On Sunday afternoon, I was doing my usual “watch too many football games, intake too many stats, over-analyze every matchup, get pissed at players I’ve never even met before” routine when it suddenly hit me: None of this makes sense.
The Saints getting destroyed by the Rams? Don’t get it. Miami taking a commanding lead into the half over the Giants at the Meadowlands? Beats me. Cincinnati on their way to 5-2? I definitely didn’t call that one. The Ravens coming within 12 minutes of losing to the Jags and Cardinals on back to back weeks? Well, yea. Should have seen that coming. (During the week, my Bears friend John and I were discussing which teams to pick for our survivor pool, which is basically your everyday run-of-the-mill pigskin pick’em or office eliminator pool. When I brought up the Ravens over Arizona, he just about lost it. “Noooooo. You don’t EVER pick Flacco in a survivor pool. Everyone knows that.” And you know what? I still tempted fate and picked Baltimore. If it wasn’t for a MIRACULOUS comeback, I would be out a lot of money. Hence the birth of “The Joe Flacco-Survivor Pool Theory”.)
But that’s the way this entire season has gone. We look past the fact that just a few weeks ago the Browns let Colt drop back and throw the ball 61 times. Or that the top five teams projected to make the Superbowl have absolutely no running game. Or that Tebow is actually a good quarterback (I fully expect my Twitter to be filled with nasty comments after that sentence). And for the record, I truly am a Tebow believer. Not sure if that whole “leg kick while I overthrow you by 20 yards” will ever pan out in the NFL, but he makes me WANT to believe. If I was ever in the checkout line when he came walking into the store, I swear I would jump over the counter, ring up my own groceries, then find the wall closest to my car and run directly through it.
Poot said it best: ” People goin one way, the world another, yo. ” But we have to continue on, even if the days of running backs getting 28 handoffs a game are gone. And just like every year, awards will be handed out. If anything, the sudden aerial explosion will make this process just as confusing as the season.
(Note to everyone about to bombard my imaginary awards: These fake handouts are only for the halfway point. In no way am I saying that these guys will be the winners of their specific awards in the end. You can now go back to yelling at me.)
NFL COACH OF THE YEAR – Jim Harbaugh
It should be some sort of rule that you automatically win this award if you have a winning record with Alex Smith as your quarterback. Not only did Harbaugh come in and immediately refuse to make a change behind center, he instilled a confidence in his team that no one could have seen coming. By staying true to his run game, and putting Smith in a position to make easy plays, he has San Francisco out to an incredible 6-1 start. And it’s not only 49ers fans that find themselves happy. NFL offices are officially cheering with joy since that Baltimore vs. San Francisco headliner on Thanksgiving Night will no longer result in a million nasty letters.
FANTASY FOOTBALL COACH OF THE YEAR – Any manager who continues to start Flacco on a weekly basis (I salute you).
(For anyone reading this after 2025: Joe Flacco was once a quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens. Noone hated him more than his own fans. He was the first human ever to die from getting eaten by his own eyebrows.)
NFL DEFENSIVE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – Von Miller
One of the rare duel threats: awesome player, awesome name. When it’s all said and done, I truly think he’ll be considered one of the greatest pass rushing linebackers of all time. He currently trails Aldon Smith (6.5) for the league lead in rookie sacks by .5, but trumps him with 26 total tackles and 2 forced fumbles. A sure force to reckon with for many years to come.
NFL OFFENSIVE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR – Cam Newton
One word: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!! (Sincere apologies to every rookie QB this year, especially Cam and Dalton. I really thought we were in for one of the worst classes in a long time. But not only have they succeeded in the professional game so far, they’ve done it in a spectacular way. I’ll even go as far to say that I see Dalton to Green eventually surpassing Peyton to Marvin in the record books.)
Newton is so special that he’s already a shoe-in as my man crush. When me and my future wife sit down one day to discuss our “elevator scenario”, in which you each pick five people that you’re allowed to sleep with in the instance you ever get stuck in an elevator with them, Newton and Calvin Johnson will probably be two of the first five people I name.
NFL AND FANTASY FOOTBALL COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR – Steve Smith
Originally written off in the obituaries, Smith has returned from the dead with a vengeance. Currently leading the NFL in receiving yards with 918, the star receiver has found a new life with his rookie quarterback. Hell, the last time Smith was even remotely this good, I was walking out of the school cafeteria pulling a sharpie out of my sock in order to autograph a football that had just been thrown my way. (Yes, I seriously did that. If the elevator scenario had existed when I was 13, Terrell Owens would have been the first person I named.)
NFL DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR – Jared Allen
I realize we don’t hear ANYTHING about the Vikings, but Allen is quietly putting up hellacious numbers. Leading the league with a ridiculous 12.5 sacks through eight weeks, Allen has struck the existing Strahan/Favre record with the fear of God (I refuse to give that record solely to Strahan when Brett clearly helped him out . Yes, 10 years later and I’m still bitter). Adding three forced fumbles and a pick to his season resume, Allen continues to be a monster on a weekly basis, even with the loss of fellow end Edwards to the Falcons during free agency.
I admit, Suh was my original pick in the preseason. But when you’re getting watched closer than James Harrison and Roy Tarpley combined ever were, it probably means the league doesn’t want to single you out by handing you an award. Just saying.
FANTASY FOOTBALL BUST OF THE YEAR – Chris Johnson
What the hell happened? Forcing me, many other owners, and the Titans to look like complete fools by drafting him/giving him an extension, CJ0K (originally CJ2K) has put up an abysmal 2.8 yards per carry and sits between Jerome Harrison(who has a brain tumor) and Anthony Allen (who I’ve never heard of) in the average yards rankings.
Think about it for a second. I’m giving Johnson this award over Charles, who was a unanimous top five pick and ruled out for the year in week 3, and Vincent Jackson, who as far as I can tell doesn’t even play for the Chargers anymore.
Imagine you own CJ in your league. What if you logged on and saw that another owner offered you Demarco Murray straight up for him. Wouldn’t you take it? If not, wouldn’t you pick up smoking just thinking about it? That’s how far the mighty have fallen. From a record breaking year in which he put up over 2000 total yards, to splitting carries with Jamie Harper, Johnson has left us all in complete disbelief. I for one am not ready to mark him off as a guy who somehow just got bad overnight (Shaun Alexander, Delhomme, Mcnabb). But as for this season, I’m done.
FANTASY FOOTBALL OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR – Fred Jackson
NFL OFFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR – Matt Forte
The hardest decision I’ve made this entire time and it’s not even close. Here’s where we go in between the lines when discussing fantasy games and chalkboard football.
Though both have been amazing for their respective teams and your fantasy squads, the differences lie in the numbers. The top 34 players in total yardage leaders are quarterbacks. The 35th? Forte. Currently, the Bears running back is contributing 43% of his team’s offense, a feat that hasn’t been accomplished throughout an entire season in the HISTORY of the NFL. He leads all running backs in receiving yards, and is top five in both rushing and receiving in RB DVOA (the Football Outsiders nerds just high fived me).
Sure, Jackson has put up numbers only slightly worse than that, but Forte is obviously working behind possibly the worst line in the league (In my opinion, Cutler is putting up a Pantheon underrated season. I’ve watched Bears games in their entirety, and I swear 99% of the time he’s either A) extending plays and making throws that even Brady couldn’t do because everyone knows Brady doesn’t EVER leave the pocket (ask any Pats fan. The only flaw in his game annoys the hell out of them), B) running for his life while keeping his head down the field in order to somehow find a body that actually wants to catch the ball (worst receiving core in the league and it’s not even close. Comparing Green Bay receivers to theirs would be like remaking the Godfather with Dennis Quaid, Luke Wilson, and Anthony Anderson), or C) already on the ground cussing out his linemen).
FANTASY CO-MVPS – Aaron Rodgers and Fred Jackson
NFL MVP – Aaron Rodgers
A fantasy MVP is a guy you can take number one in your draft and start every week, knowing he’ll score atleast 20 points no matter the matchup. Forte was in the mix here, except he somehow recorded a nine yard stinker on the ground during week 3. Jackson, on the other hand, has yet to rush for less than 66 yards in a single game, even catching five passes the one time he did that. He’s only NOT scored a touchdown one time this year (last week at KC, in which he still rushed for 112 yards).
And Rodgers has yet to have a flaw in his game. He honestly makes it look too easy. If some type of guru came up to me and told me Rodgers would never have less than 300 yards in any game for the rest of his career, I would completely believe them.
Being ranked first in TD-INT ratio (20-3) and QB rating (an outstanding 125, 24 points ahead of second place Stafford), the elite QB has led his team to an astounding 7-0 start. And just think, all of this is coming after his perfect performance in a postseason that Green Bay only slipped into because the Bucs lost in the final week.
I’m not sure if Rodgers and Jackson can continue being the backbone of their offenses, but my bet is that they can.
After all, wouldn’t it make no sense at all if they did?