(All States were created equal. All statesmen were not.)
Lately, it seems that some of America’s fifty States are competing to deliver the most bizarre news imaginable. And, admittedly, it’s a tight race to the bottom.
If you’re a news junkie, that’s great. But if you’re a student of humanity, or a mid-level pan-Galactic deity charged with Milky Way Moron Management, it can get a bit depressing.
Americans just keep trying to out-stupid each other. And that was before Joe Biden started running around the country, lobbing non-sequiturs and spouting gaffes like some kind of political poster child for Tourette’s.
But the news “gatekeepers” always focus on the same States; California, Arizona, New York, Mexico, the Kennedy compound, the Land of Loco Starlets. We rarely get a glimpse at the goings-on in the engine of America – that vast mass rudely referred to as “the flyover States.”
Surely, we wondered, the flyover States are just as goofy.
So, for your edification, we’ve corralled our entire global research staff, and asked her to check out what’s making news across all our fifty states. Witness:
Alabama
The “Yellowhammer” State continues to push for the toughest immigration laws in the country, including the mandate that any school child can be stopped and forced to compose a limerick using the word “yellowhammer.”
By the way, we should note that Alabama has a State Nut.
Alaska
An undecided moose allegedly survived being stabbed in the thigh by Sarah Palin. Later, at a quail hunt, the hapless moose was shot in its alpha antler by Dick Cheney. Ultimately, the moose succumbed to all this political pressure, joined the Tea Party, and was elected Governor. Liberal news organizations immediately put tactical teams in the area, located the moose’s nightly resting tree, and rented the tree next door.
Arizona
Headline: Man Shot By Albuquerque Cops High On Meth
All right. Who’s giving guns to doped-up cops?
Arkansas
Anthropologists claim to have discovered an anomaly – a human female that Bill Clinton never hit on. Lack-of-paternity test results are pending. (These are scientists from the University’s satellite campus in Cecil, down along the State Road 16 Spur, over there nearby to the Sonic.)
This just in: never mind.
California
In the Golden State, they have earthquakes, tar pits and TV executives. Feral coyotes and financing by the kilo. City employees getting taxpayer-funded sex changes, with seven official genders to choose from. Businesses fleeing like Hamelin rats. Air the consistency of loaf bread. And a governor whose job resume highlight was being a liquid-metal android from the future that managed to make sequels after it died. Twice.
So what draws the Fed’s focus?
Medicinal marijuana.
Colorado
Speaking at a fundraiser in Beulah, Joe Biden warned a group of disaffected Buddhist donors that if those vile Republicans block the President’s agenda, more women will be raped. The White House was quick to point out that this would save or create millions of jobs for sexual deviants, or Congressmen.
Connecticut
Our research staff tried to rouse someone in the Constitution State, but they’re all busy trying to fend off a hostile takeover by New York City. The Big Apple’s looking to annex Connecticut, erect parking garages, and have it renamed “Brooklyn North.”
Delaware
Delaware continues to make news as the only state that’s actually building a border fence. However, in Delaware’s case, they’re building it in hopes of keeping Joe Biden from getting back in.
Florida
A lawmaker in the Sunshine State wants to do away with Florida’s ban on dwarf tossing. That’s just so…well, so Florida. Firstly, there’s an activity in Florida called dwarf tossing. Secondly, it’s wildly popular. Next, naturally, Florida’s legislature outlaws it. And finally, a grass-roots movement to repeal the anti-dwarf-tossing legislation.
So Florida. I mean, let’s face it – there never was any need, really, to discuss where to put Disney World. It was kismet.
Georgia
Headline: SLED Director Lays Out Agency’s Mission
Sheesh. That director’s got some temper. Wonder what the mission said?
Hawaii
Aloha! (literal translation: “Please leave before you get here, if not sooner”) Hawaii is perhaps best known as being one of the three birthplaces of President Barack Obama.
Idaho
In the Gem State, a body was found in the Kuna reservoir, another in an Ada County canal, and a car dinged a teenager on Lake (LAKE?) Lowell Avenue – on the same day. In an unsolicited speech to himself, Joe Biden insisted that patriotic taxpayers should bail out stuff that’s wet, and assigned blame to all those damp Republicans.
Illinois
Officials in Des Plaines had to call in extra help to deal with a sharp spike in the skunk population. The skunk count blip is variously blamed on either a rise in the beetle grub population, a drop in rabies, or the recent installation of Rahm Emanuel as Mayor of Chicago.
Indiana
Headline: Missing Student’s Mom Hurt By Letter
Note to Missing Student’s Mom: When you see a letter coming, duck.
Iowa
In an attempt to bolster out-of-state attendance to their famous State Fairs, Iowa unveiled eleven more unlikely things that could be deep-fried.
Kansas
In a first-of-its-kind legal action, Kansas (the State) is suing Kansas (the band). Kansas (State) is demanding that the 1970s rockers officially change their name to some other State. Nebraska was highly recommended, but so was Detroit, which says a lot about the state of public education in Kansas.
Kentucky
A Lexington drifter was sentenced to twenty-five and one-half years in prison: twenty-five years for committing violent crimes, another six months for contempt (“lifting his middle finger”). The transient’s other nine fingers immediately filed a digit discrimination counter-suit, and are being represented by celebrity attorney Gloria Allred.
Louisiana
According to a Pelican State news website named “The Dead Pelican” (really, that’s what it’s named), a Shreveport robbery went awry when one of the intruders mistakenly shot the other one. Then the police arrived, everybody arrested each other, and the entire group was given a nice set of abandoned FEMA house trailers.
Maine
Residents were saddened when yet another research grant failed to ascertain why Maine is still known as “down East.”
Maryland
This morning, while speaking at a “Re-elect Us Anyway” fundraiser, Joe Biden warned that if those vile Republicans block the President’s agenda, all college football teams would morph into rabid dogs and eat everybody in the stadium.
The White House was quick to claim a bipartisan victory, pointing out that the rabid dogs would eat everybody equally. (Plus, the White House noted, Joe got through three consecutive sentences without swearing.)
Massachusetts
Our research staff tried to rouse someone in the Bay State, but the entire state government had been mobilized to deal with a Mitt Romney hair emergency.
Michigan
In Detroit, the ACLU legally challenged an FBI sting operation. That, of course, hardly qualifies as news. What is news is that, this time, the FBI finally told the ACLU to shut up and sit down.
Minnesota
Headline: Minneapolis Metro Transit Rides Hit 60 Million
60 million hit by metro transit? We’re guessing that the ACLU and celebrity attorney Gloria Allred are racing toward the North Star State as we speak.
Mississippi
After uncovering one Pulitzer-worthy headline from a Magnolia State news website, our research staff had a decision to make. The headline? “Fun With Worms.”
Nah.
Moving on to Missouri…
Missouri
In a story about zoning issues, we found this bizarre observation: “Officials blamed [the problem] on lack of red tape.” We’re not sure that those words have ever been uttered, in that order, in the history of Earth.
Montana
An environmentalist coalition in the Treasure State is pleased to announce they are making progress in their legal efforts to ban roads. No word on their pending legislation to outlaw light.
Nebraska
Citizens in the Cornhusker State are embroiled in a debate about someone who dug a three-foot hole in something called the Ogallala Aquifer. And it’s just such levels of rural ennui that explain Al Gore’s rush to pipe in internet access to backwaters like Ogallala as soon as humanly possible.
Nevada
A member of the Hells Angels who was supposedly killed at the funeral of a member of the Hells Angels who was killed during the killing of a former member of the Hells Angels has been discovered alive by the police who were not killed by the members of the Hells Angels who were not killed during the killing of an ousted member of the Hells Angels. Meanwhile, no word on the missing possessive apostrophe from “Hells Angels.”
New Hampshire
Three New Hampshire citizens were playing poker in a Delaware hotel when three more fun-lovers barged in and started pistol-slapping the room’s original occupants. The assailants ran away when the bedside phone received an “Are you injured?” robo-call from celebrity attorney Gloria Allred. Hard-line NH secessionists pointed out that this kind of vile activity would never have happened in Old Hampshire.
New Jersey
A Garden State resident (Hackettstown turnpike exit) who was served divorce papers in 1992 (filed at a Hackensack turnpike exit) has been convicted of watching helplessly, with malice aforethought, while his wife tied herself up, gagged herself, and jumped backwards off a cliff (Palisades turnpike exit). But hey, that’s New Jersey, yo.
New Mexico
While speaking to a roomful of semi-conscious turquoise jewelry artisans, Joe Biden claimed that he had inherited Muammar Qaddafi from George W. Bush. Undergrads at a local dentistry college offered to volunteer their services to have Biden’s teeth filed down before he hurts himself.
New York
A single woman and her single grandmother have created a blog, to share their experiences in the cyber-world of online dating. According to Granny, what’s the most important characteristic of a Senior Citizen single guy?
1) He’s honest 2) He has a sense of humor 3) He lives nearby
North Carolina
During a Homeland Security speech in Raleigh, Janet Napolitano was asked a question by someone in the audience who admitted – admitted – he was in the country illegally. Napolitano lunged so violently for a “Border Arrests Are Up” chart that she pulled a muscle in an Arizona rancher’s back. Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred immediately arranged for the illegal to get in-state tuition and free health care.
North Dakota
The president of Dickinson State University says he’s innocent of tampering with enrollment records. He further claims that stress related to the unfounded accusations resulted in him losing twenty-five pounds, which in turn caused him to eat all the subpoenaed documents.
Ohio
A deranged Buckeye apparently heard some voice inside his skull that told him the rains were receding, so he should go ahead and let all the animals out of the ark. Here’s the scary part: no candidate has ever become President without winning over Ohio voters. And if this guy was an example of an Ohio voter…
Oklahoma
According to a news report, the police chief in Mangum was accused of getting in a fight at a rodeo in Altus after his stepdaughter didn’t get voted Rodeo Princess. Punctuating the story is this shocker: the chief was intoxicated at the time.
We should note that, in Oklahoma, these are the good guys.
Oregon
At a building dedication in Portland, former Senator Margaret Carter stole the show, but after lunch, she brought it back. Charges may still be filed, however, according to celebrity attorney Gloria Allred, who refused to comment on her comment, since she’s representing both sides, and the lunch.
Pennsylvania
Our staff uncovered one headline from a Keystone State news website that read: “Hershey Trojans break under pressure.”
And our staff realizes that there are times when we need to just move away from the joke.
Rhode Island
Due to new FCC regulations, the Ocean State has been classified a virtual State (a Statelet), resulting in them having to relinquish their static IP address and set up some kind of interstate internet router sharing with the larger, full-sized States next door.
South Carolina
Headline: City Adds Streets To Road Repaving List
Clever lads. Wonder what they were paving before they thought of streets? Next thing you know, they may start putting police in the Police Department and adding water to the water.
South Dakota
Our research staff tried to rouse someone in the Mount Rushmore State, but we kept getting a recording that both circuits were busy.
Tennessee
During our research for this article, Libya’s Qaddafi was finally captured by a French drone funded by American taxpayer money borrowed from Chinese banks to support President Obama’s not-war.
Speaking at Dollywood to a group of plus-sized Lacrosse Moms who collect commemorative railroad plates, Joe Biden cited this as a White House victory that will clearly reduce violence against non-conservative women.
Texas
Our research staff tried to rouse someone in the Lone Star State, but we were unable to hear anything over the erratic gunfire, wailing harmonicas, and official Rick Perry retractions.
Utah
We can’t share the top news from Utah, because our news contact in the Beehive State has five wives and they’re still arguing over what the top news is.
Vermont
Vermont is struggling with the recent discovery that it’s really nothing more than a chunk of upstate New York, shaped like a flipped-over New Hampshire. Apparently, in the late 1700s, “Vermont” was sold to a western New Hampshire land baron by a traveling jigsaw puzzle salesman.
Virginia
I don’t know why, but an Old Dominion State news website posted an entire article on how to pronounce stuff. The “stuff” included a long ‘a,’ the letter ‘k,’ a judge named ‘Leonie Brinkema’ and a potential ACLU client named ‘Abdelhaleem Hasan Abdelraziq Ashqar.’
Washington
In the Evergreen State, proposed legislation intends to limit humans to 3 emergency room visits per year, but there are reams of legalese in place to protect trees. Basically, in Washington, lumber is treated more humanely than lumberjacks.
West Virginia
West Virginia has a request. For a little while, for kicks, they would like to be called “East Kentucky.” Just for kicks. Just for a little while.
Wisconsin
Nothing much is happening in Wisconsin, because the entire population have unionized and are holed up in a Rockford, Illinois motel.
Wyoming
There’s a state named Wyoming?