my own business (as a freelance copywriter and small business marketing strategist) and I juggle those 3 jobs with community involvement and several positions with the local Chamber of Commerce. My life is chaotic, busy, and unpredictable.
That being said, the information in this article is not just for single parents. It is for busy parents. It is for stay at home parents. It is for any person who has at least one child and sometimes feels overwhelmed.
The nutshell advice is to remember three very important “R words” and to consistently enforce them. A more elaborate example of these words can be found in the educational video that inspired this article: ‘Rules, Rituals, and Routines.’
Rules
It is important to have rules. If you don’t, you may be wasting your energy disciplining a child. It’s easier to forget you’ll get in trouble for doing something if there is not an associated rule being broken. This may seem like a no-brainer… but it’s not. I found that writing rules onto a white board has helped with discipline; rather it’s made it unnecessary to discipline my children every single day.
The first few days, if a behavior broke a rule I would simply point to the rule where it was written and explain how that rule was broken. This would be followed by 5 minutes in time-out.
Keep the rules short, sweet, and simple.
There’s no need to over complicate things! Sure, you could write down every single thought that comes to mind. “No hitting your brother.” “No back flips off the bunk bed.” “No throwing baseballs in the house.” But the thing about rules is that…
Rules should be based on family values.
Family values will vary from one home to the next, and it’s not my job to tell you what you want to teach your children. But my home has 4 very simple “rules.”
· Be kind. · Be respectful. · Be thankful. · Have a positive work ethic.
Those are values that are important to me, and it is important to me that they become important to my children. Whatever your own values may be, those too should be displayed where your children can see. They are your house rules.
And in my home, when a child refuses to pick up their toys it is easy to explain which rule is being broken and why it is important. I do not need to offer a reward (or bribe) to get the kids to pick up after themselves… and I definitely do not need to explain why it is necessary. From time to time there is a slip up. Kids will fight over toys and get angry and express negative behavior. This is when a parent must consistently express positive discipline; and to encourage the child to associate their behavior with the rule/value and its importance.
With clearly expressed rules/values, parents can teach children what behaviors are expected rather than enforced.
Remember we also lead by example. A good parent is a positive role model of what we expect from our children.
Routines
Possible the most difficult thing to jump into is a strict schedule. It can be very challenging to do the same thing at the same time every single day. It sounds intimidating, doesn’t it?
Trust me, it’s not that hard. In fact, you’ll find it becomes easier every day you stick to it. After so many days of following the same routine, it becomes a habit and second nature.
If you do not already have a routine, you probably have a very chaotic household. If everything is go, go, go and you’re often struggling to get the kids ready in time… you need a routine. More importantly, your children need a routine.
Routines show that life can be predictable, controllable, and stable.
An unpredictable lifestyle creates chaos. It can make children anxious, hyperactive, and can make parenting “difficult”. It might help to start small, when incorporating routine into your chaotic lifestyle. However, children are very capable of taking on bigger routines and you will be too with a clearly defined, easy-to-stick-to routine.
Be realistic, considering your own schedule and…
Write down an order of routines, and times when certain tasks need to be done.
The two most important routines, when your children are in school, are morning routines and evening routines. In the mornings, my children eat breakfast while watching cartoons. Then they get themselves dressed and make their beds. This is done every morning, in the same order, and at the same time. Sure routines may sound dull and boring to some, but everyone is happier and the mornings go much smoother than if we didn’t have this routine. Of course, that was the easy one.
After school, the boys can have a snack while they watch TV or play (‘free time’). Free time lasts until 6 o’clock. Then the TV is shut off and it is cleanup time. All toys must be picked up and their room tidied. Dinner is served at 6:30. Because of this, the children are actually better about eating their dinner. They don’t argue over “I’m not hungry yet” when it is served earlier than they’re used to, because it is served at 6:30 every day.
After dinner, the boys help clean up their dishes and the table. If their “work” (picking up) is done they will have more free time. Otherwise they are to finish taking care of their toys and cleaning their room. (See my family value rules about work ethic.) This spot of free time lasts until 8 pm when they are given a bath, brush teeth, and then help pick out their clothes for the next day.
This is followed by a bedtime story. They each pick out one bedtime story, and it is read to them in their beds.
This may sound like a strict routine but it is not. It is also far from dull or boring. The real shocker is that my own schedule is different. I work evenings 4 days a week, but this routine is still consistent for the children. Dinner at 6:30, bath at 8 followed by bedtime story and lights out. Easy breezy!
Your children will amaze you, because these routines become a habit. You won’t need to constantly nag at your children to tidy their room when it is a habit they consistently do on their own, at the same time every day.
Rituals
A ritual is a routine with meaning. You may already have some family rituals, such as picking out pumpkins together to carve for Halloween, a special way you celebrate birthdays together, or even a family movie night.
Rituals are something that really brings families together, and they have several benefits. Studies have shown that the more rituals a family has, the fewer behavioral problems there are among the children. Even sitting down together to eat dinner or watch TV in the evenings as a family can have a lasting impact on the day to day basis, and children will be excited for these rituals.
For example, a ritual in my home is to have a “living room picnic” and eat dinner while watching a movie together. There are certain rituals we stick to on a daily, weekly, and even annual basis. They include things you do every year for holidays… rituals are routines that bring families together.
Why Rules, Routines, and Rituals will make a difference
It’s not only important for children to have consistency and predictability in life. Stability is also important for parents. You can allow time for unexpected surprises and emergencies, but in the long run life is much easier to get through when you are in control of it… and that is one of the most important things to teach your children.