Space…..the final frontier. These are the voyages of the pizza delivery guy.
At least that’s the scenario set forth by the Japanese division of Domino’s Pizza. In the first place, I didn’t even know there was a Japanese division of Domino’s Pizza, but then again I haven’t been paying much attention to the franchise since it decided to turn itself into an imitation of Papa John’s. (Yeah, according to Domino’s research, apparently I’m the one guy who liked things the way they were.)
But I digress. As the story – reported in The (London) Daily Telegraph – goes, “plans” have been made to erect a pizza parlor on the moon.
In what is an obviously transparent attempt to one-up Pizza Hut, who successfully “delivered” a pizza to the ISS back in 2001, Domino’s – or at least the Japanese division thereof – says they’ve been kicking the idea around for about a year, but have not yet set a date for construction to begin.
And lest you think this is merely a publicity stunt – and who would be cynical enough to think that? – an actual construction firm has begun drawing up actual construction plans for what it says will be a two-story, steel-floored, dome shaped pizzeria luna, 84 feet wide, that will include a “fun room” and living quarters for the restaurant’s staff.
But Japanese customers are going to have to buy a lot of squid pizza – a real favorite over there – in order to finance the proposal which is projected to cost about 21.8 billion dollars (or 1.67 trillion yen, if you prefer.) Fifteen rockets will be required to lift the 70 tons of building materials and pizza-making equipment to the lunar surface. To keep costs down, the plan calls for using local mineral deposits to make the necessary concrete and such. A building site has not yet been disclosed, but I’d shoot for the Mare Frigoris, located at 56.0 ° N, 1.4 ° E. This is the “Sea of Cold,” because I think it’s gonna be a cold day in hell before any of this lunacy comes to pass.
According to a Domino’s spokesman, “In the future, we anticipate there will be many people living on the moon, astronauts who are working there and, in the future, citizens of the moon.” And, in case you were wondering, they do plan to deliver. There are, after all, several perfectly good lunar rovers up there, abandoned by Apollo astronauts. I’m sure NASA wouldn’t mind if Domino’s stuck little light-up signs on top of them and used them for delivery vehicles. See, recycling and repurposing. More cost savings. I’ll betcha they didn’t think of that one. That’s okay. I’ll take payment for my contribution to the project in thin-crust pizza, please. I’ll even toss in a slogan; “Get the airlock, it’s Domino’s.”
Unfortunately – because I didn’t think of it first – I believe the Huffington Post’s Laura Hibbard got in the best musical lick of the day with her, “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. Or it could be astronauts eating Domino’s pizza in space.” But I’ve still got to try. Here goes. “Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. Let me order pizza for friends on Jupiter and Mars.”
Eh. I’ll work on it. Somebody order me a pizza!