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Question
My ex went on welfare to avoid paying child support. The support agency was about to charge him with contempt of court in connection with the $5,000 he owes. In California, if you’re on welfare, the absent parent is required to pay it back, even if you have joint custody. Well, the state is going after me to pay it back, and when I informed my ex, he said, “Drop the child-support case and I’ll get off aid so they won’t go after you. If not, I’ll see you in court.” I replied, “The IRS doesn’t play games.” He is self-employed and hiding income. I believe I can prove it. What should I do, and is this extortion?
Answer
On the surface, I’d call your ex’s actions extortion. But my opinion doesn’t matter, and neither does yours, unless a judge concurs. You need more help than I can give you. Talk to a lawyer immediately. You need someone familiar with both family law and fraud to assess your situation.
You were correct about the Internal Revenue Service and its intolerance about tax dodging. But remember that your first responsibility here is to your child, and your second is to yourself. I’m sure it would feel good to see your ex get his just deserts. I encourage you, however, to instead listen to your lawyer. If you can get the IRS to do most of the work for you, congratulations. But if the IRS doesn’t see a good case, you can’t force the agency to get involved. In court cases that involve custody and child support, you must always look out for your immediate family’s interests. Forget about sticking it to your ex, and don’t pin your hopes on government agencies that have their own agendas and procedures. A good lawyer can help you navigate these choppy waters.
If your lawyer has doubts about his ability to win this case – and welfare fraud can be difficult to prove – you should be prepared to drop your claim for child support. Yes, I know it’s not fair. But if dropping the case is the wisest move, swallow your disgust and do it.
However, losing child support is the worst-case scenario. Your ex may be bluffing. Or perhaps he’s just stupid and shortsighted. If the IRS or welfare officials get involved, he could end up with problems far worse than $5,000 of back child support. Once you dig in, hire a competent attorney, and start addressing this issue legally, you can assess his level of commitment to the cause.
Perhaps he’s just trying to leverage a settlement for less than the entire amount owed. Perhaps he just wants to frighten you off and will agree to pay after he sees you don’t scare easily. Perhaps he’s hoping to negotiate a lower support payment. You really won’t know until you see him in action in a legal setting. Regardless of his motivations, always keep your own in mind and act in the best interests of your child and yourself.
Question
Should I give all of my kids a present on one kid’s birthday?
Answer
Feel free to give party favors to any children attending the birthday party. My mother has been doing that for decades, and I still get favors even though I am long gone from the house, with children of my own. However, any presents given to kids not celebrating a birthday should be small, so as not to upstage the main event. Think dollar store toys or big candy bars.
Birthdays are supposed to be special, to be that one day when the celebrant need not share the glory with siblings. Once children reach age 2 or 3, they understand the individual honor of birthdays. So for that day, let them feel like the center of the universe. Or at least the living room.
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