Steps to meeting and impressing your future in-laws
If you are in a stable relationship that is on track to a marriage then there will come a time when you must meet your future in-laws. This can be a harrowing experience on the first encounter but to the disciplined and well prepared, meeting your future in-laws can be a fun, revelatory and engaging moment in the lives of you and your partner. In these brief steps we will examine a path to the big meet as well as what to do in the event that nothing goes according to plan.*
Step 1
The best advice you could possibly ever give or get in this scenario is this: Do not make friends with your in-laws. Be polite and respectful but make no meaningful impression other than you seemed nice. Decline any and all invitations for future gatherings, meetings or get-togethers and take your partner away from all of the craziness that goes with a person’s family. You will not be bothered to help paint your father-in-laws house, shop with your mother-in-law or bail your spouse’s cousin out of jail. You will never be asked to give your brother-in-law a job or attend any funerals, weddings and baby showers. It does not matter if your future in-laws are the nicest people on the planet do not make friends with them if you value your future and the future of your relationship. If you fail to do this or choose to ignore step one then proceed cautiously to step two.
Step 2
If you are reading this step then you have read step one and acknowledge, for whatever reason, that not following step one is an inevitability. Going forward from this point it is important to note an analogy of meeting the in-laws with regards to step one. Meeting your future in-laws is like going to war. Step one is like draft dodging. Step two is accepting your fate and signing up for the military. Step three is boot camp.
Step 3
Do your homework. Research all you can about those who made your spouse. It doesn’t matter if you believe in nature or nurture. Whatever is wrong with your spouse it’s their parents fault. Find out where they are from, where they went to school, any and all public and especially private affiliations. Start with the mother and father and branch out from there. Any piece of knowledge about them that you can relate to without sounding like Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver is valuable. Dig a little deeper into the family history like country of origin, highest education received and previous prominent jobs held by extended family members. But the most important piece of information is what you think they know about you. Can they discover any of your criminal past, internet search queries or drunken photos of you on any number of social media platforms? If any potentially devastating pieces of your past cannot be obfuscated, covered up, successfully lied about or erased then consider going back to Step one.
Step 4
Once you have crammed as much information about the family you are going to be married to in your head it is time to plan the meeting. Arrange it to be in a public place like a bustling park or restaurant. The more witnesses the better. Shame and it’s compliance with social rules governing it is the yardstick by which any civilization can be measured. If your future in-laws are the least bit civilized then having your first meet in a public setting is to your advantage. If for example your future mother-in-law has no problem loudly talking on her cell phone about extremely private matters in the middle of a crowded theater then it does not matter where you meet. Shame can be the great equalizer for those who are affected by it.
If you choose a restaurant try to schedule it during the daytime hours. This will help insure a relaxed lunchtime feeling. Also if anyone wants to leave then having plans after lunch would be more plausible. A lunch meet should also cut down on any alcoholic consumption. A drink or two is nice to loosen up but don’t overdue it. You might end up saying something regrettable that will forever be held against you. Order light and focus on your conversation and not your cheese fries.
Step 5
Have your elevator speech ready. An elevator speech is the 2-3 minute blurb about yourself that you give to recruiters at job fairs, admission counselors and police investigators. It should sound confident, relevant and convey your serious interest in whatever you are being interviewed. Think of it as your verbal cover letter. Now take this skill and apply it to meeting your in-laws. Practice it in your car or in the shower so it does not sound rehearsed or robotic. Try out different versions of your speech so you can switch gears depending on if you are interrupted by a question or a rude food server at the restaurant. The most important part of the elevator speech is to not lead off with it. This will sound phony and awkward.
For example do NOT do this:
Future family member: (extending hand in greeting) Hello so-and-so, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Our son/daughter has told us so much about you already.
You: (clasping hand firmly but not too firmly) Hi, I graduated with a 3.7 from the University of blank, was a youth mentor for an at risk children after school program and was the co-captain of my high school chess team that was runner up at state my senior year.
This would sound ridiculous. Wait until the conversation turns to you for your elevator speech and no matter what, do not admit you were the co-captain of your high school chess team. As far as they know there was no other captain, so you were the captain not the co-captain. Let the conversation guide you to start your elevator speech. If they say something like, tell us about yourself, what was your childhood like or what secrets are you keeping from us, then that will be your queue to begin your practiced but casually sounding speech. If within the first twenty minutes you have not had the chance to give your speech then abandon it. Chances are that at this point you have probably already given out pieces of your speech spliced into other bits on conversation and you run the risk of sounding ridiculous repeating yourself if you wait too long for your speech.
If all goes well and you have not had to run out of the first meeting in anger and or tears then thank them for everything, nicely promise to try out whatever restaurant they subtly suggested was a better place than the one you picked and get out of there. On a long enough timeline we all will say something we regret or that makes us look ridiculous. Chances are your future in-laws are in a hurry to get home to watch a rerun or let their dogs out so feel free to leave before the meeting drags on. In the event that Step 5 has gone horribly wrong see Step one.
Step 6
Marry the person you love no matter what.
*Disclaimer: Following these steps will in no way neither ensure a happy and successful marriage nor does it in any way guarantee a prosperous relationship with the future in-laws. The author cannot be held liable for any ill wills, foul moods, arguments, seclusion at family gatherings, whispers behind backs, withholding of intimate contact or any divorce judgements.