She’s sexy, elegant, and socially magnetic. People hang on her outgoing words. You wonder if you could have that too. Want to know how? Be more outgoing by killing that daydream, scrapping your role model, and starting again from square one.
How to Be More Outgoing and Social? First of All, Why do You Want it So Bad?
Not that the desire is wrong, but what’s motivating your desire to be more outgoing? If you can pinpoint the inner desire, you can more effectively work at tailoring your social skills according to your real motives. So what’s the verdict? Do you want to be more outgoing because you crave popularity? Do you want to be more outgoing because it will land you a better job? Do you want to be more outgoing because you hate being labeled as “shy”? Or, do you want to be more outgoing because you think a charismatic personality might land you that dream guy or girl?
Whatever your answer, hold onto that core-desire for a moment. We’ll get back to it.
Know How: Be More Outgoing by Reviewing Your Past
Most of us have distinct memories of social “failures.” And these recollections are seared into our brains, always reminding us of our perceived incompetence. When I was in junior high for example, I had a crush on a guy. My friend did too – the same guy.
At sleepovers, she’d talk about how cute he was or how she wanted to date him (which I laugh at now, because we had no concept of real “dating” at that age). Long story short, she got the guy.
And what I came away with from that pre-teen experience was a comparison: She was more outgoing; I was not. She was more fun and bubbly; I was clumsy and awkward. She always had a joke to tell; I was the only one laughing at my jokes.
Truth be told, those were harsh judgments on my young, developing character. But that’s what we do: We thrash our characters when things don’t go our way, because somehow that pain of “soul cutting” makes our real pain seem more bearable. Unfortunately, those self-inflicted wounds never fully heal.
Sit down and write out a few of those memories. List the core-beliefs you created about yourself from those experiences. Maybe you walked away from those moments telling yourself one of these self-statements: “I’m shy.” “I’m a lame friend.” “I’m boring.” “I’m worthless.”
Stand up to Your Past Issues. Those are serious charges, and I’d bet those allegations have never stood before a jury. So, let’s do it. You be the jury. Knowing who you are now, write out a case for-and-against your core-beliefs. Even if the case seems weak, force yourself to think up a defense for each side.
If your core belief is, “I’m boring,” list the recent conversations you’ve had with a non-threatening person, such a parent or a sibling. Or simply list your favorite shows or books. Even if you’ve never talked about these things, you still have opinions about them. Those opinions help prove that an “I’m boring” charge wouldn’t hold up in court, and shouldn’t affect how outgoing you are.
This simple exercise highlights the emotional baggage we carry with us into social settings. Often our flawed self-perceptions are the culprit behind quietness or nervousness. Instead of focusing our frustration on the symptoms, we need to dig up the culprits – those flawed core-beliefs – and bring them to the light. Once a new verdict has been reached about our self-image, we can use that altered-belief when things get dicey, especially in our desire to be outgoing.
Say you’re at a social gathering and your group gets quiet; you frantically think of something to say, and your mind goes blank. That same small voice creeps back into your head: “I wish I were outgoing, but I’m so shy!” Now, combat that thought with your new verdict: “No. I’m not shy. I may be quiet at times, but I am able to hold a conversation, and I do have valuable things to say.” This mental conversation might just be the edge you need to break out of your awkwardness.
Learn How: Be More Outgoing by Analyzing an Outgoing Sales Person
The phone rings. It’s 7:05pm. “Helloooo! Is this Sean Bowman? . . . How are you this evening, Sir?” You cringe at the speaker’s excessive, outgoing energy. Who the heck is this fool? Not sure if it’s a real acquaintance or simply an outgoing sales call, you respond cordially; but you have your guard up, just waiting for the sales pitch. We all hate those calls, more or less.
As a side note, I personally held a sales job with a San Francisco company for a short time. My job was to go door-to-door to local businesses as a sales representative for an office supply company. I worked on commission. Commission only, mind you. So I was desperate to make those sales, and the goal was to hit at least three a day.
I could go on and on, but the point is this: The moment I walked through the door – no matter how energetic and outgoing I tried to be – the employees always saw right through me. They saw the desperate money-hunger in my eyes. In fact, the harder I tried, the more my sales plummeted. Yet, on the days when I felt hopeless and stopped trying so hard, I received more sales. People were, not only cordial, but friendly; open to connection, and importantly – more willing to make the sale.
Let’s be honest: We’re not idiots when it comes to intention. Most of the time, we can see through people and read what’s really on their mind. When people try too hard, we can smell hidden motives. Too much outgoing energy is a red-flag, because in real life, people are tired, bored with their job, and rarely ever “chipper.” In terms of energy, less is definitely more in terms of believability.
So in this regard, what are your intensions? How did you answer the question at the beginning of this article: “Why do you want to be more outgoing?” Do you want to be more outgoing because you’re craving popularity? Careful. If we’re honest, that’s a pretty selfish ambition, and one that’s easily spotted. True, we all crave more popularity. But on the flip-side, no one wants to feel used or manipulated. And people can tell when you view them as a real friend or merely a social pawn to gain more social-rank.
Here’s How: Be More Outgoing by Restraining Your Tongue and Adding Value Confidently
Let’s be clear: Being outgoing does not mean being a talker. In fact, people who talk more than others are often viewed as annoying. Lots of talking can be a give-away that a person is over-compensating for something. And ultimately, too much talking raises the probability that you’ll be an idiot and say something foolish. (No offence intended!) We’ve all made that blunder, when our tongue was moving faster than our mind could filter. I’ll be the first to confess.
The most effective way to be more “outgoing” is to simply do what the word conveys: To “outgo” is to “go outside” of yourself. Merriam and Webster define the term “outgoing” as “openly friendly and responsive.” The key, then, is to focus on your outwardness. Here are some simple tips: Be more open and authentic. Really listen and respond to others. And pursue friendships – real friendships – with those you connect with, rather than using a social setting for selfish motives.
In regards to your speaking style, remember to wait for the right moment to share your value. The more you talk, the less your words will be worth. Rather, when the moment is right, contribute real, meaningful content to a conversation with the sole purpose of authentic connection. When you chose the time to speak, speak up! Confidently believe that your words are valuable. Put a meaningful amount of energy in your voice in order to be heard clearly, and convey your feelings through the words you speak.
The Bottom Line is Authenticity. The harder you try to be outgoing, the more likely you’ll fall flat. Rather, turn your energy toward reaching out, learning about others, and connecting to their interests. As you “go out” of yourself, others will indeed perceive you as more “outgoing.”