You walk into the social hall and cringe at the crowds of people gathered into small conversation circles, talking their heads off. You think, “How? Talk to people?! There’s no way to ease into this environment and create small talk.” Muttering voices swell, filling the room like a rolling ocean, complete with the smell of rotting seaweed. (Well, not really. But you imagine the foul smell because it seems to fit with your feeling of repugnance.)
In other words, you would rather be any place but here, talking . . . to people.
And yet, you cannot avoid it. People are social. People talk. And people thrive on connection. You are wired with a dependency for relationships, with an innate desire to be know, to be valued, to have people affirm your sense of purpose and convince you that, yes, your life matters. So, whether you like it or not, humans ultimately need this (blasted) social talk stimulation, because talking to people allows us to share life together.
The good news is that, with a few simple tricks, you can indeed learn to talk to people in a way that seems effortless and actually feeds your inner need for social talking connection.
The First Secret to Social Talking: Talk to People with Humility
The fatal error people make when talking is to misbelieve they are on stage. People think their talk-performance is being scrutinized, and they quickly become their own critic. They make fun of themselves in their minds; analyzing their posture, imagining their facial expressions, jeering at their opening line, and mocking their own come-backs. Essentially, people become their own worst enemy when talking in social settings. All-in-all, we talk to people in a self-absorbed manner.
Here’s the blunt point: Unless you are Brad Pitt or Olivia Wilde, you are rarely under such scrutiny for your social skills. In fact, when you walk into a room, most people are not giving you the look-over. Instead, they are selfishly more concerned with their own persona, wondering if they have dressed better than you or if they look more confident. The fact that you have entered the scene is a moot point in their books. So drop the self-criticism and move on.
Instead, pause, and become humbly aware of yourself and your surroundings. Really be present in the room. Take it all in. Be stirred by the event you are attending or the environment you have entered. Let it affect you. Allow yourself to be silent, humble, and reflective without criticizing yourself for being shy. Right now, you are fueling up.
HOW: Talk to People with Authenticity
Next, initiate the conversation. Instead of focusing so much on what you are saying, focus on authenticity. Really listen: Use eye contact, and reflect on or add to the things others say. Be real: Don’t hold back or sell yourself short in your responses.
As for what to say, here is a simple topic acronym: STRIKE.
STRIKE stands for: Senses, Time, Relationships, Identity, Knowledge, and Entertainment. Following is the breakdown of the acronym, STRIKE. Remember this word, and you will have six easy topics to cycle through when talking to people.
HOW: Talk to People about What You SENSE
Now you are ready to engage. You have spent time absorbing your environment. You have allowed your senses to really see, hear, smell, and feel your surroundings. Now use the senses as fuel for conversation.
How? Talk to people about what you see in the room. For example, if you notice great decorations, say something like, “This place is amazing! I wonder how long it took to decorate. What do you think of the theme?”
This is a non-threatening opening. Your partner will sense that you are more focused on the room than on them. You are simply offering to experience the environment together.
If you are speaking to a stranger, keep your observations simple. However, if you’re talking to a friend, allow this topic to go deeper. Do you sense the party planner was trying to make a statement with the theme? Then throw out your opinions. Do you feel an interesting social-vibe in the room? Then talk about that feeling. Be free with your senses.
HOW: Talk to People about TIME
You have already talked about the present environment. Now move away from the present. Talk about the past and the future. Think about today, or yesterday, or the past week. Share a little of your experiences, and then ask about your partner’s day or past week. Use details, and keep your senses active.
How? Talk to people with an opener like this: “My day was crazy. I ran out of gas on the way to work, and then I had to work through lunch to meet a deadline. How was your day?”
After talking about the past, talk about the future. Ask about the weekend, or about the next week. Ask about upcoming holidays. Remember to expand on what is said. Don’t just ask question after question. Rather, use your partner’s responses as fuel for further discussion.
If your partner says he is going on a cruise, don’t move on to another question. Stay on this topic. Ask about the location, his favorite aspects of the cruise, his past experiences. Now, can you relate? If so, share a story of your own cruise experience. If you cannot relate, say so, and ask about aspects you don’t know. (How much does a cruise cost? How many people will be on the ship? Is it common to get sea sick?)
How: Talk to People About RELATIONSHIPS
For most, relationships define the person. Family, friends, and coworkers make up who you are. Explore this aspect as you get to know your social partner. Start general, to get a feel for the topic. Watch for cues, either positive or negative. A single person with a negative family experience might not want to talk about this topic, and may get hostile if you keep prodding. But a friendly social butterfly might be more than willing to share about her mother, and her brother, and her sister’s neighbor’s nephew’s girlfriend.
How: Talk to People About IDENTITY
You have explored relationships. Now go further. Who is this person you are talking to? What is their story? Identities are defined by careers, hobbies, interests, and recreation. Perhaps you are talking to your boss. Ask about her career journey. How did she get to this role? Where did she begin? What does she like about this career? If appropriate, ask where she sees herself going next.
Make sure to offer a part of yourself as well, if you feel comfortable doing so. How? Talk to people with a vulnerable and honest attitude, willing to laugh at yourself. But also make an effort to relate. If your partner says he reads historical fiction and you secretly think that those books would put you to sleep, do not communicate that thought. Find a way to relate. Ask why he likes that writing style; ask what he connects to in the characters. Then you might be able to connect his interest to your reading interests.
How: Talk to People about KNOWLEDGE
Whether it is a selfish reason or not, you can always steal some insight from those you encounter. People are at different points along life’s journey, and can each bank on others’ experiences. How? Talk to people as though they have valuable insight (even if it turns out to be unhelpful), you will bolster his or her ego and ultimately strengthen the relationship. So, first remember how you have connected so far. Perhaps you have discovered you both have the same tastes in music. Ask about the best place to shop for CD’s, the best place to get music lessons, the best websites to learn about your favorite artists. Notice the theme here: When you use phrases like “the best,” you are allowing your social partner to give his or her opinions, which is a great ego-booster for them, and greatly strengthens your connection.
How: Talk to People for ENTERTAINMENT
As stated earlier, people are social creatures, in need of relationships and connection. If you can get past the awkwardness and mechanics of communication, you will find that relationships, when developed, are fun. When you connect with another person, you each stimulate each other emotionally, psychologically, and physically. It might take awhile to get to this point, with many cycles through the first few STRIKE topics. But once you can get comfortable relating, this is when enjoyment begins.
Sarcasm and teasing are the most common first-steps toward entertaining one another. But be very cautious in this regard. Words carry much weight. A simple, light-hearted jab at a person’s character could become a serious relationship injury.
Instead, explore what makes you laugh. This is something you can prepare before your social event. Think about the things that get you laughing: TV shows, movies, comics, slap-stick humor, jokes, stories about your kids or your own trials.
Being funny does not mean you have to be a good joke teller. Often it is the way you respond to a situation that causes laughter. How? Talk to people, for example, with a dry or over-confident response. “So, yesterday, I was pulled over by a cop in a 25 zone,” you say. “Really? How fast were you going?” your partner says. You respond with a straight face: “55.” Obviously this raises an eyebrow. Then you continue, “No! I was probably going a little over 30. But you would have thought I was breaking the sound barrier with the way this cop acted.” And then you proceed with your story. It was not a great joke. It was not a well-timed punch-line. But it did catch your partner off-guard, and it may have caused a smile. If anything, a surprising response allowed the conversation to become lighthearted and fun. And that is what social entertainment is all about.
Now You Know How: Talk with People Humbly, Authentically, and Topically
Once you move away from the habit of self-criticism, you can then practice the simple topic acronym, STRIKE: Senses, Time, Relationships, Identity, Knowledge, and Entertainment. Gradually move through these topic categories, using open-ended questions, and seek to relate with honesty and authenticity.
In the end, you and your fellow party-goers would rather avoid the awkwardness of striking up a conversation with perfect strangers. But the experience is healthy. Humans are relational beings, and when you practice the art of social connection, you ultimately edify yourself. And now you know how. Talk with people in a planned way, with an attitude of genuine connection.
So, dang it, the social hall smells like rotting seaweed. But you take a big whiff of it, embrace where you are, and choose to be in the moment. You think, “How? Talk with people?!” But your nerves are calmed when you glide through your STRIKE topics. Now you’re laughing with your conversation circle, all tension and anxiety eased away. You all raise your glasses to conversation-starters, good wine, shared experiences, and a greater sense of shared purpose.