On Marriage Problems, Infidelity, Privacy, and Adult Problems

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Question

Today my mother and I went out, and she left me in the car while she ran in the store. I know it’s none of my business, but I went through her phone messages. I know she flirts on Facebook and has cheated on my father, although he does not know. Now she is texting a mystery man, and one message said, “Yeah, my marriage right now is just kind of an arrangement, just want the kids to be happy.” I was crushed and wanted to cry. I love both of my parents, and I wish they would just tell me what’s going on. Would it be right if I confronted my mom about this? When Mom and Dad are around each other, they act all loving and happy. Is it possible for people to fall out of love like that?

Answer

The short answer is yes, people can fall out of love. But problems like the one you describe stem from a misunderstanding about what love is. Love is not a feeling, it’s an action, a way of living. Couples that do not make a conscious, consistent effort to show their love for each other can, over time, lose the affection and intimacy needed for a solid marriage.

First off, don’t assume that your father is unaware of your mother’s infidelity. For the most part, spouses figure these things out over time. And your mother’s reference to “an arrangement” suggests that your father knows more than you think he does. You didn’t mention how you learned about the infidelity, but I understand such knowledge lays a terrible burden on you. Give serious thought to telling your father about your mother’s conduct, but I’ll stop short of advising you to spill the beans. I cannot provide good counsel on that topic from a distance, not knowing your parents personally.

Second, your parents are working hard to provide a good home for you and your siblings. Confronting them about the sham may make you feel better in the near term, but would it benefit your siblings? Particularly if you are among the older children in the family, I suggest you keep your knowledge about the weakness of your parents’ marriage to yourself.

Third, I’ve never seen a situation that more screams out for prayer. Relationship issues are complex, and situations like yours can be difficult to salvage. Talk to God. And if you are uncomfortable starting at the top, talk to a trusted clergyman – other than your parents’ pastor.

I must close with a cautionary note to you and everyone else under 18 who reads this column. Your parents deserve their privacy. This is a privilege related more to age and position than moral standing, but it makes a lot of sense. Are you happier now that you know what your mother is texting? Are you better off? The answer is no.

It may seem like a good idea to get the dirt on the adults, to find out all the stuff they won’t tell the kids. But for the most part, adults keep those problems to themselves for good reason. The real weights of life, the ones we parents bear without letting our children know, are too heavy. Most kids – even teens who think themselves smarter and tougher than their parents – are rarely prepared to handle the whole truth. I’m talking not just about marital problems, but about budgets and job troubles and the betrayal of friends and any number of mature issues that all adults must face.

The capability to absorb those body blows comes with time, and the inexorable advancing of experience. Children simply cannot synthesize that kind of maturity without actually living through scenarios that build it up a piece at a time. And I, for one, thank God for that. I love my kids too much to force them to grow up that fast. I suspect your parents feel the same way.

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